Friday, August 10, 2012

It's Fashion Friday!: What Can You Do With Some Clay, A Fake Owl, And A Really Ugly Leopard Print Shirt From TJ Maxx? Let Me Show You....

Artistic Rendering of Your Average Bird
In Animal Print Pants Copyright
S Botham 2012

            Last week I visited my second favorite place to read fashion magazines – the hair salon. All of the reading must take place before styling begins, as once I sit in Omar’s chair it is time for us to chat (I won’t let anyone else touch my hair. 17 years of flawless haircuts. I followed him up and down Newbury St. and now I drive to the North Shore to get to him). I picked up the August issue of InStyle to see what kinds of suggestions they had for my wardrobe and approached it with an open mind.
3.1 Phillip Lim pants
suggested by InStyle
            I got to page 114 in a feature that was supposed to be telling me about “smart pieces” I could take from now into autumn and found myself wondering if the editors sit in an office and conspire to see how many gullible idiots they can get to dress up like clowns purely for their own entertainment. The page displays “animal-print pants…. A bit more exotic than a pair of jeans but just as easy to wear.” Since when are animal print pants easy to wear? And if they really are, then why are you showing me the clothes laid out flat instead of on actual people? Additionally the pants they picked are silk (read clingy on big girls) and tapered to a cuff at the bottom (hello 80’s parachute pants).
            I’ve generally been of the mindset that animal prints are great for accessories such as shoes, foulards, belts, etc. Full outfits of animal print should be left to the zebras and the leopards and the cheetahs. We’ve all seen those girls/guys who overdo the animal print – wear a leopard print dress with a large print and then over-accessorize with child-like headbands and fishnet stockings and espadrilles…. You look at them and shake your head and wonder if it would be a good investment to buy them a full-length mirror, just so you don’t ever have to see them looking like that again. You then remember that girl went to school for fashion design and yet still does not recognize the names of Jil Sander or Brian Atwood and realize the situation is completely hopeless. The POINT is that there is an art to evoking the sleek, breathtaking glory of the felines of the wild. You don’t just throw on some animal print pants and call it a day. Unless you want everyone and their brother having Mr. T in their head saying, “I pity the fool…..” fill in the blank with whatever you choose. The whole point of animal print in real life setting was to camouflage the animal, not to make it stand out to predators and mean girls. 
            Later on in the magazine, different approaches to denim are suggested. And of course, they have suggested some animal printed jeans. If you are tall and thin, you go right ahead and rock those feather print jeans. If you are like me, and have an ass that’s more than twice the combined width of your ankles, do yourself a favor and DON’T DO IT! Do you want to look like a triangle from behind? Yesterday I was bemoaning the fact that my shoulders are so broad. I guess this would be one way to make them look a bit thinner. If your ass looks like a feather-covered dumptruck, no one is even going to look at your shoulders.
            There was a time when I was unhealthily thin – 5’7” maybe 110 pounds. I had this wacky pair of Diane von Furstenburg jeans that were a purple base with a dark jewel tone print of circles and squiggly lines. I could wear those then. I couldn’t even allow one leg to wear them now. Things change. Bodies change. Get over it. Accept reality as it is right now. Mr. T wouldn’t want you to have animal-print-dumptruck butt, even if the editors of InStyle do.  

Contact me directly for more creepy photos of owls in leopard pants.

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