Friday, May 31, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Fendi - Adding Fun To the Day

           Can we just take a moment and talk about how delightful the artistry coming out of the luxury brand Fendi has been lately? I used to brush this name off with the association of brown ‘F’s in stripes and relief, and while that is still present for those who must be conspicuous with their labels, the sheer playfulness and subtle glamour in the rest of their line is like a perfectly ripe strawberry on a sunny summer day. Mostly, I’m enticed by their shoe collection. I’ve seen things in past seasons that I wish I could own. And the Spring/Summer 2013 selections are no exception. Surely, there are tempting treasures for any tootsies with a modicum of taste. 
            Shall we start with serious? We can get the stuffy out of the way, move in the direction of the more circus worthy shoes you know I love, and get this going like a 4th of July fireworks show. They have a basic pump, like any good cordwainer. I don’t need to show you those, although I will tell you there’s one in magenta suede, for an edge under that black pant suit. How sweet is this one? Patent shine, a youthful bow, stripe and added neutral colors for versatility. This is so much more interesting than a plain black or brown pump. It also recalls that Fendi signature stripe without being in your face about it. This also comes in a wedge in black and taupe, and a low heel similar to the Ferragamo Vara pump in nude and RED.
            I’ve been looking for the perfect brown summer wedge sandal. This might be it. (This is not it, actually, because no one pays me to write this blog. Sad, but true. I can dream though). I like that it has the jute braid around the bottom to say, “Yes, I know espadrilles are popular in the summer time, but you paid almost $500 for this shoe. Do you really want it to be made out of plants?” Those wide straps make me happy too – I find wide strapped sandals to be a bit more stable for the ankles than thin strappy sandals. (Yes, I can be a practical woman. Don't look so surprised). The color-blocking is a nice touch also.
            This next one is exquisite. It looks to be bedazzled to look like stingray. I don’t believe it is actually stingray. This style of shoe reminds me of Ginger Rogers. I don’t know how anyone would dance in it, but it captures that air of old world glamour, from a time when no one would dream of singing about "Bubble Butts" or having the gall to shake one in your face. It’s the round toe with the t-strap combination, I do believe. And, here’s some real stingray for you (as best I can tell). In case that skin alone isn’t rich enough for you, they’ve made half the shoe orange. And that’s it. That’s enough. It’s not overdone. Oh, to stroll down a boardwalk in a summery dress in these, on your way to a glass of lemonade. 

            Fun fun fun! Why not have a shoe with pink checkerboard and orange?

           Oh, what’s that you say? You want a Bruins Playoff Series fan support shoe because you'd rather not grow a beard? They have you covered on that one too. Oh and it is divine. 


           PERSPEX! Do not forget the Perspex. I’m so excited I just can’t hide it. 

The space-age ugly runway shoe that may have moved Fendi past Prada into my favorite shoe brand is this orange gem. 

There is something about the continuity of the brown studs on the bottom of the heel matching the embossed rusty orange leather applique on the outside of the shoe also matching the leather in the sock lining that I truly appreciate. Art for the feet. 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Pass Me Some Greens, Hold The Soylent

This is the equivalent of having a G-tube
feeding through your mouth.
Would you eat anything bearing any resemblance to “Soylent Green?” Perhaps the majority of people are now too young to know what that is. I haven’t ever seen the movie, but I am still aware that “soylent green” refers to a food made of human flesh. It’s a pretty gross connotation. Thus naming a new food product “Soylent?” I would say that’s beyond ludicrous.
         Even more beyond ludicrous is the premise for this product. According to The Economist online this yummy oh-so-enticing-non-human, but named for recycled human food when mixed with water “becomes a unflavoured beige liquid.” Wow, you’re selling me already. “Soylent is a complete food replacement for those disinclined or too busy to cook, but lacking the wherewithal to eat out.”
         Hold on…. Who are these people? Is this a boring liquid food substitute for depressed people? The only time in my life I can recall ever being disinclined to eat was when I was really depressed. Don’t most people want to eat? You’re SO busy you can’t eat an apple? Or a power bar? Or a Snickers? You’d rather have a tasteless beige liquid? I mean, Pedialyte sounds better than that. Hell, I think I’d rather drink Ensure.
         Supposedly, it will also cost you $65 a week. That’s pretty expensive flavorless food. On their website they reference all the waste created from eating and that many people die each year from the smoke inhaled from indoor cooking stoves. I find it hard to believe that a sort of expensive tasteless drink is going to fix these problems. NOR DO I WANT IT TO. Okay, maybe I don’t want people to die of smoke inhalation. And I don’t want people to waste food. I do, however, want to eat food. I want to eat food that tastes like food. And if that means there’s going to be trash associated with it, well then tough. If I have to throw out some plastic so that I can eat a Ritter Sport chocolate bar with hazelnuts, I’m throwing out the plastic. 

