It's Fashion Friday!: Fifteen Farcical Fashion Finds That Will Make You Say "For Real?!"

The inspiration. This 3.1 Phillip Lim denim
JUMPSUIT with PATCHES costs $1295.
Would you believe it's sold out at Saks?

           As many of the world’s fashion savvy have been falling all over themselves at NY Fashion Week this past week to see what spring fashion will hold (it’s worse than Christmas decorations at Halloween), I have been on an entirely different mission. I was inspired both by an email I received about 3.1 Phillip Lim’s fall line and the lovely fall weather we were having up until Wednesday to research some really unbelievable statements of this season’s trends. I searched high and low to bring you this visual compilation of the most eye-catching looks, as in “Shit, I didn’t see that nail sticking out of the wall there and now I’ve left an eyeball behind.”

           I was surprised by my findings. I expected to collect some pieces from the usual hit or miss designers: Etro, Erdem, Missoni. While all three of these big names make some really beautiful garments, you can’t deny that they make just as many hideous garments. Missoni zigs and zags colors that look like vomited Golden Corral and the two E’s put so much busy in their prints that being on acid would make you feel calm. SURPRISE! None of these three were even in the ballpark. And speaking of calm, another name I expected to be tagging right and left was Mary Katrantzou. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand her work. Even her garments – the prints - I found to be like calming seas to my eyes after the pieces I have found for you. Sure, I found stuff that was out there weird. I found clothes that were really ugly and might make you gag. To make the cut for this edition, however, they had to be the noxious elite. I want you to know some of these items have sold out. So, they’re not only ugly, they’re popular. And, almost all of them cost more than a months rent. And without further ado, let the fugly fall fashion fair commence!

I think this is what happens when a parrot flies
into a fan. Tim Ryan £1,585 at Browns London.

Okay, I lied a little. I'm throwing
 in a Missoni scrunchie, so you
can hold back your hair
while you vomit. It's $95.

And, when the head falls of the parrot, Fendi
turns it into a keychain. £425 at Browns London.

It astounds me how something so simple can
be so horrendous. Carven $805 at Avenue32.
This one sold out at Net-a-porter. ?!

YEAH! This is what I want for Christmas!
NO! Why would you dye angora that color?
It kind of just looks like she rolled around on
the couch after a chartreuse cat slept on it. 
Antonio Marras $2505.59 at Farfetch.com.

I think she got cold at the Chinese food
restaurant and just took this off the wall.
Duro Olowu $6285 at Net-a-porter.

Oy Marie! Well, there she is. I'm sorry, but someone
 needs to re-educate Givenchy on the definition of "sweatshirt."
This is not it. And it's available at so many places...
$1440 at Net-a-porter.

I really just don't understand this one.
Except, is she checking for armpit
odor? Moschino Cheap and Chic
$560 at Net-a-porter.

While we're printing people's
faces on garments, how about Elvis' face
in your lap? Ashley Williams 785€ at colette.fr.

There's not much to say about this
shearling coat, is there? Except that maybe
Net-a-porter needs to think about firing their buyers?
Roberto Cavalli $10,090. Yes, you read that right. 

Just the perfect dress for under that
shearling. We've gone down
the rabbit hole and taken
Farmer McGregor's rose garden.
Rodarte $14,919.71 at colette.fr.

No fashion show would be complete
without a tribute to the Golden Girls.
There's no tie-dye, but it still
feels like it's swirling a bit. Or maybe
that's my stomach. Prabal Gurung
$2195 at Net-a-porter.

Animal print! If you stare at it long enough, the
black and white part looks like a head on
a body. $900 at (you guessed it) Net-a-porter.

Here's a whole look for you. I think
I'll call it "rotting art deco building."
Anna Sui cape $605 at farfetch.com.
Anna Sui pants $450 at Net-a-porter.

My favorite, to close. Christopher Kane
feather - applique cashmere sweater.
$4295 at Net-a-porter. For an additional $4770,
you may also purchase the skirt. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Would you please pass the jelly?

            My very first pair of jelly shoes were Stuart Weitzman. Clear plastic maryjanes sculpted like bird’s nests with rhinestones gently kissing the toebox like dewdrops. When I first saw them the child in me could be heard whispering, “princess shoes!” and I knew they would be coming home with me. I never got to wear jelly shoes as a child. My mother said they were not good for growing feet. She saved me from all kinds of regretful fashion trends ranging from the spandex biker shorts of the 80’s to the ruffled pirate blouses of the early 90’s. I am thankful for those, but, unfortunately, the deprivation of jelly shoes has resulted in an unnatural obsession with plastic shoes and handbags.

            The practicality of plastic accessories knows few boundaries. Not only does one not have to worry about the material getting wet, plastics are easy to clean should they be thrown up on by a baby, cat, or drunk sorority girl.  And carrying such accessories out into the public eye can leave you with the comfort of knowing that no member of PETA is going to hunt you down in your sleep.

            I recently discovered these Missoni jelly flats on the Bloomingdales website. I find them to be delightfully summery and object to nothing but their steep price of $250 (Really? They’re plastic shoes.). Luckily there are slightly more reasonable options out there. One of my favorites is the BowWow (see below). A collaboration between Moschino and Kartell (an Italian furniture company specializing in aesthetically satiating plastic furniture), these sweet little ballet flats have been around for a couple of years and are available in 15 colors. They're non-toxic and recyclable. And new for this season, they’ve come out with a wedge.

            Plastic handbags have the added feature of allowing one a glimpse inside the bag, which can be good or bad depending on your level of tidiness. Some people would maintain that plastic bags are only for the beach, but I strongly disagree. Last year Furla debuted their Candy Bag. I was not sure how I felt about the texture when I finally had my hands on one in their Munich store. I ended up passing and instead became the owner of a Jil Sander Orange Acetate Market tote. This summer season saw the return of Furla’s doctor bag shaped candy satchel and they’ve incorporated another of my favorite things: glitter. I don’t know how it would be possible to frown walking around with a sparkling pink carryall. Additionally, I am certain this bag would be a great conversation starter with my favorite three-year old diva, Cora, an expert in all things pink. 

            Unless you wish to look like a three year old or a melted crayon box while sporting these smile-inducing PVC accessories, I suggest you keep the styling on the conservative side. They would be best highlighted with neutrals, but it’s not entirely necessary to rule out contrasting colors. Take advantage of the bright color trend we are experiencing! Just don’t overdo the colorblocking or wear too many colors at once, unless you are interested in trying out that vomit easy cleanup theory I mentioned earlier. Leave the rainbows to Skittles and Lucky Charms, please. So, put your serious accessories away, and welcome in the warmer weather with polyvinyl chloride pleasure.