It's Fashion Friday!: Shall I Or Shan’t I Dress Like An Ice Cream Cone

            We are what we eat. I eat a lot of ice cream. I really like ice cream. Why not look like ice cream? Pastels are back for spring and I can’t say if I’m excited about it. I guess they’re pretty. Yet more often than not, I find they remind me of children, The Golden Girls, and geriatric golfing attire. Oh, and I shouldn’t forget the Easter Bunny, dear, dear bringer of spring chocolates. The aforementioned characters are not any I’ve ever taken seriously so how I would take anyone dressed in head to toe pastels in a serious manner is hard to imagine. It sounds like one of those outfits I would pull together at 4:45 am in the dark, running out the house to get in the car, so my mom could drive us down to NYC to visit my brother, and somewhere along the way, after I’d had a cup of coffee, I would stop to use a restroom and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, do a double take, shudder, and wonder what I’d done to make my mom angry enough to passive-agressively let me out of the house looking like a sociopathic homeless person from Miami.

            The more I ruminate on it, the more it becomes clear in my mind that it is impossible to wear head to toe pastels and not look like a blooming imbecile. Probably a lovely fragranced, spring-like one, but brainless, none-the-less. There are some quite pretty pastel colored pieces you might want to acquire to cheer up your closet. I assure you that none of them are for sale at Sears. If you don't believe me, take a visit to the Sears in Burlington, MA and check out the mannequin display straight ahead on the right about fifty feet from the snow blower section. 

Pierre Hardy $895

            Net-A-Porter was trying to tempt me to some of their pastel product by associating them with ice cream sundaes (Sundae Girl). Dear, Net-A-Porter, I don’t eat clothes. Regardless, these Pierre Hardy suede pumps are scrumptious. If only I had $895 just laying around that I didn’t know what to do with. Oh wait, let me just pull that out of my inside jacket pocket along with my Amex black card and the deed to the 200 acres of land I own in South Africa. These shoes would look amazing with a black dress – something with a flouncy skirt and a very fitted, perhaps backless top. Can you picture it? I can.

Carven $590

            This dress by Carven, sherbert colored with some grapesicle… OOOooooh NO. That, I just needed to throw in there because it’s about as ugly as the stuff from Sears.  And it’s 10 times the price. To be honest, an awful lot of this pastel stuff is pretty hideous. It looks like Father Time woke up and vomited the 1950’s. And not the good parts. The undigested unnatural parts. 

Acne $300

           This Acne dress is quite pretty. It’s simple. Color and tiering. I don’t want to see any big girls in it though, this is a dress for a waif. I.e. if you are shaped like me, this is not for you. This is a dress for my friend Alicia. Miss I can eat half a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts in a sitting and never hit the 100 pound mark. Girlfriend, I hope you’re reading this.

Skaist-Taylor $295

            I love this silk top by Skaist-Taylor. The blush pink can be hard to pull off with fair skin. If you break it up with dark jewelry or a dark colored scarf between the shirt and your face you can increase the possibility of being able to wear it without looking shirtless. I love that this blouse has ZIPPERS up the sleeves. It’s girly, but still with a little bit of rocker/euro-punk flair. I wouldn’t pair it with the skirt they’ve paired it vwith, however, unless you are fairly tan (and also quite wealthy, as that skirt costs $1200).

Shourouk $530

            Pastel jewelry, now that’s fun. And it won’t overtake your entire outfit. I quite enjoy these earrings, while the price is absolutely ridiculous. $530? You must be kidding. I am only showing you these Swarovski earrings by Shourouk because I know that you can take the inspiration from this image and go and find something vintage (used/old/cheap) at a Salvation Army or a yard sale. I’m sure there’s plenty of pastel bakelite (that may be expensive if you buy it from someone who knows what they have) and melamine jewelry hanging out in the cobwebbed corners of antique stores and people’s attics.

            The moral of this story is that if you want to wear pastels, you pick A (as in a single) pastel color and use it as a pop to go with some neutrals, such as black, or brown, or grey. Pastel colors should be treated like prints. While they aren’t as bright as fluorescents or as in your face as a paisley or an argyle, they’re just not good for mixing, except in an ice cream bowl. And when all is said and done, ice cream melts. And very few people actually like melty ice cream. 

It's Fashion Friday!: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

           So, I gave myself a mini-Christmas-blog-vacation. Tuesday was the good ole 25^th of December and my über-stylish and thoughtful little brother was home (with his puppy Oliver and Oliver’s friend Iggy). I, of course, took my own advice and spent the day in tailored sweatpants, partook of Starbucks iced coffee – no donuts, but I assure you I made up for that in many other ways, and did relatively nothing. My real Christmas celebration happens the evening before, and that was also lovely. The whole Yule came in and out like a whirlwind this year. And now it is almost the new year! I think it’s excellent that the world didn’t end on December 21^st as so many people were worried it would. Quite simply, there are still many more shoes I would like to wear. And, I am not speaking metaphorically, but quite literally. While I have very recently Christmas gifted myself a pair of Hogan sneakers (HEAVEN!!!! Just as expected!), I still would like to get my hands on a pair of Chloe ballet flats.