Friday, May 24, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Focus! You Need Shorts!

           Have you ever noticed that clothes just aren’t made for ladies with excellent posture? No, really. I dare you to pick out a dress you like in a store in the size you think should fit the best, go in the fitting room, and put it on. Now stand up straight, roll your shoulders back, and look at how crappy the back of whatever you put on is now laying across your back. What is up with that?! You know what else I am discovering is an issue? They don’t make pants for thin girls with strong legs. Or maybe they just don’t make designer pants for thin girls with quadriceps muscles. I have discovered this problem because my current ass and legs don’t fit into the collection of spring and summer pants that I own. I think that maybe they didn’t fit very well last summer and my financial situation just forced me to live in denial. This year, however, “not very well” has morphed into “won’t zip a millimeter,” so denial would lead to some sort of public indecency citation.
Marianna City Short
Paperboy by G1
            All of these cropped pants, capri pants, even the long pants, are SO TIGHT through the thighs. Some of them might stretch. Some of them are probably meant to stretch. Some of them feel more like they’re going to rip. Whatever the issue is, I have completely given up on finding lightweight cropped pants that fit my stylistic requirements and my legs. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m moving on to shorts. I used to hate wearing shorts! The great thing about shorts, however, is they do not constrict your legs. They give your legs complete freedom. And, it’s really hot outside already. So, I guess I won’t even need spring pants.
            Shopping for shorts is really an entertaining treat. I don’t know how it happens, but everywhere you go they manage to mix children’s shorts in with the women’s shorts. It’s so confusing. I don’t know how you’re supposed to figure out what sizes to try on when they have things so outrageously mislabeled. Do you know what I’m talking about? You’re just wading through the racks, and you pick up shorts that look like all the rest, and you see the tiny inseam and know that they would never in a million years cover any semblance of a behind, and think, “oh these must be for my 6 year old friend Rose so we can match.” 
            And then some 16-year-old girl carrying a Coach handbag you know she didn’t pay for will
PLEASE, don't buy these. It looks like
some sort of park bench ladybug massacre. Gap $49.95.
push you out of the way, pick up those tiny shorts, and go try them on and you find yourself flooded with a deluge of thoughts including “What a rude little tramp, Who bought her that $300 handbag?!, Those aren’t going to cover her ass cheeks, Is something wrong with the world or am I just getting old?” Well, I want to assure you that there IS something wrong with the world. That teenager should not have a $300 handbag. She should definitely not be letting her ass hang out. And her parents SUCK for allowing the prior two things to happen. None of those things, however, are your problem. Your problem is that it’s hot out, you have muscular (fat? Maybe?) legs, and you can’t find any pants. And, you don’t want to pay an arm and a leg? That last requirement makes you SOL. Someone decided that it was okay to charge upwards of $50 for less than half a pant, and I think that person should be sent on a one-way solo vacation to Siberia.
If you want print, keep it simple. These
polka dots are sweet and non abrasive.
Does J.Crew not pay their models
enough to feed themselves?
       Gap has some shorts for less than $50, not much less than $50, but some. I haven’t tried any of
them on, so I can’t vouch for their fit. I would steer clear of any of the cutoff shorts. You can cut off your own shorts. It’s going to look sloppy whether you do it or the Gap does it. Additionally, the prints are horrendous. ALL of the Gap prints on shorts (and pants) are horrendous. Colors are easier to pull off with shorts than with pants.
            Paperboy by G1 shorts at Anthropologie are $68. This price is ridiculous. The fit, however, is excellent. I don’t remember them costing that much. I can vouch for their comfort. And Club Monaco makes a short called the Marianna City Short (currently on sale for $49), which is a nice length. It’s cuffed at the bottom and has a slightly more polished look than the G1. The widest selection appears to be at J.Crew. You can basically pick your inseam length – 3” 4” 5” 7” 9”…. Lots of colors, lots of prints. You know how I feel about the prints. Frankly, though, I’d rather look at someone’s bum covered in repeating Hawaiian sunsets than lumpy cheeks hanging out of anything. 
What does she sit on? This girl has NO ass. These shorts are
also quite ugly AND no bargain at $69.50. I just wanted
to share the Hawaiian sunsets. Thanks J.Crew.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Ronald the Fitness Pterodactyl

