It's Fashion Friday!: Bad Grammar Isn't Cute And Neither Is ModCloth

           

Some poor unsuspecting sods sent me an unsolicited catalog. Tsk tsk. Based on the contents I can be 100% certain they did not get my mailing address from Michaels, Nordstrom, Tiffany & Co., or Salvatore Ferragamo (the four retailers who do regularly grace my snail mailbox). I don’t even get catalogs from Urban Outfitters Corporation anymore, so I really can’t figure out where this thing came from. Alas, its contents were not pleasing.

Gnome heel? With giant gold hearts
on the front? I'm going to be honest. If you buy this shoe,
I'm going to have to reconsider our friendship
and/or lock you in a basement until
you recover your sensibility.

            ModCloth prints on the front “Your Voice. Your Choice. Your Style.” I’m going to go with “No.” as the answer to the question that was not posed. Maybe they thought that by putting a token fat girl (and I only say that in relation to the other girls on the cover – in real life I’m sure she’s normally sized) on the cover, it would entice me to open and peek inside. Again the answer is, “no.” I did, however, look inside because I enjoy a good laugh at a disaster where no one was injured.

Worse than Anthro ugly sweaters. My phone
couldn't even focus on them. 

            Now, if you’ve ever been to Anthropologie in the winter time in the last 10 years or so (Free People counts too) you’re going to know what I’m talking about when I say there are generally at least 3 or 4 sweaters/dresses that you look at, recoil, and wonder “WHO on this green earth would PAY MONEY for THAT?!” Working there gives you the experience of watching THAT person come in and buy those things bringing that perfect “Aha,” moment. My first response upon opening this catalog was that it was a catalog meant for THOSE people. Quite honestly, ModCloth’s product looks like bad rip-offs of Anthropologie garments.  And the sad thing about that is, Anthropologie’s in house garments are often rip-offs of real designer’s work or vintage pieces. (Urban Outfitters Corporation has become pretty well known for intellectual property theft). As I continue to page through past some ugly dresses and the token fat girl I get to the Urban Outfitters style décor pieces. Creepy cat pillows, a bowl/box/candydish? shaped like a brain that they used for pistachios, playing card Salt and Pepper set, ugly flatware… etc. You get the idea.

            What follows is some eh dresses and some shapewear? I would have been able to put it down and not write about it, but then I had to turn the page to the “Uh, what????” If I were to make a dress to wear, I would want it to cause the following interaction: “That’s a beautiful dress!”

            “Why, thank you! I made it!”

            “No, sir.”

            “Yes, sir!”

I would not want it to go like this: “Oh, that’s cute. Did you make that?”

            “No, I bought it.”

            “OH. Is it vintage?”

            “No, I paid $100 for it from some catalog.”

            “Oh dear.”

These dresses would cause the second reaction. There’s one covered in sunglasses, one with dominos on it, one with dancing ladies. There are also hot air balloon and umbrella prints. Maybe those are just frumpy, but then my eyes were drawn to the top of page 12, where a lot of my cardinal styling rules were just tossed aside to hungry Chinese chicken nugget eating raccoons. Here’s the picture. Which is your favorite? Mine is a toss up between the pink-toned, porpoise-in-the-lap, outer space leggings (NOT PANTS!) and the dress that is printed with vividly colored sandwich innards.

          

No! Don't add this whimsy! PLEASE!

  They tell a story about the beginnings of the company that is so grammatically ambiguous you would think that the owner was selling junk out of her dorm-room closet, and then magically had Made in China fake vintage junk to sell. An English purist might also be distraught by the use of the shortened “Fab” instead of fabulous, and without apostrophe. And then anyone with a brain should be horrified that “Sure Bets For A Fresh, Profesh Look!” made it past any kind of copy editor. Profesh? Are you kidding? There is nothing “profesh” about thinking “profesh” is an appropriate adjective to describe anything but people who like things that are "fesh," whatever that means.

Oh no they didn't… Yes they DID.

            By the end of the catalog, we are watching the token fat girl (in the same outfit from the cover) say goodbye to her guests. There are some hella’ (hell of – let’s just butcher the language while we look at ugly shit) ugly sweaters for you to wear outside. And finally, the last page shows crazy girls’ bedrooms. One girl even had balls of yarn nailed to the wall

EGADS that cat is a PILLOW.

above her bed with cat sheets. Can I please have some pro-fresh disinfectant because I’m feeling awfully violated by yucktasticness right now. I think it’s a SURE BET that I won’t be shopping at ModCloth this holiday season, or any other season. And, I recommend you follow my lead.

