It's Fashion Friday!: Shall I Or Shan’t I Dress Like An Ice Cream Cone

            We are what we eat. I eat a lot of ice cream. I really like ice cream. Why not look like ice cream? Pastels are back for spring and I can’t say if I’m excited about it. I guess they’re pretty. Yet more often than not, I find they remind me of children, The Golden Girls, and geriatric golfing attire. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget the Easter Bunny, dear, dear bringer of spring chocolates. The aforementioned characters are not any I’ve ever taken seriously so how I would take anyone dressed in head to toe pastels in a serious manner is hard to imagine. It sounds like one of those outfits I would pull together at 4:45 am in the dark, running out the house to get in the car, so my mom could drive us down to NYC to visit my brother, and somewhere along the way, after I’d had a cup of coffee, I would stop to use a restroom and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, do a double take, shudder, and wonder what I’d done to make my mom angry enough to passive-agressively let me out of the house looking like a sociopathic homeless person from Miami.

            The more I ruminate on it, the more it becomes clear in my mind that it is impossible to wear head to toe pastels and not look like a blooming imbecile. Probably a lovely fragranced, spring-like one, but brainless, none-the-less. There are some quite pretty pastel colored pieces you might want to acquire to cheer up your closet. I assure you that none of them are for sale at Sears. If you don't believe me, take a visit to the Sears in Burlington, MA and check out the mannequin display straight ahead on the right about fifty feet from the snow blower section. 

Pierre Hardy $895

            Net-A-Porter was trying to tempt me to some of their pastel product by associating them with ice cream sundaes (Sundae Girl). Dear, Net-A-Porter, I don’t eat clothes. Regardless, these Pierre Hardy suede pumps are scrumptious. If only I had $895 just laying around that I didn’t know what to do with. Oh wait, let me just pull that out of my inside jacket pocket along with my Amex black card and the deed to the 200 acres of land I own in South Africa. These shoes would look amazing with a black dress – something with a flouncy skirt and a very fitted, perhaps backless top. Can you picture it? I can.

Carven $590

            This dress by Carven, sherbert colored with some grapesicle… OOOooooh NO. That, I just needed to throw in there because it’s about as ugly as the stuff from Sears.  And it’s 10 times the price. To be honest, an awful lot of this pastel stuff is pretty hideous. It looks like Father Time woke up and vomited the 1950’s. And not the good parts. The undigested unnatural parts. 

Acne $300

           This Acne dress is quite pretty. It’s simple. Color and tiering. I don’t want to see any big girls in it though, this is a dress for a waif. I.e. if you are shaped like me, this is not for you. This is a dress for my friend Alicia. Miss I can eat half a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts in a sitting and never hit the 100 pound mark. Girlfriend, I hope you’re reading this.

Skaist-Taylor $295

            I love this silk top by Skaist-Taylor. The blush pink can be hard to pull off with fair skin. If you break it up with dark jewelry or a dark colored scarf between the shirt and your face you can increase the possibility of being able to wear it without looking shirtless. I love that this blouse has ZIPPERS up the sleeves. It’s girly, but still with a little bit of rocker/euro-punk flair. I wouldn’t pair it with the skirt they’ve paired it vwith, however, unless you are fairly tan (and also quite wealthy, as that skirt costs $1200).

Shourouk $530

            Pastel jewelry, now that’s fun. And it won’t overtake your entire outfit. I quite enjoy these earrings, while the price is absolutely ridiculous. $530? You must be kidding. I am only showing you these Swarovski earrings by Shourouk because I know that you can take the inspiration from this image and go and find something vintage (used/old/cheap) at a Salvation Army or a yard sale. I’m sure there’s plenty of pastel bakelite (that may be expensive if you buy it from someone who knows what they have) and melamine jewelry hanging out in the cobwebbed corners of antique stores and people’s attics.

