It's Fashion Friday!: I've Mulled It Over and Mullets Are OVER.

There's a reason this BCBG
travesty is on sale for $28.31.

           It’s not the hockey hair of the eighties that pushes my buttons. It’s not that almost-mullet-Mrs. Brady-hair-that-sort-of-gives-me-nightmares that’s making me cringe. It’s the dreaded “Mullet Skirt.” I think it became a universally accepted opinion that the mullet as a hairstyle conjured images of all things redneck and was not “chic.” So, why would you emulate that in a garment?

            I understand the practicality of having a skirt be somewhat longer in the back than in the front. Most people have more distance to cover from waist to knee in the back than the front – that whole ass thing can get in the way. Yet, that is just a calculation to be made so that the skirt is the same length in the front as in the back without daily tasks such as picking up the chocolate you dropped on the floor (which you are going to eat because it takes a good 30 seconds for germs to transfer from one surface to another) becoming R rated for those around you. I do not understand the desire to have the back of the skirt reach the Achilles tendon while the front of the skirt barely grazes the knee. Will someone please explain this to me?

Urban Outfitters Fail. 

            If anything, I would have thought that an asymmetrical skirt would have been long in the front

and short in the back. I like my calf muscles a lot better than I like my knees. “Hey look, everyone! Here are my knees and shins!” That’s what the mullet skirt says. So sexy. Low cut shirt – boobs. Daisy dukes – ass. Peep toe shoes – pedicure. KNEES?! Who wants to look at knees?! I don’t want to meet the sicko with a knee fetish. I don’t want to meet any sickos, actually, but I can only imagine what kind of weird person goes around fixating on people’s knees.
           Ugh, I just found a Vogue Daily article touting the things because so many people are wearing them on the streets. A lot of people get gum stuck in their shoes too – that doesn’t mean you should do it. The article goes so far as to call this Urban Outfitters number a "stunner." Maybe like a stun gun.  It’s the color of a Band-Aid and looks like it was cut right off the bolt at the JoAnn Fabrics.

Here's an ugly red one from Macys.
Can you just picture a small
animal or child pulling on the back?

           Really, I'm starting to think that the mullet hairstyle is a better idea than the mullet skirt. Were the designers of these skirts overtaken by the hairstyle fad? Is it like the moustache thing? There's another one I just do not understand. Why are there moustaches all over everything now? Who decided that was hip and what am I missing? It's not like people really want men to have moustaches. Most men who sport a lone moustache end up looking either like Hitler or a pedophile, and I wouldn't want to be friends with either. I can think of only one strapping fellow, by the name of Erik R. who has been moustach-ing since long before it was a thing. I'm keeping his name confidential because I don't want any vagrants bothering him trying to be his friend because he is cooler than the moustache fad. Anyways, between the random hair-trends, I've really had enough. At the risk of sounding like a Mennonite, cover your knees please. Or here, maybe this is better. Show me your calves! Just fix the damned skirt so it's the same length on both sides. You mullet skirt people look like you were in some sort of losing battle with a really agressive puppy and it's just sad. 

            

It's Fashion Friday!: Dressing For the Dogs

Pepto-pink for all occasions

           Now I know the reason that anyone watches the Westminster Dog Show is for those adorable, happy, furry friends, and certainly not for fashion. With that in mind, is there some sort of Dog Handler Ugly Suit store out there?! These people have clearly spent a pretty penny on their outfits for this event. The judges are dressed to the nines in their gowns and tuxes. If you are going to spend that much money on an outfit for a nationally televised event, you would think that the idea would be to not detract from the dog.

Even that dog sees those knees and thinks HAMBONE!

            I’m noticing a LOT of shorter than knee length pencil skirts. Since the dogs are close to the ground, this means we’re seeing a lot of ladies old knees, and calf muscles, and the dreaded cankles. I bet they didn’t think about that (DUH, doghandler ladies, DUH!). I have a dog. Clovis could never go to Westminster as he is half Labrador, half Golden. Those snotty show people are such mutt bigots. Anyway… I know from taking Clovis outside for walks and playtime that his 110 pound self can be a bit difficult to handle, and that’s not running. I can tell you for a fact that if I tried to run or prance with my dog while wearing a pencil skirt, I would land face first in the lawn and Clovis would take himself on a grand adventure.