It's Fashion Friday!: Fifteen Farcical Fashion Finds That Will Make You Say "For Real?!"

The inspiration. This 3.1 Phillip Lim denim
JUMPSUIT with PATCHES costs $1295.
Would you believe it's sold out at Saks?

           As many of the world’s fashion savvy have been falling all over themselves at NY Fashion Week this past week to see what spring fashion will hold (it’s worse than Christmas decorations at Halloween), I have been on an entirely different mission. I was inspired both by an email I received about 3.1 Phillip Lim’s fall line and the lovely fall weather we were having up until Wednesday to research some really unbelievable statements of this season’s trends. I searched high and low to bring you this visual compilation of the most eye-catching looks, as in “Shit, I didn’t see that nail sticking out of the wall there and now I’ve left an eyeball behind.”

           I was surprised by my findings. I expected to collect some pieces from the usual hit or miss designers: Etro, Erdem, Missoni. While all three of these big names make some really beautiful garments, you can’t deny that they make just as many hideous garments. Missoni zigs and zags colors that look like vomited Golden Corral and the two E’s put so much busy in their prints that being on acid would make you feel calm. SURPRISE! None of these three were even in the ballpark. And speaking of calm, another name I expected to be tagging right and left was Mary Katrantzou. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand her work. Even her garments – the prints - I found to be like calming seas to my eyes after the pieces I have found for you. Sure, I found stuff that was out there weird. I found clothes that were really ugly and might make you gag. To make the cut for this edition, however, they had to be the noxious elite. I want you to know some of these items have sold out. So, they’re not only ugly, they’re popular. And, almost all of them cost more than a months rent. And without further ado, let the fugly fall fashion fair commence!

I think this is what happens when a parrot flies
into a fan. Tim Ryan £1,585 at Browns London.

Okay, I lied a little. I'm throwing
 in a Missoni scrunchie, so you
can hold back your hair
while you vomit. It's $95.

And, when the head falls of the parrot, Fendi
turns it into a keychain. £425 at Browns London.

It astounds me how something so simple can
be so horrendous. Carven $805 at Avenue32.
This one sold out at Net-a-porter. ?!

YEAH! This is what I want for Christmas!
NO! Why would you dye angora that color?
It kind of just looks like she rolled around on
the couch after a chartreuse cat slept on it. 
Antonio Marras $2505.59 at Farfetch.com.

I think she got cold at the Chinese food
restaurant and just took this off the wall.
Duro Olowu $6285 at Net-a-porter.

Oy Marie! Well, there she is. I'm sorry, but someone
 needs to re-educate Givenchy on the definition of "sweatshirt."
This is not it. And it's available at so many places...
$1440 at Net-a-porter.

I really just don't understand this one.
Except, is she checking for armpit
odor? Moschino Cheap and Chic
$560 at Net-a-porter.

While we're printing people's
faces on garments, how about Elvis' face
in your lap? Ashley Williams 785€ at colette.fr.

There's not much to say about this
shearling coat, is there? Except that maybe
Net-a-porter needs to think about firing their buyers?
Roberto Cavalli $10,090. Yes, you read that right. 

Just the perfect dress for under that
shearling. We've gone down
the rabbit hole and taken
Farmer McGregor's rose garden.
Rodarte $14,919.71 at colette.fr.

No fashion show would be complete
without a tribute to the Golden Girls.
There's no tie-dye, but it still
feels like it's swirling a bit. Or maybe
that's my stomach. Prabal Gurung
$2195 at Net-a-porter.

Animal print! If you stare at it long enough, the
black and white part looks like a head on
a body. $900 at (you guessed it) Net-a-porter.

Here's a whole look for you. I think
I'll call it "rotting art deco building."
Anna Sui cape $605 at farfetch.com.
Anna Sui pants $450 at Net-a-porter.

My favorite, to close. Christopher Kane
feather - applique cashmere sweater.
$4295 at Net-a-porter. For an additional $4770,
you may also purchase the skirt. 

It's Fashion Friday!: The Doldrums

           I’m so bored with all the fashion emails I’ve been getting. Colorblock. Distressed denim. Suiting. Pastels. Isn’t anyone doing anything new? I guess everything has been done before. There is no such thing as new. Perhaps there could be a mutual agreement to strive for good-looking, at the very least.

Things I wish would go away:

This DOESN'T look good. Wear a skirt or
a longer pant with a wider leg, but this
doesn't work. Sorry. Truth hurts.

1. This notion that you can just stick a 5-inch heel on a shoe and call it a day. I’m not a hooker and I don’t want to look like one. There are so many ugly shoes out there these days I can go into a DSW and not even be compelled to try a single thing on.

