It's Fashion Friday!: Fifteen Farcical Fashion Finds That Will Make You Say "For Real?!"

The inspiration. This 3.1 Phillip Lim denim
JUMPSUIT with PATCHES costs $1295.
Would you believe it's sold out at Saks?

           As many of the world’s fashion savvy have been falling all over themselves at NY Fashion Week this past week to see what spring fashion will hold (it’s worse than Christmas decorations at Halloween), I have been on an entirely different mission. I was inspired both by an email I received about 3.1 Phillip Lim’s fall line and the lovely fall weather we were having up until Wednesday to research some really unbelievable statements of this season’s trends. I searched high and low to bring you this visual compilation of the most eye-catching looks, as in “Shit, I didn’t see that nail sticking out of the wall there and now I’ve left an eyeball behind.”

           I was surprised by my findings. I expected to collect some pieces from the usual hit or miss designers: Etro, Erdem, Missoni. While all three of these big names make some really beautiful garments, you can’t deny that they make just as many hideous garments. Missoni zigs and zags colors that look like vomited Golden Corral and the two E’s put so much busy in their prints that being on acid would make you feel calm. SURPRISE! None of these three were even in the ballpark. And speaking of calm, another name I expected to be tagging right and left was Mary Katrantzou. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand her work. Even her garments – the prints - I found to be like calming seas to my eyes after the pieces I have found for you. Sure, I found stuff that was out there weird. I found clothes that were really ugly and might make you gag. To make the cut for this edition, however, they had to be the noxious elite. I want you to know some of these items have sold out. So, they’re not only ugly, they’re popular. And, almost all of them cost more than a months rent. And without further ado, let the fugly fall fashion fair commence!

I think this is what happens when a parrot flies
into a fan. Tim Ryan £1,585 at Browns London.

Okay, I lied a little. I'm throwing
 in a Missoni scrunchie, so you
can hold back your hair
while you vomit. It's $95.

And, when the head falls of the parrot, Fendi
turns it into a keychain. £425 at Browns London.

It astounds me how something so simple can
be so horrendous. Carven $805 at Avenue32.
This one sold out at Net-a-porter. ?!

YEAH! This is what I want for Christmas!
NO! Why would you dye angora that color?
It kind of just looks like she rolled around on
the couch after a chartreuse cat slept on it. 
Antonio Marras $2505.59 at Farfetch.com.

I think she got cold at the Chinese food
restaurant and just took this off the wall.
Duro Olowu $6285 at Net-a-porter.

Oy Marie! Well, there she is. I'm sorry, but someone
 needs to re-educate Givenchy on the definition of "sweatshirt."
This is not it. And it's available at so many places...
$1440 at Net-a-porter.

I really just don't understand this one.
Except, is she checking for armpit
odor? Moschino Cheap and Chic
$560 at Net-a-porter.

While we're printing people's
faces on garments, how about Elvis' face
in your lap? Ashley Williams 785€ at colette.fr.

There's not much to say about this
shearling coat, is there? Except that maybe
Net-a-porter needs to think about firing their buyers?
Roberto Cavalli $10,090. Yes, you read that right. 

Just the perfect dress for under that
shearling. We've gone down
the rabbit hole and taken
Farmer McGregor's rose garden.
Rodarte $14,919.71 at colette.fr.

No fashion show would be complete
without a tribute to the Golden Girls.
There's no tie-dye, but it still
feels like it's swirling a bit. Or maybe
that's my stomach. Prabal Gurung
$2195 at Net-a-porter.

Animal print! If you stare at it long enough, the
black and white part looks like a head on
a body. $900 at (you guessed it) Net-a-porter.

Here's a whole look for you. I think
I'll call it "rotting art deco building."
Anna Sui cape $605 at farfetch.com.
Anna Sui pants $450 at Net-a-porter.