Pencil skirts look GREAT when you push
your bum out at people's faces like that, don't they?

My mutt, Clovis

            I’m not saying these women need to wear pants suits (although that would be wise), but how about something that flares a little, or comes below the knee (so I don’t have to look at them), or actually allows you to move your legs? While I’m tearing apart the doghandler women and their poor taste, I must also say that I also do not understand the matching brightly colored skirt and jacket. If you want to be all one color, why not wear a dress? 

           If you’re going to the trouble of wearing two pieces, don’t match them. It’s like matching twinsets. And matching velveteen jogging suits. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Why Won't This Fugly Dress Stop Haunting Me?!

Dolce & Gabbana Needlepoint Lace Dress

            This dress just won’t go away. This horrible, dreadful, no good Dolce & Gabbana dress seems to be everywhere, and I can’t figure out why. It is one of the ugliest dresses I have ever seen! I have seen it on the television show Fashion Police, thanks to Emma Stone's poor decision to wear it. And I keep seeing it in magazines. UGGGGGGGGH. Can I tell you why I dislike this dress so much? Do you want to know? Too bad, if you don’t. I’m going to detail it anyway.

            Let’s start with the sleeves. These poofy elbow length sleeves are the exact same sleeves that were on the dress my mum made for my fifth grade graduation dress. I loved that dress. And it was okay for me to love those sleeves then, because I was ten. Those are little girl sleeves. Those sleeves were also on MANY of the dresses I saw in this catalog that came around Christmas and Easter time – I think it might have been called the Toy Soldier, or something along those lines. They carried matching dresses for sisters and mothers. They were quite expensive, and a lot of their dresses had a similar sleeve aesthetic. I couldn’t figure out then why my mother wouldn’t want to wear a dress just like mine! NOW I get it. Thank you, mother, for not ever dressing like a ten year old while you were in your forties. The only place where it is appropriate for grown women to wear sleeves like that is on sister-wife compounds hidden in the west in Arizona or Utah or Nevada… and that is because those women have so many other problems that sleeves are the last thing they need to be worrying about.

            When I think of the sorts of things that people needlepoint, samplers, pillows, and decorative wall-hangings come to mind. Large quantities of lace make me think of curtains. This dress is about half lace, half needlepoint. It should be in someone’s living room. In a window? Although, I certainly wouldn’t want it in my window. The needlepoint is sort of strategically placed on the dress to say, “Here are the wide parts.” And it would be difficult for a young girl to wear that much lace and not look old (or like she should, perhaps, be in a coffin). It covers the knee, so it’s business length, and there’s nothing coquettish about it.

            The pattern: oh my. My mum – she saw it and recoiled. She’s Pennsylvania Dutch, a quirky sect of German Americans with a culture that remains fairly German countryside. “It looks like a German tablecloth,” she said. To which I responded, “No German would allow that into their home.” I could see my Grandma intentionally spilling jars of pickled beet juice on this dress so that it would have to be thrown in the trash. (If you are unfamiliar with pickled beets because you do not have family hailing from Amish country or others places where they might pickle beets, they are mulberry red. They sit in mulberry red Crayola crayon colored juice that does not come out of any textile, can stain countertops, and for all intensive purposes is indelible). My mum and I then decided that this pattern is what would happen if a little Chinatown knockoff shop tried to replicate a Pennsylvania Dutch needlepoint tablerunner. So, you silly rich girls with your bad taste, go ahead and spend eleven grand on this dress and wear it out. See what happens! Forget the paint guns, I’m going to go find some pickled beets. WATCH OUT! I’m coming for you! 

It's Fashion Friday!: What Can You Do With Some Clay, A Fake Owl, And A Really Ugly Leopard Print Shirt From TJ Maxx? Let Me Show You....

