It's Fashion Friday!: Fifteen Farcical Fashion Finds That Will Make You Say "For Real?!"

The inspiration. This 3.1 Phillip Lim denim
JUMPSUIT with PATCHES costs $1295.
Would you believe it's sold out at Saks?

           As many of the world’s fashion savvy have been falling all over themselves at NY Fashion Week this past week to see what spring fashion will hold (it’s worse than Christmas decorations at Halloween), I have been on an entirely different mission. I was inspired both by an email I received about 3.1 Phillip Lim’s fall line and the lovely fall weather we were having up until Wednesday to research some really unbelievable statements of this season’s trends. I searched high and low to bring you this visual compilation of the most eye-catching looks, as in “Shit, I didn’t see that nail sticking out of the wall there and now I’ve left an eyeball behind.”

           I was surprised by my findings. I expected to collect some pieces from the usual hit or miss designers: Etro, Erdem, Missoni. While all three of these big names make some really beautiful garments, you can’t deny that they make just as many hideous garments. Missoni zigs and zags colors that look like vomited Golden Corral and the two E’s put so much busy in their prints that being on acid would make you feel calm. SURPRISE! None of these three were even in the ballpark. And speaking of calm, another name I expected to be tagging right and left was Mary Katrantzou. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand her work. Even her garments – the prints - I found to be like calming seas to my eyes after the pieces I have found for you. Sure, I found stuff that was out there weird. I found clothes that were really ugly and might make you gag. To make the cut for this edition, however, they had to be the noxious elite. I want you to know some of these items have sold out. So, they’re not only ugly, they’re popular. And, almost all of them cost more than a months rent. And without further ado, let the fugly fall fashion fair commence!

I think this is what happens when a parrot flies
into a fan. Tim Ryan £1,585 at Browns London.

Okay, I lied a little. I'm throwing
 in a Missoni scrunchie, so you
can hold back your hair
while you vomit. It's $95.

And, when the head falls of the parrot, Fendi
turns it into a keychain. £425 at Browns London.

It astounds me how something so simple can
be so horrendous. Carven $805 at Avenue32.
This one sold out at Net-a-porter. ?!

YEAH! This is what I want for Christmas!
NO! Why would you dye angora that color?
It kind of just looks like she rolled around on
the couch after a chartreuse cat slept on it. 
Antonio Marras $2505.59 at Farfetch.com.

I think she got cold at the Chinese food
restaurant and just took this off the wall.
Duro Olowu $6285 at Net-a-porter.

Oy Marie! Well, there she is. I'm sorry, but someone
 needs to re-educate Givenchy on the definition of "sweatshirt."
This is not it. And it's available at so many places...
$1440 at Net-a-porter.

I really just don't understand this one.
Except, is she checking for armpit
odor? Moschino Cheap and Chic
$560 at Net-a-porter.

While we're printing people's
faces on garments, how about Elvis' face
in your lap? Ashley Williams 785€ at colette.fr.

There's not much to say about this
shearling coat, is there? Except that maybe
Net-a-porter needs to think about firing their buyers?
Roberto Cavalli $10,090. Yes, you read that right. 

Just the perfect dress for under that
shearling. We've gone down
the rabbit hole and taken
Farmer McGregor's rose garden.
Rodarte $14,919.71 at colette.fr.

No fashion show would be complete
without a tribute to the Golden Girls.
There's no tie-dye, but it still
feels like it's swirling a bit. Or maybe
that's my stomach. Prabal Gurung
$2195 at Net-a-porter.

Animal print! If you stare at it long enough, the
black and white part looks like a head on
a body. $900 at (you guessed it) Net-a-porter.

Here's a whole look for you. I think
I'll call it "rotting art deco building."
Anna Sui cape $605 at farfetch.com.
Anna Sui pants $450 at Net-a-porter.

My favorite, to close. Christopher Kane
feather - applique cashmere sweater.
$4295 at Net-a-porter. For an additional $4770,
you may also purchase the skirt. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Got A Red Neck? How 'Bout A Scarf?

Cable Cowl Neck Scarf
Brooks Brothers $148
Lambswool & Silk Twill

           “I was starting to get aggravated last night when I thought about how I never make it through a fall season without forgetting to wear some of my fall weight coats. Somehow, I managed to amass this collection of great mid-weight outerwear, and it doesn’t get USED because I don’t go anywhere, and I spend all my time in puffer vests and North Face fleeces.” Talk about first world problems, THIS is how I opened my session with my therapist on Tuesday. Of all the more pressing, mood-affecting things I could have brought up, preparing my body for the temperatures between 32 and 65 was at the top of the list.

