Friday, November 15, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Bad Grammar Isn't Cute And Neither Is ModCloth


Some poor unsuspecting sods sent me an unsolicited catalog. Tsk tsk. Based on the contents I can be 100% certain they did not get my mailing address from Michaels, Nordstrom, Tiffany & Co., or Salvatore Ferragamo (the four retailers who do regularly grace my snail mailbox). I don’t even get catalogs from Urban Outfitters Corporation anymore, so I really can’t figure out where this thing came from. Alas, its contents were not pleasing.
Gnome heel? With giant gold hearts
on the front? I'm going to be honest. If you buy this shoe,
I'm going to have to reconsider our friendship
and/or lock you in a basement until
you recover your sensibility.
            ModCloth prints on the front “Your Voice. Your Choice. Your Style.” I’m going to go with “No.” as the answer to the question that was not posed. Maybe they thought that by putting a token fat girl (and I only say that in relation to the other girls on the cover – in real life I’m sure she’s normally sized) on the cover, it would entice me to open and peek inside. Again the answer is, “no.” I did, however, look inside because I enjoy a good laugh at a disaster where no one was injured.
Worse than Anthro ugly sweaters. My phone
couldn't even focus on them. 
            Now, if you’ve ever been to Anthropologie in the winter time in the last 10 years or so (Free People counts too) you’re going to know what I’m talking about when I say there are generally at least 3 or 4 sweaters/dresses that you look at, recoil, and wonder “WHO on this green earth would PAY MONEY for THAT?!” Working there gives you the experience of watching THAT person come in and buy those things bringing that perfect “Aha,” moment. My first response upon opening this catalog was that it was a catalog meant for THOSE people. Quite honestly, ModCloth’s product looks like bad rip-offs of Anthropologie garments.  And the sad thing about that is, Anthropologie’s in house garments are often rip-offs of real designer’s work or vintage pieces. (Urban Outfitters Corporation has become pretty well known for intellectual property theft). As I continue to page through past some ugly dresses and the token fat girl I get to the Urban Outfitters style décor pieces. Creepy cat pillows, a bowl/box/candydish? shaped like a brain that they used for pistachios, playing card Salt and Pepper set, ugly flatware… etc. You get the idea.
            What follows is some eh dresses and some shapewear? I would have been able to put it down and not write about it, but then I had to turn the page to the “Uh, what????” If I were to make a dress to wear, I would want it to cause the following interaction: “That’s a beautiful dress!”
            “Why, thank you! I made it!”
            “No, sir.”
            “Yes, sir!”
I would not want it to go like this: “Oh, that’s cute. Did you make that?”
            “No, I bought it.”
            “OH. Is it vintage?”
            “No, I paid $100 for it from some catalog.”
            “Oh dear.”
These dresses would cause the second reaction. There’s one covered in sunglasses, one with dominos on it, one with dancing ladies. There are also hot air balloon and umbrella prints. Maybe those are just frumpy, but then my eyes were drawn to the top of page 12, where a lot of my cardinal styling rules were just tossed aside to hungry Chinese chicken nugget eating raccoons. Here’s the picture. Which is your favorite? Mine is a toss up between the pink-toned, porpoise-in-the-lap, outer space leggings (NOT PANTS!) and the dress that is printed with vividly colored sandwich innards.
No! Don't add this whimsy! PLEASE!
They tell a story about the beginnings of the company that is so grammatically ambiguous you would think that the owner was selling junk out of her dorm-room closet, and then magically had Made in China fake vintage junk to sell. An English purist might also be distraught by the use of the shortened “Fab” instead of fabulous, and without apostrophe. And then anyone with a brain should be horrified that “Sure Bets For A Fresh, Profesh Look!” made it past any kind of copy editor. Profesh? Are you kidding? There is nothing “profesh” about thinking “profesh” is an appropriate adjective to describe anything but people who like things that are "fesh," whatever that means.
Oh no they didn't… Yes they DID.

            By the end of the catalog, we are watching the token fat girl (in the same outfit from the cover) say goodbye to her guests. There are some hella’ (hell of – let’s just butcher the language while we look at ugly shit) ugly sweaters for you to wear outside. And finally, the last page shows crazy girls’ bedrooms. One girl even had balls of yarn nailed to the wall
EGADS that cat is a PILLOW.
above her bed with cat sheets. Can I please have some pro-fresh disinfectant because I’m feeling awfully violated by yucktasticness right now. I think it’s a SURE BET that I won’t be shopping at ModCloth this holiday season, or any other season. And, I recommend you follow my lead.

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