            Since we will have another year, we will have another year’s eve. What will you wear? What will I wear? New Year’s Eve is one of the holidays when we can get away with really glamming it up with glitz and glitter. When you think about it, it’s completely nonsensical. It’s a random day, 10 days into winter, when it’s cold, dark, grey, and otherwise completely ordinary. How often, however, do we have free reign with the sequins, sparkles, and over the top disco ball style? Hardly ever.

            There is one thing about this holiday I take great offense at, and that is the ridiculous ball that drops in Times Sq. It was recently replaced with one covered in Waterford Crystal. (You can read ALL about it here.) That should translate in your head to muchos dollars. If you read my blog about the Olympics opening ceremonies, you know how I feel about such ridiculous wastes of money in times when there are people who don’t have food to eat. I’m just a poor person, however, living in a world of excess.

This is fairly tame compared to many of Sears' Junior Dress
collection. Why does she look so happy? She's thinking
"paycheck" instead of "what the hell am i wearing?"

            Moving on to wearable glitz, you do NOT have to spend a lot of money to find something ridiculous. This would be perhaps the ONLY instance where I might say that it is acceptable to purchase something from the Sears fancy dress department (though I still do not endorse it). They have sequined spandex to the max. See the dress – this is the kind of “holy shit ugly” I encounter every time I walk through Sears to get into the mall. One of the reasons I say you could do this for New Year’s is because many people will be too drunk to remember that you did. If you are going to do this, however, you must be no bigger in girth than the size of one of my thighs. For the rest of us, the After Christmas Sales are the best times to buy these “I might not wear it again” shiny/sparkly dresses for New Year’s Eve.

            The problem with sequins is that they need to be sewn on by a person. That raises the cost. Shiny is definitely going to cost you less than sequined. And if you spend $300+ on a dress to wear only for New Year’s Eve, to get your money’s worth you will probably also need to wear this dress around the house while you do things like vacuuming and dishwashing. Wearing a sequined/shiny shirt with a skirt or pants is always an option, depending on how fancy a party you will be attending. Or you could be bold and switch that around – although I really don’t recommend sequined pants. You will look like Liberace.

            Let’s just cut to the chase. Here are some dresses. I wish you well in the New Year. My friend Roslyn will be getting married on the Eve. I have not yet decided what I will be wearing to her New Year’s Eve wedding! I guarantee you there will be some shine or sparkle somewhere in my outfit…. This is not to say that it is ever inappropriate to spend New Year’s Eve on the couch in pajamas.

Free People Daydream Beaded Dress $88

Eliza J Bloused Sequin Dress $94.80

Anne Klein Sleeveless Knot Dress $104.25

Karl Ordina Sequined Biker Dress $145.01

Ali Ro Ruched Lo-Back Sequined Dress $238

SPLURGE!!!!!

It's Fashion Friday!: I'll Bring the Wallets, You Bring the Dough!!!!

Salvatore Ferragamo
Icona French Wallet $425
This one's for Grandma.

            Let’s get something straight. A stocking stuffer does not have its status determined by its size, but by its price. iPhone – NOT a stocking stuffer. Candy pooping reindeer – STOCKING STUFFER. Now that we have that straight… A fantastic holiday gift idea, and a particular favorite accessory of mine, is the wallet! Wallets, wristlets, cosmetic pouches, card cases, money clips: all of these delightful little gems come in a range of styles, qualities and prices. This means that you can get them as “I love you so much!” gifts to yourself, “Thanks for employing me,” gifts for your boss, “I had to spend a lot of money on you, but you have such horrible taste in everything I didn’t know what else to get for you,” presents for matriarchal family members, “Holidays are awkward - this is personal, but not so personal that there’s worry of wedding bells,” gifts for boyfriends/girlfriends, or even “This is a cute way to spruce up the inside of your purse and it didn’t cost me much!” for your girlfriends. Wallets as gifts for men tend to be a bit more personal as they seem to use one until it is completely falling to pieces and then replace it. With us ladies, it’s like handbags. Excess is to be expected. Different wallets exist for different bags, moods, and seasons.

