It's Fashion Friday!: Bandages are for Burns

Hey, look! I found Grandma’s full body Spanx for sale while I was looking for pretty clothes. Actually, I’m joking. That’s a dress. Would I lie to you? One of Hervé Léger’s “iconic” bandage dresses. In the hue of rich white woman. On sale at theoutnet.com (Net-A-Porter’s online outlet) for $598. Originally $1450. No you may not have a link to it, I refuse to support that in any way. Why would anyone pay that much to cover themselves in monochromatic horizontal stripes?

            The bandage dress was born in the 80s. It was a rough time for fashion. Very few things from this decade deserved to be resurrected. We have already visited my infatuation with jelly shoes. Fluorescent colors are debatable. I’m over them, except for workout-wear (it makes beating yourself to a pulp so much more palatable), but I understand that for people born in the 90s and later that novelty was missed. Is there anything else? High waisted pants? No. White washed jeans? No. Oversized t-shirts tied in a side knot? Definitely not. And then we have the bandage dress.

            NO ONE looks good in these dresses. The press praises this fashion choice because someone told them they were supposed to like it, no doubt. Due to copyright restrictions, I cannot provide these pictures directly. If you press HERE, you can open a photo from Us Weekly of J-Lo in a dress that looks like it was made with a pasta machine. I don’t know why anyone would think that was attractive. And HERE, Blake Lively, dearie, what were you thinking allowing anyone to put you in that? I know the website says you look good, but you don’t! You look much larger than you are. And your crotch is almost hanging out. My conclusion, bandage dresses only look good on Lolita. And if you are a parent who would actually allow their teenage daughter to leave the house in something like this, you should be arrested for child endangerment.

            If you are over 18 and your parents can’t keep you from committing this horrific error in judgment, I assure you that you will get attention. Not all attention is good attention. I guarantee you the teenage boys in your neighborhood will burn the image of you in this dress into their brains for years to come. And if the thought of that excites you, we have even bigger problems than I originally thought. I can recommend a great psychiatrist.

            This is not to say that all form-fitting dresses are a no no. Form-fitting dresses, when tailored properly, can be stunning. I am not encouraging wearing potato sacks instead of bandage dresses. I would just appreciate my dresses to be made of high quality textiles, not things you find in a hospital. And an hourglass is a beautiful shape. Tell me though, when was the last time you saw an hourglass with ripples in the bottom? Yeah, I hear you saying that’s what Spanx are for, but, honey, they can only do so much. This McQ Alexander McQueen dress would be much prettier than a bandage dress. And it’s still going to hug your curves without making you look like an exploding sausage. Too expensive? You mustn’t buy knockoff bandage dresses from French Connection, or even for $30 at Forever 21, just because they are cheaper! They are STILL UGLY! Susana Monaco makes lovely form-fitting jersey dresses for a more acceptable price tag.

            If you have gotten this far and are still insistent on squeezing yourself into a tube of expensive stretchy wound coverings you might as well just buy this one. It’s at netaporter.com (Find it yourself). For $2300 you can look like Native American Barbie and bury our hearts at Wounded Knee. While you’re at it, you should probably bury my eyeballs and gag reflex as well. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Would you please pass the jelly?

            My very first pair of jelly shoes were Stuart Weitzman. Clear plastic maryjanes sculpted like bird’s nests with rhinestones gently kissing the toebox like dewdrops. When I first saw them the child in me could be heard whispering, “princess shoes!” and I knew they would be coming home with me. I never got to wear jelly shoes as a child. My mother said they were not good for growing feet. She saved me from all kinds of regretful fashion trends ranging from the spandex biker shorts of the 80’s to the ruffled pirate blouses of the early 90’s. I am thankful for those, but, unfortunately, the deprivation of jelly shoes has resulted in an unnatural obsession with plastic shoes and handbags.

            The practicality of plastic accessories knows few boundaries. Not only does one not have to worry about the material getting wet, plastics are easy to clean should they be thrown up on by a baby, cat, or drunk sorority girl.  And carrying such accessories out into the public eye can leave you with the comfort of knowing that no member of PETA is going to hunt you down in your sleep.

            I recently discovered these Missoni jelly flats on the Bloomingdales website. I find them to be delightfully summery and object to nothing but their steep price of $250 (Really? They’re plastic shoes.). Luckily there are slightly more reasonable options out there. One of my favorites is the BowWow (see below). A collaboration between Moschino and Kartell (an Italian furniture company specializing in aesthetically satiating plastic furniture), these sweet little ballet flats have been around for a couple of years and are available in 15 colors. They're non-toxic and recyclable. And new for this season, they’ve come out with a wedge.

            Plastic handbags have the added feature of allowing one a glimpse inside the bag, which can be good or bad depending on your level of tidiness. Some people would maintain that plastic bags are only for the beach, but I strongly disagree. Last year Furla debuted their Candy Bag. I was not sure how I felt about the texture when I finally had my hands on one in their Munich store. I ended up passing and instead became the owner of a Jil Sander Orange Acetate Market tote. This summer season saw the return of Furla’s doctor bag shaped candy satchel and they’ve incorporated another of my favorite things: glitter. I don’t know how it would be possible to frown walking around with a sparkling pink carryall. Additionally, I am certain this bag would be a great conversation starter with my favorite three-year old diva, Cora, an expert in all things pink. 

            Unless you wish to look like a three year old or a melted crayon box while sporting these smile-inducing PVC accessories, I suggest you keep the styling on the conservative side. They would be best highlighted with neutrals, but it’s not entirely necessary to rule out contrasting colors. Take advantage of the bright color trend we are experiencing! Just don’t overdo the colorblocking or wear too many colors at once, unless you are interested in trying out that vomit easy cleanup theory I mentioned earlier. Leave the rainbows to Skittles and Lucky Charms, please. So, put your serious accessories away, and welcome in the warmer weather with polyvinyl chloride pleasure.