Yarnz "Floral Mosaic' Scarf
Nordstrom $110
Silk 

Autumn might be my favorite time of year coming from an apparel and fashion standpoint. Scarves (!), gloves, tights, sweaters, puffer vests, jackets, socks, hoodies, fleeces, and warm bedding abound and get to be mixed and matched to provide just the right level of warmth. It is the time of year when I get reacquainted with my good friends Goosedown and Cashmere. And apparently it is also the time of year when I forget that I went on some sort of psychotic coat collecting binge over the past three to four years (maybe it took longer than that) and now have enough mid weight coats to wear a different one every day for more than a week. “Sell them!” I hear you say. NO! I like them all!

I don’t actually want to talk about jackets. I would like to talk about scarves. The right scarf can make your jacket look much more polished. And if you are wearing a silk scarf, or something lighter weight, it can add some punch to your entire outfit. I was a bit disappointed when I saw that high necklines were a trend for Fall 2012. I find turtlenecks unbelievably constricting. And given my broad shoulders, anything that comes up around my neck like a halter tends to make me look like I could be a member of the USA Olympic Swim Team. High necklines attached to long sleeves have a similar effect – broad broad broad. This broad doesn’t want to look broad.

Salvatore Ferragamo
Gancini Print Scarf
Bloomingdales $340
Silk

Solution? The scarf! I can take any sweater or shirt with a low cut neckline and add a scarf to give myself a higher neckline, while also providing either a color or textural contrast to break up that length from left to right. Bonus: it warms up your neck. While I was working at Ferragamo they taught us several ways to style “foulards” (that is a large square silk scarf, for those not in the know), such as folding it in a triangle and tying it in a knot on the side of your neck. The triangle could go in the front. It could be folded into a long rectangle and tied around the neck. They even suggested that you could take two of them, tie the corners together behind your neck, and then cross them over your knockers and tie the other ends around the back into a “shirt,” but I would never suggest that unless you were going for a high class honiform.

Psp11 Printed Scarf
Societe Anonyme $272
Silk

Whether you’re searching for a traditional long scarf to hang down from both sides of your neck or a foulard to tie up near the collar, you shouldn’t have to fork over an arm and a leg to get one. If you spend less, you can buy more of them. I have two requirements by which I choose scarfs: pattern and palatability. Do I mean eat the scarf? Geez, no. The fabric is next to your face, however, so it should be lusciously soft. You wouldn’t sleep in sandpaper pajamas. Don’t wear scratchy scarves. Understood?

A scarf from Hermes or Ferragamo or a small selection of the other French and Italian fashion houses will break the bank. You aren’t just paying for the name; they are of higher quality (though I do believe that with anything other than the two aforementioned, you will be overpaying for what you get). They are created with detailed silk screening processes, using different screens for each color, have hand rolled edges, use the finest quality silks, and are very well-blocked (that gives the scarf its shape). Also, most of them aren’t made in China. That being said, very few people would actually notice ANY of these details if you were wearing one of these scarves. By all means, if you see a beautiful foulard that you’ve fallen in love with its pattern, and you have the money to shell out to buy it, gift yourself. If you are just buying it because of who made it, you, my friend, are a label whore. There. I said it. When you fold the scarf up to put it on, half the time, you can’t even see the pattern anymore anyway! It turns into an abstract version of its former self.

Nordic Fairisle Scarf
Johnstons of Elgin $65
Extra Fine Merino

My recommendation is to head yourself over to your local TJ Maxx or Marshalls and start touching their selections. When your hands find something that feels good, see if you like what it looks like. Touch first; look second. That will ensure you don’t end up with something your cat wouldn’t even sit on. If you’re really that appalled by the discount store idea, go ahead and waste your money at the department stores. Nordstrom has a good selection, but be prepared to pay for it. An even better idea than the department store is to visit your local galleries. Fiber artists often have woven and dyed scarves for sale, especially at holiday times. The price may be on the higher end, but then it’s truly a piece of art.

My favorite way to wear a scarf, if only I could pull this off.

Before I leave you, I must address a pet peeve…. The infinity scarf. What about this scarf says infinity? It’s a circle. It’s a mobius. It’s a cowl. Can we stop calling it an infinity scarf already? It doesn’t make any sense. My shoes form an unending oval around my feet, but I don’t call them infinity shoes… infinity pant legs. Infinity underwear. Infinity socks. Infinity sleeves. Infinity…