Comme des Garçons
Bright Star Wallet $210

            Designer wallets all come with hefty multiple hundred dollar price tags. Even after selling them, I’m going to be honest with you – I'm not entirely certain why they’re so pricey. Saffiano leather is a draw, yes (that’s that lovely laser textured leather, and it does make your product more durable to things like that rude, grabby girl’s finger nails and cats). Brass zippers last longer and generally work a bit better. The colors are nice. As long as your product is made of leather and not plastic, however, it should be fairly durable! Maybe people won’t say, “OOH, she has a PRADA wallet!” when you go to pay for things, but do you really need to hear that to move on with your day? These fill the “had to spend a lot of money on you” gift category.

Miu Miu Matelassé
Leather Wallet $480

If you’re going to shell out the cash for a wallet/wristlet for yourself, it should at least have something exciting going on with its appearance, other than a designer logo. I love Comme des Garçons for interesting wallets. I can’t figure out for the life of me why they’re so expensive, other than the cool quotient. This little wallet sure is fun! It also comes in a pouch style (no strap, so sadly not a wristlet). Colorful. Shiny. Sure to bring smiles. They have some polka dot embossed pieces as well that are quite rich in color. For texture, Miu Miu does the matelassé leather wallets. I absolutely love this style. This is on the top end of what I deem an acceptable amount to pay for a wallet. I’m not even going to discuss wallets that cost more than this. There are people starving on the street in the cold. If you are thinking about buying an $800 wallet, I strongly suggest you think about just how ridiculous that is and buy the $480 wallet (which is ALSO ridiculous btw) and give the other $300 to a homeless shelter.

Hobo 'Lauren' Double
Frame Clutch $128

Let’s explore the personal/not so personal price range for girlfriends, girlfriends of family members, and just plain old NORMAL people. Some brands I really like for quality/style/price are Hobo, Lodis, and Cole Haan. Hobo makes the double frame clutch. The advantage to this lovely “wallet” is that you can fill it with all kinds of stuff for a night out on the town. It can take the place of a handbag. (It’s funny, gentlemen. As much as the ladies love to accumulate handbags, they find them to be a giant pain in the ass to haul around.) The drawback is that you have to hold it in your hand wherever you go, hence the term “clutch.” If you get a shiny one, though, it’s not so bad. You can stare at it in the light and entertain yourself whilst those around you start to wonder about your level of sanity. These run a little over $100 depending on the style. I don’t know anyone with one of these who doesn’t love it, including myself. 

Lodis 'Audrey'
Continental Wallet $88

Lodis just makes lovely leather products. Sometimes they have really fun wacky wallets for people who want something different. I have a fluorescent yellow one with dead flowers shellacked into it. They almost always carry very basic wallets – ziparounds, frame, continental (long), and French (short, squat). And business card cases! For a less expensive or a “thanks for employing me” gift.

Cole Haan 'Jitney'
Electronic Wristlet $78

I love the idea of a wristlet. It used to be that you could only get wristlets at Coach, but now Cole Haan has quite a few of them and I really prefer their leathers. I find the wristlet far superior to the clutch for normal daily use. You put that little loop around your wrist, and you let go, and it just hangs there! Tada! Magic. I can be absent minded and know that my wallet is attached to my body. Just like my mittens used to be. My brilliant friend Jenifer has an entirely different use for the wristlet. She uses multiples of them to organize the inside of her handbag. Coach should probably be paying her for the good press she’s giving them.

Lulu Wallet from Sears $9.98

Now if you’d like a cute stocking stuffer style wallet to give as a gift, you can pay a stocking stuffer price ($9.98) and purchase this one at Sears. It’s shiny. It’s silly. It’s fun. It’s probably going to fall apart in a couple of months. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Rather than being sad about poorly made $10 wallets, I would approach this the same way I approach broken wine glasses. The sooner you break them all, the sooner you get to pick out new ones! 

Cole Haan Reflective
Slim Wallet in
Tango Red $98

         If you want to buy a wallet, money clip, card case for your man, do not fear... I’m not going to leave you hanging. While I am not a man and can’t tell you for sure what I would need in a men’s wallet, I once sold quite a lot of them. From my experience, if you’re not 100% certain he likes ornately decorated stuff, he probably doesn’t want a jacked up wallet. Like this Cole Haan reflective wallet in Tango Red? PROBABLY NOT. It needs to be soft enough leather that it’s not going to be painful in the back pocket, yet also durable. It’s not a good thing when the corners start coming apart or the stitching starts coming out. Some guys stuff way more stuff than they should in those poor bi-folds. (No one carries trifold wallets anymore, except very strange clientele). I really liked to sell this textured bifold at Ferragamo, though I don’t remember it costing $295. Inflation? It’s simple and durable. If you’ve found a man worth keeping, this wallet is worth buying. Money clips are fun too for a more old-fashioned type, or someone who routinely has lots of cash. Just don’t get the magnetic ones. They seem really great, until that one absent minded day when the guy puts a credit card in with his cash…… 

Salvatore Ferragamo Bifold
in Embossed Calfskin $295