It's Fashion Friday!: Fifteen Farcical Fashion Finds That Will Make You Say "For Real?!"

The inspiration. This 3.1 Phillip Lim denim
JUMPSUIT with PATCHES costs $1295.
Would you believe it's sold out at Saks?

           As many of the world’s fashion savvy have been falling all over themselves at NY Fashion Week this past week to see what spring fashion will hold (it’s worse than Christmas decorations at Halloween), I have been on an entirely different mission. I was inspired both by an email I received about 3.1 Phillip Lim’s fall line and the lovely fall weather we were having up until Wednesday to research some really unbelievable statements of this season’s trends. I searched high and low to bring you this visual compilation of the most eye-catching looks, as in “Shit, I didn’t see that nail sticking out of the wall there and now I’ve left an eyeball behind.”

           I was surprised by my findings. I expected to collect some pieces from the usual hit or miss designers: Etro, Erdem, Missoni. While all three of these big names make some really beautiful garments, you can’t deny that they make just as many hideous garments. Missoni zigs and zags colors that look like vomited Golden Corral and the two E’s put so much busy in their prints that being on acid would make you feel calm. SURPRISE! None of these three were even in the ballpark. And speaking of calm, another name I expected to be tagging right and left was Mary Katrantzou. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand her work. Even her garments – the prints - I found to be like calming seas to my eyes after the pieces I have found for you. Sure, I found stuff that was out there weird. I found clothes that were really ugly and might make you gag. To make the cut for this edition, however, they had to be the noxious elite. I want you to know some of these items have sold out. So, they’re not only ugly, they’re popular. And, almost all of them cost more than a months rent. And without further ado, let the fugly fall fashion fair commence!

I think this is what happens when a parrot flies
into a fan. Tim Ryan £1,585 at Browns London.

Okay, I lied a little. I'm throwing
 in a Missoni scrunchie, so you
can hold back your hair
while you vomit. It's $95.

And, when the head falls of the parrot, Fendi
turns it into a keychain. £425 at Browns London.

It astounds me how something so simple can
be so horrendous. Carven $805 at Avenue32.
This one sold out at Net-a-porter. ?!

YEAH! This is what I want for Christmas!
NO! Why would you dye angora that color?
It kind of just looks like she rolled around on
the couch after a chartreuse cat slept on it. 
Antonio Marras $2505.59 at Farfetch.com.

I think she got cold at the Chinese food
restaurant and just took this off the wall.
Duro Olowu $6285 at Net-a-porter.

Oy Marie! Well, there she is. I'm sorry, but someone
 needs to re-educate Givenchy on the definition of "sweatshirt."
This is not it. And it's available at so many places...
$1440 at Net-a-porter.

I really just don't understand this one.
Except, is she checking for armpit
odor? Moschino Cheap and Chic
$560 at Net-a-porter.

While we're printing people's
faces on garments, how about Elvis' face
in your lap? Ashley Williams 785€ at colette.fr.

There's not much to say about this
shearling coat, is there? Except that maybe
Net-a-porter needs to think about firing their buyers?
Roberto Cavalli $10,090. Yes, you read that right. 

Just the perfect dress for under that
shearling. We've gone down
the rabbit hole and taken
Farmer McGregor's rose garden.
Rodarte $14,919.71 at colette.fr.

No fashion show would be complete
without a tribute to the Golden Girls.
There's no tie-dye, but it still
feels like it's swirling a bit. Or maybe
that's my stomach. Prabal Gurung
$2195 at Net-a-porter.

Animal print! If you stare at it long enough, the
black and white part looks like a head on
a body. $900 at (you guessed it) Net-a-porter.

Here's a whole look for you. I think
I'll call it "rotting art deco building."
Anna Sui cape $605 at farfetch.com.
Anna Sui pants $450 at Net-a-porter.

My favorite, to close. Christopher Kane
feather - applique cashmere sweater.
$4295 at Net-a-porter. For an additional $4770,
you may also purchase the skirt. 

It's Fashion Friday!: If Mr. Green Jeans Could See You Now...