Artistic Rendering of Your Average Bird
In Animal Print Pants Copyright
S Botham 2012

            Last week I visited my second favorite place to read fashion magazines – the hair salon. All of the reading must take place before styling begins, as once I sit in Omar’s chair it is time for us to chat (I won’t let anyone else touch my hair. 17 years of flawless haircuts. I followed him up and down Newbury St. and now I drive to the North Shore to get to him). I picked up the August issue of InStyle to see what kinds of suggestions they had for my wardrobe and approached it with an open mind.

3.1 Phillip Lim pants
suggested by InStyle

            I got to page 114 in a feature that was supposed to be telling me about “smart pieces” I could take from now into autumn and found myself wondering if the editors sit in an office and conspire to see how many gullible idiots they can get to dress up like clowns purely for their own entertainment. The page displays “animal-print pants…. A bit more exotic than a pair of jeans but just as easy to wear.” Since when are animal print pants easy to wear? And if they really are, then why are you showing me the clothes laid out flat instead of on actual people? Additionally the pants they picked are silk (read clingy on big girls) and tapered to a cuff at the bottom (hello 80’s parachute pants).

            I’ve generally been of the mindset that animal prints are great for accessories such as shoes, foulards, belts, etc. Full outfits of animal print should be left to the zebras and the leopards and the cheetahs. We’ve all seen those girls/guys who overdo the animal print – wear a leopard print dress with a large print and then over-accessorize with child-like headbands and fishnet stockings and espadrilles…. You look at them and shake your head and wonder if it would be a good investment to buy them a full-length mirror, just so you don’t ever have to see them looking like that again. You then remember that girl went to school for fashion design and yet still does not recognize the names of Jil Sander or Brian Atwood and realize the situation is completely hopeless. The POINT is that there is an art to evoking the sleek, breathtaking glory of the felines of the wild. You don’t just throw on some animal print pants and call it a day. Unless you want everyone and their brother having Mr. T in their head saying, “I pity the fool…..” fill in the blank with whatever you choose. The whole point of animal print in real life setting was to camouflage the animal, not to make it stand out to predators and mean girls. 

            Later on in the magazine, different approaches to denim are suggested. And of course, they have suggested some animal printed jeans. If you are tall and thin, you go right ahead and rock those feather print jeans. If you are like me, and have an ass that’s more than twice the combined width of your ankles, do yourself a favor and DON’T DO IT! Do you want to look like a triangle from behind? Yesterday I was bemoaning the fact that my shoulders are so broad. I guess this would be one way to make them look a bit thinner. If your ass looks like a feather-covered dumptruck, no one is even going to look at your shoulders.

            There was a time when I was unhealthily thin – 5’7” maybe 110 pounds. I had this wacky pair of Diane von Furstenburg jeans that were a purple base with a dark jewel tone print of circles and squiggly lines. I could wear those then. I couldn’t even allow one leg to wear them now. Things change. Bodies change. Get over it. Accept reality as it is right now. Mr. T wouldn’t want you to have animal-print-dumptruck butt, even if the editors of InStyle do.  

Contact me directly for more creepy photos of owls in leopard pants.

It's Fashion Friday!: Delusions of Youth

Woman, you're 50. Cover your
crotch. No one wants to see it,
especially your teenage daughter.

            It’s almost 9 o’clock and it’s still light outside (yes, I often write my blog posts the night before). Extra light is one of the many blessings of summer …. UNLESS you are in the presence of old women dressed in prostitute worthy clothing. Then many of us find ourselves wishing we were in the Arctic Circle in December. To quote the t shirt of the easily 400 pound woman I saw outside PetSmart today, "It's better in the dark." I don’t know what it is about summer that brings out the worst in age inappropriate dressing. Since the fashion houses are now showing off their fall lines and the thought of even talking about wool sweaters makes me sweat bullets, it seemed like an appropriate time to address this fashion-related disease.

