It's Fashion Friday!: Could Y’all Please Stop Wearing Pattern Printed Pants?

         

These look an awful lot like an ugly tablecloth.

 If I were a bowl of fruit meant to sit in the middle of a table, I would be very confused. It should be easy to separate the tables from other objects and living beings. They have multiple legs and don’t move. Lately, however, there are a lot of really large asses walking around in busily patterned jeans and pants. Many of the pants are floral and look like tablecloths. How would I, the bowl of fruit, be able to discern which large space I was meant to rest on? Normally it could be a matter of what is moving and what is not, but with all of these ugly loud patterns in my face, I just feel dizzy, so, everything appears to be moving. It just isn’t right that we set out to confuse the fruit bowls.

Someone already
upchucked on these.

            What really isn’t right is that all of our eyes are being forced to look at these pants. I know, I know. I’m the one that’s always complaining about people NOT wearing pants. Really though, between things like buck-

ass naked Miley Cyrus and her tongue, the woman I saw at the outlet malls yesterday dressed in head to toe variants of the color celery, oh and the thong/cleavage visions during yesterday's weightlifting class, my eyes are HURTING. They simply CANNOT take anything else. That means that if I see another pair of Victorian-curtain-like floral skinny jeans on any person, I might throw up on their feet. You’ve been warned! Wear your galoshes if you plan to step out with a loud bum.

These are not the least bit offensive,
although they are a BIT on the tight side.

            This is not to say that all patterned pants are off limits. My friend

Beth and I discussed this. She actually refrained from buying some patterned pants because she thought I would scold her. (You grow up wanting to make a difference in the world – this is not the kind of difference I was expecting. I’ll take it though, for now). It turns out that same day I had to break down and tell her that I purchased a pair of patterned skinny pants. Now, the difference between the pants I bought, the pants Beth should have purchased (She doesn’t HAVE to take my advice. I’m really not that judgmental. In fact, she probably prevents me from purchasing somewhat outrageous impractical things more often than I she), and the

Looks like tweed.
I can handle this.

pants that everyone else is parading is the color contrast and busy-ness of print. I purchased some Helmut Lang white and ivory geometric pants. The pattern is subtle. It does not accent my hindquarters like the multi-colored horse in the Emerald City. Similarly acceptable patterns might be tiny dots, stripes, or perhaps an all over print that is made to look like a fabric, such as these Lafayette 148 cropped pants. This pattern isn’t so offensive because it looks like woven fabric. Of course, some images don’t

You don't even see the orchestra
at the knees. All I see are eyes.

belong on fabric – such as this photograph of a night at the ballet that made it’s way onto these Clover Canyon pants. All I can see are two giant eyeballs on two butt cheeks. You can’t make this stuff up.

            It doesn’t matter if you are small or large. Pants cover a pretty big percentage of your personal surface area. Filling it with busy, busy patterns is just going to make people sick. I don’t think anyone wants people to feel ill at the sight of them. So, I ask, not just as a selfish desire to not have to shake off encounters with particularly awful bottom choices, but for your own benefit! It is based in altruism. I do not want you to be thrown up on! What kind of person would I be if I encouraged behavior that would bring on such an awful circumstance? 

I swear every time I pick up
something that is WAY too loud,
it's Catherine Malandrino.

Ugly Pants Primer - a few questions you may ask yourself if you are uncertain if the pants you're considering will make people cross. If the answer is "yes" to any of the following, the pants are a "no."

Mattress or dentist office curtains? 

1. Do they contain more than one primary color? 

 2. Do they resemble any fabric you've seen on a mattress? They use some pretty sad floral fabric on mattresses....

They must be kidding with these....
it looks like she spilled Saag Paneer in her lap.

3. Do they draw unnecessary attention to your crotch?

I saw these at the Bloomingdales
outlet. Why oh why did Level 99
 make these???? 

4. Do they attempt to give you textured skin, like a snake, or an alligator perhaps?

5. Do you see people having to shake it off like the thought of a 400 pound man in a Speedo after they look at the pants?

Hope this was helpful!!!

WOW. Just. WOW. <shudder>

It's Fashion Friday!: If Mr. Green Jeans Could See You Now...

           When I decided to start this blog, one of the platforms was that not all people with an interest in fashion are vapid, superficial nincompoops. I’ve always found it pretty offensive when people have expressed to me comments like, “You’re too smart to be a musician,” “You’re too smart to work in retail,” “You’re too smart to WHATEVER.” There are intelligent people touring all walks of life. People’s intellects should not be judged based on their professions, hobbies, or interests. That being said, we cannot escape the fact that there are plenty of superficial, idiotic morons walking amongst us (some of them even have ivy league diplomas). While these people can be infuriating, they also provide much fodder for our entertainment.

            Thanks to a friend, I was directed to this article on Gizmodo: “Skinny Jeans Are Damaging Your Health.” I don’t wear skinny jeans because I find it really uncomfortable to have such an anaerobic fabric as denim clinging like Saran Wrap to my calf muscles (and my legs are quite chicken like, so I don’t know how the chunky lower leg crowd can stand it). Overall, I don’t have a problem with them. And there are several people who have managed to find pairs that fit and didn’t make them look like they were suffering from a bizarre case of edema in the thigh/ass region. (You know… very thin on the bottom, but looking like there might be a circular life preserver around the hips underneath the pants.)