            The moral of this story is that if you want to wear pastels, you pick A (as in a single) pastel color and use it as a pop to go with some neutrals, such as black, or brown, or grey. Pastel colors should be treated like prints. While they aren’t as bright as fluorescents or as in your face as a paisley or an argyle, they’re just not good for mixing, except in an ice cream bowl. And when all is said and done, ice cream melts. And very few people actually like melty ice cream. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Thank Heavens For Sweatpants

           I used to dress up when I traveled. I’m a firm believer that people judge you by what you look like. Granted, this is not something I support – it’s just an unfortunate reality of the superficial human race. If you’ve ever attempted to travel with an instrument, or any other strangely shaped, large, valuable object, you know that flight attendants and gate personnel can be *ahem* difficult (and that is perhaps a generous adverb). My experience was that if I was flying first class or was dressed as professional as possible (looked like I had money, was a frequent flyer, or someone who might complain in a way that might end in them losing their job), I would be treated with more respect and would likely end up with my instrument safely in the cabin.

            International flights are just TOO long to be worrying about looking nice. Comfort is infinitely more important when it is likely you will be jammed between two people who refuse to allow you to use either of your arm rests for six+ hours. It is times like these when I would like to go on a personal quest to find the soul who decided to remove the elastic from the bottom hems of sweat pants to give a tailored look to the world’s most comfortable fabrics and laud them with kisses and puppies. Tailored sweatpants might just be one of the greatest inventions since the light bulb.

            My friend Janet had requested that I do a write up on cashmere hoodies after last week’s high-end t-shirt teardown. While cashmere hoodies may be the height of frivolity, they are the ultimate luxury when it comes to comfort. With tailored sweatpants, fleece jackets, and dresses crafted of like textiles, anyone can be close to that comfortable without the hefty price tag. Well, unless you decided to buy your comfy clothes at Lululemon.

            I am absolutely DA-ROOLING over this HELMUT by Helmut Lang jacket. It’s $195, so I won’t own it unless I win the lottery or find another job. Nordstrom also carries it in a putty color, which I think is great for fall. A more affordable option (less than half $) would be this similar asymmetrical zip Puma version, which is not as bulky as it looks on the model, and also has a collar that can be flipped up in the back. I’m not going to lie, my mom recently bought this jacket for me as a gift and I’m in love with it. The picture doesn’t do it justice. I’d take a picture of it on myself, but that requires too much effort at this time.        

           The Gap has this lovely French terry dress right now. It’s singing a tune of $49.95, and looks ultra comfortable. It’s not exciting to look at, but that’s not really the point. It could easily be dressed up with belts, shoes, jewelry, scarves, etc. if you really feel the need to stand out in your sweatshirt. The Gap is advertising “Sweatshirt Chic” right now, but sadly do not have any tailored sweatpants. Granted, it is a lot easier to find sweatpants when the weather is cold. Do not misunderstand, nothing that you buy at Victoria’s Secret that has writing on the butt qualifies as tailored sweatpants. Generally for something to qualify as a tailored sweatpant in my book it must have a generous visible hem at the bottom, pockets, and be cut like a normal pair of pants (preferably wide leg). 

           I can’t find anything for sale fitting my stringent requirements, but something close is the EverydayPant from Lucy - $79. If you happen to not be familiar with Lucy, I LOVE LUCY (HA)! They are the American equivalent of Lululemon, but they have sales – ACTUAL sales (i.e. more than $5 off on an $80 product). Another outstanding tip I wish to offer, come winter season clearance sales, are the Neiman Marcus clearance racks in the loungewear sections. Neiman Marcus has an in house brand of “relaxed” wear – what they would consider jogging suits. It’s a joke, really, their designers have clearly never watched anyone jog. Last year I found black cargo sweatpants and a lovely ivory ruched sweatshirt cardigan.

Yes she is wearing a visor. Tennis anyone?

           So, by the time you read this, I will be in Zurich, drinking delicious coffee. I will have worn wide-leg Lululemon yoga pants (most likely), a comfy cowl neck sweatshirt, and Puma ballet flats for my flight. (I realize it is still summer, but transatlantic flights can be awfully chilly, and I am poor so there might not be blankets). I most definitely will not have worn THIS GETUP that I found in the Net-a-porter weekly mag this morning. I am quite certain that if anyone were to show up at the airport looking like this they would quickly find themselves on the do not fly list. Don’t you agree?