            I call it a disease because I truly believe that age inappropriate dressing stems from a combination of a narcissistic personality disorder and EXTREME state of delusion. It can be visible as early as mid-twenties, but this disease really runs rampant during the forties and upward. An older friend of mine was talking about a dating event she was attending, and we discussed the suggested “cocktail” attire. We jokingly anticipated that many women would be dressed with their saggy cleavage out and their lumps happily hugged by inorganic textiles. We also anticipated that these women would attract the infected males, dressed with half buttoned shirts and flashy necklaces. I’m not sure if the delusion is that saggy boobs and wrinkly cleavage are hot, or if it’s that the offenders don’t believe that their boobs are saggy and wrinkly, despite the fact their skin has more ridges than the San Andreas fault line. Frankly, I don’t care.

            I think if I could invent some sort of cleavage flat iron, I’d be a millionaire. If these women (and men… there are also saggy boobed men showing off their figures… have you seen David Hasselhoff in the Cumberland Farms iced coffee commercial?) were only hurting themselves, this would be a non-issue. They are scarring and blinding millions of people. It’s not just the Chernobyl level toxic cleavage. What’s up with the body-hugging cuts? If you’re past your childbearing years and are carrying a little extra junk in your front trunk, do you really want to wear a t-shirt or other shirt that makes you look pregnant?

            I really want to help the afflicted older people with their wardrobe choices, so I thought the best way would be a question answer quiz. Here we go.

1.     Can you comfortably get a hand in-between your shirt fabric and your skin?

A.     If yes, continue.

B.     If no, it’s too small. Take it off and put it in the Goodwill box.

2.     Does your shirt comfortably make it down past your bellybutton and the top of your pants?

A.     If yes, continue.

B.     If no, what are you, five? It is not acceptable to show your midriff at any age! The only time it’s okay is if you’re a child playing quite actively on a jungle gym or if you are at the beach in a bikini.

3.     It’s okay to show a little cleavage, but not ALL of it. If you are wearing a low cut shirt and you dropped some food out of your mouth, would it actually get lost down under?

A.     If no, good job! You’re probably tastefully covered.

B.     If yes, you’re probably dressed like a porn star. Put on a camisole.

4.     When you put your jeans on, are they shaped like a water tower, cylinder down the legs, wide wide wide bubble at the top?

A.     If no, continue, but you’re not off the hook yet.

B.     If yes, get those things off. Your pants should be the width of the widest part they cover. If you have a fat tire tummy, you should probably be wearing a wide leg.

5.     What color are your pants? Could they match anything in the Skittles rainbow?

A.     If yes, and you are under 40, we are okay.

B.     If yes, and you are over 40, most people are going to think that you’re trying really hard to look cool and be saddened. Think Betsey Johnson. Have you seen her lately?

6.     If you are wearing a skirt, hold your arms straight down. The bottom of your skirt had better be at least as low on your leg as the edge of your fingers.

A.     If it is not, it is too short. No exceptions. Remember, your front is flat (relatively). Your back is not. Short skirts will ride up in the back, especially if they’re not cut well. Guess what happens when you bend over! (This is actually applicable at any age.)

B.     If it is, you’ve hit the minimum. Be careful!

7.     Let’s go back to the pants. When you bend over, do you feel a breeze?

A.     No? Great!

B.     Yes? You’re dressing like your refrigerator repairman. Pretty.

In general, if you are over the age of thirty and don't have serious styling skills, you should not be shopping at Delia’s, Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Aeropostale, The Disney Store, Arden B, Free People, Urban Outfitters, Wet Seal, Rave, or Forever 21. I hope this helps. Did I leave anything out? If you’re one of the people suffering from age inaproppriate dressing disorder, and you read this, and you think “She’s just jealous! I look hot!” then you are much worse off than I can assist, and you’re really going to need to get professional help. If you're lucky, your loved ones have already contacted What Not To Wear or someone else who will stage an intervention. I’m pretty sure everything here can be applied to men as well. If you think I have missed anything, let’s hear it!