           When I decided to start this blog, one of the platforms was that not all people with an interest in fashion are vapid, superficial nincompoops. I’ve always found it pretty offensive when people have expressed to me comments like, “You’re too smart to be a musician,” “You’re too smart to work in retail,” “You’re too smart to WHATEVER.” There are intelligent people touring all walks of life. People’s intellects should not be judged based on their professions, hobbies, or interests. That being said, we cannot escape the fact that there are plenty of superficial, idiotic morons walking amongst us (some of them even have ivy league diplomas). While these people can be infuriating, they also provide much fodder for our entertainment.

            Thanks to a friend, I was directed to this article on Gizmodo: “Skinny Jeans Are Damaging Your Health.” I don’t wear skinny jeans because I find it really uncomfortable to have such an anaerobic fabric as denim clinging like Saran Wrap to my calf muscles (and my legs are quite chicken like, so I don’t know how the chunky lower leg crowd can stand it). Overall, I don’t have a problem with them. And there are several people who have managed to find pairs that fit and didn’t make them look like they were suffering from a bizarre case of edema in the thigh/ass region. (You know… very thin on the bottom, but looking like there might be a circular life preserver around the hips underneath the pants.)

            According to the article, some of you out there have taken the vanity thing to an extreme and are actually wearing pants that are giving you nerve damage. NERVE DAMAGE!!!! I can’t stop laughing when I think about this. Your jeans are compressing the outer nerve in your thigh into the bone at the top of the hip joint. You may have numbness; you may have pain. Now I happen to be familiar with nerve pain. I have suffered from sciatica, caused by compression of different spinal nerves, on and off for years. And I can assure you that nerve pain is one of the most jarring, excruciating sensations I have ever experienced. So, I am just shaking my head at the fact that anyone would allow themselves to suffer nerve pain from wearing pants that are too tight.

            In addition to this, I can’t figure out how you are getting these tight jeans on your body without spraining back muscles and giving yourself a hernia. I wear leggings and tights, and they are fairly tight and a pain in the ass to put on, but not tight enough to cause nerve damage. These skinny jeans have to be even tighter than support hose. Right now, I’m picturing someone trying to put a pregnant sow into one leg of some pantyhose, because that has to be an equivalent simulation of what is going on here.

            Vogue.com thinks they have the answer with this fall’s “The Perfect Fall Pants.” In print they are claiming that bootleg and straight leg pants will be the new skinny jean. I can agree with the sentiment. The examples they give, on the other hand, make me wonder what kind of crack was passed around at their daily morning meeting the day this was compiled. Their cover photo exhibits some Rochas brocade pants to the tune of $1540. (Rochas makes some beautiful clothes, but their Fall/Winter 2012 collection looks a bit like they were trying to outfit Professor Trelawney – crazy divination professor/Emma Thompson – from the Harry Potter movies.)

            Filipa Fino (Vogue) claims, “Being fitted on top and flared at the bottom, these pants accentuate a feminine shape…The key to these pants is a heel, and they’re great if you’re short and want to hide it!” That may be true if the pants were not this horrific pattern. Not only do these pants scream pajamas, but these circles are going to make any tiny person look dumpy, no matter how flared the silhouette. To be honest, they look more like a wide leg than a flare.

            Sadly, it doesn’t really get any better. Aside from this beautiful pair of trousers by Prabal Gurung (which could be perfect if they weren’t $1125), the other selections in the editorial are either ugly, impractical, or both. Ankle zips on high-waisted white pants that appear to have front pleats by Doo.Ri. Ankle length skinny pants from Gap (didn’t they say they were going to show us something different than skinny jeans?). A couple of pairs of putty colored pants with slanted pockets at the hip courtesy of Gucci and Balenciaga. A Helmut Lang cropped pleated pant. I love Helmut Lang without question, but I have tried on enough of his pants to know that they are made specifically for boy shaped bottom halves.

Need I go on? You can look at them yourself. The colors are bland and boring and none of them will look good on anyone who isn’t a curve-less size 4 or below. This leads me to believe that these people working for Vogue don’t know much what they are talking about. Nor do they understand what a flared leg actually looks like.  Maybe their pants are just too tight and they’ve gone daft from the nerve damage.