Thanks to a
friend, I was directed to this article on Gizmodo: “Skinny Jeans Are Damaging Your Health.” I don’t wear skinny jeans because I
find it really uncomfortable to have such an anaerobic fabric as denim clinging
like Saran Wrap to my calf muscles (and my legs are quite chicken like, so I
don’t know how the chunky lower leg crowd can stand it). Overall, I don’t have
a problem with them. And there are several people who have managed to find
pairs that fit and didn’t make them look like they were suffering from a
bizarre case of edema in the thigh/ass region. (You know… very thin on the
bottom, but looking like there might be a circular life preserver around the
hips underneath the pants.)
According
to the article, some of you out there have taken the vanity thing to an extreme
and are actually wearing pants that are giving you nerve damage. NERVE
DAMAGE!!!! I can’t stop laughing when I think about this. Your jeans are
compressing the outer nerve in your thigh into the bone at the top of the hip
joint. You may have numbness; you may have pain. Now I happen to be familiar
with nerve pain. I have suffered from sciatica, caused by compression of different spinal nerves, on and off for years. And I can assure you that nerve pain is
one of the most jarring, excruciating sensations I have ever experienced. So, I
am just shaking my head at the fact that anyone would allow themselves to
suffer nerve pain from wearing pants that are too tight.
In addition
to this, I can’t figure out how you are getting these tight jeans on your body
without spraining back muscles and giving yourself a hernia. I wear leggings
and tights, and they are fairly tight and a pain in the ass to put on, but not
tight enough to cause nerve damage. These skinny jeans have to be even tighter
than support hose. Right now, I’m picturing someone trying to put a pregnant
sow into one leg of some pantyhose, because that has to be an equivalent
simulation of what is going on here.
Vogue.com
thinks they have the answer with this fall’s “The Perfect Fall Pants.” In print they are claiming that bootleg and straight leg pants will be the new
skinny jean. I can agree with the sentiment. The examples they give, on the
other hand, make me wonder what kind of crack was passed around at their daily
morning meeting the day this was compiled. Their cover photo exhibits some
Rochas brocade pants to the tune of $1540. (Rochas makes some beautiful
clothes, but their Fall/Winter 2012 collection looks a bit like they were trying to
outfit Professor Trelawney – crazy divination professor/Emma Thompson – from the
Harry Potter movies.)
Filipa Fino (Vogue) claims, “Being
fitted on top and flared at the bottom, these pants accentuate a feminine
shape…The key to these pants is a heel, and they’re great if you’re short and
want to hide it!” That may be true if the pants were not this horrific pattern.
Not only do these pants scream pajamas, but these circles are going to make any
tiny person look dumpy, no matter how flared the silhouette. To be honest, they
look more like a wide leg than a flare.
Sadly, it doesn’t really get any
better. Aside from this beautiful pair of trousers by Prabal Gurung (which
could be perfect if they weren’t $1125), the other selections in the editorial
are either ugly, impractical, or both. Ankle zips on high-waisted white pants
that appear to have front pleats by Doo.Ri. Ankle length skinny pants from Gap
(didn’t they say they were going to show us something different than skinny
jeans?). A couple of pairs of putty colored pants with slanted pockets at the
hip courtesy of Gucci and Balenciaga. A Helmut Lang cropped pleated pant. I
love Helmut Lang without question, but I have tried on enough of his pants to
know that they are made specifically for boy shaped bottom halves.
Need I go on? You can look at them yourself. The colors
are bland and boring and none of them will look good on anyone who isn’t a
curve-less size 4 or below. This leads me to believe that these people working
for Vogue don’t know much what they are talking about. Nor do they understand
what a flared leg actually looks like. Maybe their pants are just too tight and they’ve
gone daft from the nerve damage.
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