            According to the article, some of you out there have taken the vanity thing to an extreme and are actually wearing pants that are giving you nerve damage. NERVE DAMAGE!!!! I can’t stop laughing when I think about this. Your jeans are compressing the outer nerve in your thigh into the bone at the top of the hip joint. You may have numbness; you may have pain. Now I happen to be familiar with nerve pain. I have suffered from sciatica, caused by compression of different spinal nerves, on and off for years. And I can assure you that nerve pain is one of the most jarring, excruciating sensations I have ever experienced. So, I am just shaking my head at the fact that anyone would allow themselves to suffer nerve pain from wearing pants that are too tight.

            In addition to this, I can’t figure out how you are getting these tight jeans on your body without spraining back muscles and giving yourself a hernia. I wear leggings and tights, and they are fairly tight and a pain in the ass to put on, but not tight enough to cause nerve damage. These skinny jeans have to be even tighter than support hose. Right now, I’m picturing someone trying to put a pregnant sow into one leg of some pantyhose, because that has to be an equivalent simulation of what is going on here.

            Vogue.com thinks they have the answer with this fall’s “The Perfect Fall Pants.” In print they are claiming that bootleg and straight leg pants will be the new skinny jean. I can agree with the sentiment. The examples they give, on the other hand, make me wonder what kind of crack was passed around at their daily morning meeting the day this was compiled. Their cover photo exhibits some Rochas brocade pants to the tune of $1540. (Rochas makes some beautiful clothes, but their Fall/Winter 2012 collection looks a bit like they were trying to outfit Professor Trelawney – crazy divination professor/Emma Thompson – from the Harry Potter movies.)

            Filipa Fino (Vogue) claims, “Being fitted on top and flared at the bottom, these pants accentuate a feminine shape…The key to these pants is a heel, and they’re great if you’re short and want to hide it!” That may be true if the pants were not this horrific pattern. Not only do these pants scream pajamas, but these circles are going to make any tiny person look dumpy, no matter how flared the silhouette. To be honest, they look more like a wide leg than a flare.

            Sadly, it doesn’t really get any better. Aside from this beautiful pair of trousers by Prabal Gurung (which could be perfect if they weren’t $1125), the other selections in the editorial are either ugly, impractical, or both. Ankle zips on high-waisted white pants that appear to have front pleats by Doo.Ri. Ankle length skinny pants from Gap (didn’t they say they were going to show us something different than skinny jeans?). A couple of pairs of putty colored pants with slanted pockets at the hip courtesy of Gucci and Balenciaga. A Helmut Lang cropped pleated pant. I love Helmut Lang without question, but I have tried on enough of his pants to know that they are made specifically for boy shaped bottom halves.

Need I go on? You can look at them yourself. The colors are bland and boring and none of them will look good on anyone who isn’t a curve-less size 4 or below. This leads me to believe that these people working for Vogue don’t know much what they are talking about. Nor do they understand what a flared leg actually looks like.  Maybe their pants are just too tight and they’ve gone daft from the nerve damage.

Look Ma, NO PANTS!!!

      A few weeks ago I was taking advantage of the excellent Massachusetts public transportation system (read with a large dose of sarcasm) and found myself walking up the stairs behind a pretty young thing. I’d guess she was somewhere in her twenties. Given that she was about four steps above me, it was impossible not to look at her ass. It was at eye level. I would have fallen down if I tried to look at the ceiling and looking at the ground is bad for your neck. There was absolutely nothing wrong with this young lady’s behind, except that it wasn’t covered! 

      Okay, sure, she was wearing leggings. The leggings, however, were not opaque enough to hide the fact that she was wearing striped Victoria’s Secret “Pink” underwear. The letters were there, right in front of my face. I understand the shift in fashion from the Mennonite like loosely fitting full coverage outfits to the “If you’ve got it flaunt it” attitude. 

      It is not only an encouragement to feel good about yourself as you are, but also a bit of a power play. (I doubt very much that a woman in a low cut shirt with a push up bra hasn’t had the thought “Hey look my boobs are bigger than yours,” at least once. It may be subconscious and not hostile in nature, but it’s definitely there.) Yet even the “flaunt it” attitude would not condone leaving the house without clothes on. Well, ladies, if you have decided to wear leggings in place of pants, you have done exactly that. 

I don’t need to show you pictures for you to know what I’m talking about. This craze set in a few years ago and for whatever reason hasn’t gone away. But, why? There are TONS of online editorials expressing that many ladies do not support this substitution! If leggings were the same as pants, they would be called pants. They’re not. Are these women just looking for attention? Most people have nightmares about leaving the house half dressed or not dressed at all. Are they suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s? There are some great medications out there now… Are they older women trying to prove they’ve still got it? Whatever IT is… they don’t!!!!! They’re old!!! Nobody’s checking out Grandma’s ass. The men her age are most definitely too busy looking at the less droopy derrieres of the younger women who also left the house without pants. 

      Offenders among us, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I have a great backside. You’re just jealous of it.” Or perhaps, “I look hot, mind your own business.” Well, you would be incorrect. What I’m thinking is,  “I have a nice rearend too, and I have the self respect to cover it. You- you just look easy.” That’s right. EASY. You’re not just giving a preview you’re showing the whole movie for free. Then the other, more unfortunate possibility is that you couldn’t afford pants. I can just hear my late grandmother commenting on a revealing outfit, “I guess she didn’t have enough money to buy fabric to finish that.”

      I’m not saying you have to wear pants and not show off your legs. Wear a skirt. Wear a tunic that comes well bellow your butt ridge line. But for God’s sake and for mine, cover your ass! Value yourself as something other than a piece of flesh! The only cheeks I want to see are on your face, thank you. Any decent woman would alert you if she saw your boob popped out of your shirt. Well I’m here to alert you that your butt’s hanging out. And it ain’t pretty. 

In case you need help figuring out whether or not you are wearing pants, here is a handy chart from Buzzfeed: Leggings Or Pants? Chart