My favorite, to close. Christopher Kane
feather - applique cashmere sweater.
$4295 at Net-a-porter. For an additional $4770,
you may also purchase the skirt. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Shall I Or Shan’t I Dress Like An Ice Cream Cone

            We are what we eat. I eat a lot of ice cream. I really like ice cream. Why not look like ice cream? Pastels are back for spring and I can’t say if I’m excited about it. I guess they’re pretty. Yet more often than not, I find they remind me of children, The Golden Girls, and geriatric golfing attire. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget the Easter Bunny, dear, dear bringer of spring chocolates. The aforementioned characters are not any I’ve ever taken seriously so how I would take anyone dressed in head to toe pastels in a serious manner is hard to imagine. It sounds like one of those outfits I would pull together at 4:45 am in the dark, running out the house to get in the car, so my mom could drive us down to NYC to visit my brother, and somewhere along the way, after I’d had a cup of coffee, I would stop to use a restroom and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, do a double take, shudder, and wonder what I’d done to make my mom angry enough to passive-agressively let me out of the house looking like a sociopathic homeless person from Miami.

            The more I ruminate on it, the more it becomes clear in my mind that it is impossible to wear head to toe pastels and not look like a blooming imbecile. Probably a lovely fragranced, spring-like one, but brainless, none-the-less. There are some quite pretty pastel colored pieces you might want to acquire to cheer up your closet. I assure you that none of them are for sale at Sears. If you don't believe me, take a visit to the Sears in Burlington, MA and check out the mannequin display straight ahead on the right about fifty feet from the snow blower section. 

Pierre Hardy $895

            Net-A-Porter was trying to tempt me to some of their pastel product by associating them with ice cream sundaes (Sundae Girl). Dear, Net-A-Porter, I don’t eat clothes. Regardless, these Pierre Hardy suede pumps are scrumptious. If only I had $895 just laying around that I didn’t know what to do with. Oh wait, let me just pull that out of my inside jacket pocket along with my Amex black card and the deed to the 200 acres of land I own in South Africa. These shoes would look amazing with a black dress – something with a flouncy skirt and a very fitted, perhaps backless top. Can you picture it? I can.

Carven $590

            This dress by Carven, sherbert colored with some grapesicle… OOOooooh NO. That, I just needed to throw in there because it’s about as ugly as the stuff from Sears.  And it’s 10 times the price. To be honest, an awful lot of this pastel stuff is pretty hideous. It looks like Father Time woke up and vomited the 1950’s. And not the good parts. The undigested unnatural parts. 

Acne $300

           This Acne dress is quite pretty. It’s simple. Color and tiering. I don’t want to see any big girls in it though, this is a dress for a waif. I.e. if you are shaped like me, this is not for you. This is a dress for my friend Alicia. Miss I can eat half a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts in a sitting and never hit the 100 pound mark. Girlfriend, I hope you’re reading this.

Skaist-Taylor $295

            I love this silk top by Skaist-Taylor. The blush pink can be hard to pull off with fair skin. If you break it up with dark jewelry or a dark colored scarf between the shirt and your face you can increase the possibility of being able to wear it without looking shirtless. I love that this blouse has ZIPPERS up the sleeves. It’s girly, but still with a little bit of rocker/euro-punk flair. I wouldn’t pair it with the skirt they’ve paired it vwith, however, unless you are fairly tan (and also quite wealthy, as that skirt costs $1200).

Shourouk $530

            Pastel jewelry, now that’s fun. And it won’t overtake your entire outfit. I quite enjoy these earrings, while the price is absolutely ridiculous. $530? You must be kidding. I am only showing you these Swarovski earrings by Shourouk because I know that you can take the inspiration from this image and go and find something vintage (used/old/cheap) at a Salvation Army or a yard sale. I’m sure there’s plenty of pastel bakelite (that may be expensive if you buy it from someone who knows what they have) and melamine jewelry hanging out in the cobwebbed corners of antique stores and people’s attics.

            The moral of this story is that if you want to wear pastels, you pick A (as in a single) pastel color and use it as a pop to go with some neutrals, such as black, or brown, or grey. Pastel colors should be treated like prints. While they aren’t as bright as fluorescents or as in your face as a paisley or an argyle, they’re just not good for mixing, except in an ice cream bowl. And when all is said and done, ice cream melts. And very few people actually like melty ice cream.