2. Ladies wearing wedge shoes with skinny pants. It’s not balanced.

3. Girls who aren’t old enough to have had a job carrying handbags that cost more than my week’s pay. Teach your child the value of a dollar. Stop raising entitled brats.

4. Thongs sticking out of anything. I don’t want to know what kind of underwear you have on unless your pants were so ugly I ripped them off. Even then, it would have just been an unfortunate consequence.

5. Midriff. Really? First of all, it’s winter. Second, really?

I don't know where this picture originated from, but
it's all over the internet. A bird could nest in that thing.

6. Men’s drawers. Pull your damned pants up. Buy a belt. Get some suspenders. Use duct tape. They may look nicer than that thong, but I still don’t want to see ‘em sticking out of your pants.

7. SOCK BUNS! Socks go on your feet, not on your head. Stop this hipster hair crap. If you want a chignon in your hair, learn how to do it the right way – with hair pins.

JACK ROGERS.... What is up with the circles and the weird
seaming?

8. Jack Rogers sandals. They’re just ugly.

9. Writing on the Butt pants, unless you’re going to tell me something witty.

10. JUSTIN BIEBER. He’s not fashionable, or a fashion item, but I sure can keep hoping he'll disappear.

It's Fashion Friday!: What Can You Do With Some Clay, A Fake Owl, And A Really Ugly Leopard Print Shirt From TJ Maxx? Let Me Show You....

Artistic Rendering of Your Average Bird
In Animal Print Pants Copyright
S Botham 2012

            Last week I visited my second favorite place to read fashion magazines – the hair salon. All of the reading must take place before styling begins, as once I sit in Omar’s chair it is time for us to chat (I won’t let anyone else touch my hair. 17 years of flawless haircuts. I followed him up and down Newbury St. and now I drive to the North Shore to get to him). I picked up the August issue of InStyle to see what kinds of suggestions they had for my wardrobe and approached it with an open mind.

3.1 Phillip Lim pants
suggested by InStyle

            I got to page 114 in a feature that was supposed to be telling me about “smart pieces” I could take from now into autumn and found myself wondering if the editors sit in an office and conspire to see how many gullible idiots they can get to dress up like clowns purely for their own entertainment. The page displays “animal-print pants…. A bit more exotic than a pair of jeans but just as easy to wear.” Since when are animal print pants easy to wear? And if they really are, then why are you showing me the clothes laid out flat instead of on actual people? Additionally the pants they picked are silk (read clingy on big girls) and tapered to a cuff at the bottom (hello 80’s parachute pants).

            I’ve generally been of the mindset that animal prints are great for accessories such as shoes, foulards, belts, etc. Full outfits of animal print should be left to the zebras and the leopards and the cheetahs. We’ve all seen those girls/guys who overdo the animal print – wear a leopard print dress with a large print and then over-accessorize with child-like headbands and fishnet stockings and espadrilles…. You look at them and shake your head and wonder if it would be a good investment to buy them a full-length mirror, just so you don’t ever have to see them looking like that again. You then remember that girl went to school for fashion design and yet still does not recognize the names of Jil Sander or Brian Atwood and realize the situation is completely hopeless. The POINT is that there is an art to evoking the sleek, breathtaking glory of the felines of the wild. You don’t just throw on some animal print pants and call it a day. Unless you want everyone and their brother having Mr. T in their head saying, “I pity the fool…..” fill in the blank with whatever you choose. The whole point of animal print in real life setting was to camouflage the animal, not to make it stand out to predators and mean girls. 

            Later on in the magazine, different approaches to denim are suggested. And of course, they have suggested some animal printed jeans. If you are tall and thin, you go right ahead and rock those feather print jeans. If you are like me, and have an ass that’s more than twice the combined width of your ankles, do yourself a favor and DON’T DO IT! Do you want to look like a triangle from behind? Yesterday I was bemoaning the fact that my shoulders are so broad. I guess this would be one way to make them look a bit thinner. If your ass looks like a feather-covered dumptruck, no one is even going to look at your shoulders.

            There was a time when I was unhealthily thin – 5’7” maybe 110 pounds. I had this wacky pair of Diane von Furstenburg jeans that were a purple base with a dark jewel tone print of circles and squiggly lines. I could wear those then. I couldn’t even allow one leg to wear them now. Things change. Bodies change. Get over it. Accept reality as it is right now. Mr. T wouldn’t want you to have animal-print-dumptruck butt, even if the editors of InStyle do.  

Contact me directly for more creepy photos of owls in leopard pants.