            It’s been a while since I’ve run into anyone strange enough that I needed to share the experience with the world. Gumbyman really set the bar pretty high. Last week, however, there was a chicken at the gym that I just can’t get out of my head. I’m going to go ahead and call this guy Ronald, because he had on bright, yellow shorts, the same color of Ronald McDonald’s clothing. He was also wearing fire engine red shoes, like Ronald’s hair.
            Even if you don’t work out, I’m sure you’re familiar with the type of person who needs to outdo everyone in his actions. It’s “The Smartest Person In the Room” in social practice. If you play an instrument and you’re playing something loud, he’s the wiener in the next room who has to play louder. If you’re putting up Christmas lights and keeping things tasteful, it’s the guy who steals your electricity to have his house visible from outer space. If you’re driving home from work, it’s the piece of garbage in the Eclipse who thinks he drives a race car, passes you on the right, cuts you off, zooms ahead of you so that he can beat you to the standstill traffic up ahead, and then revs his engine, even though he’s driving a car with an automatic transmission. Ronald is this guy – at the gym. There are a lot of Ronalds at the gym, and he’s someone most people come to expect – around the free weights and the muscles….
            On Wednesday mornings I go to a class some of you gym-goers may be familiar with. It’s called BODYPUMP™. It’s a choreographed weightlifting class. Some people are able to motivate themselves to exercise. They have that drive to just work out on their own. When I’m really angry, I can generally harness that emotion into some sort of serious work. It is not often that I am really angry on Wednesday mornings after I’ve had a cup of coffee, a chocolate chip muffin, and 9 hours of sleep. I find that having a super-fit badass yell at me and tell me to keep picking things up is much more effective at getting me to do shit. I’m clearly not alone because I see the same people in this class every Wednesday morning. I think I’m pretty strong – there are some tiny ladies in there who are even stronger than I am. Ronald was new last week.
            When I saw him standing in the back I felt sorry for him. I thought, “Wow, that poor little guy is going to feel completely emasculated by this room full of women lifting heavy shit for an hour.” It’s not an arrogant statement – it’s just that people underestimate the difficulty of the class and the strength it takes to repeat an action like a bench press continuously for 5 minutes without any breaks. Little did I know, Ronald was incapable of feeling little, despite his small stature.
            The form for doing these exercises is pretty simple. And there’s an instructor in the front telling you and showing you what to do. I would say it’s virtually idiot proof. It’s not like CrossFit where all kinds of crazy things are happening – I think if my clumsy butt tried that I’d become fast friends with my local ER doctors. Ronald was defiant. Ronald KNEW BETTER. Despite the fact that our instructor has taught thousands of these classes, Ronald was going to do his own version of these exercises.
            Thank the lord for mirrors in group-exercise rooms. And thank goodness, I know how to laugh silently. When Ronald squatted he looked like he was about to vomit into an imaginary toilet in front of him, rather than keeping his chest up and sitting into an imaginary chair. We do an exercise called a dead lift, which our fearless leader compares to “stripper pose.” Ronald would suck as a stripper. The concept of shaving the bar down as close to the body as possible was lost on him. He was dropping that bar through the porcelain goddess he visited in his squats. Bicep curls? He looked like he was trying to throw things behind his head – literally, as if you would through salt over your shoulder. My favorite though, was when he decided to do his pterodactyl impression. He was specifically told to keep his elbows and hands below his shoulders when raising the weights up in shoulder flies. I actually saw him shake his head “no,” which was followed by him throwing his arms WAY up in the air like he was trying to lift off out of the room. OH, and the best part of that was that he was doing it with 1 kg weights – the smallest ones available.
            I felt really bad for the woman who brought Ronald to the class. I felt bad that she knew this guy and had to talk to him. I’m sure he’s a real peach of a person. Who was he trying to impress? He was in a room full of women who were all secretly laughing at him and thinking he was a giant turd. I suppose it takes all kinds to make the world, but I wouldn’t mind running into less of his kind.