|Woman, you're 50. Cover your|
crotch. No one wants to see it,
especially your teenage daughter.
It’s almost 9 o’clock and it’s still light outside (yes, I often write my blog posts the night before). Extra light is one of the many blessings of summer …. UNLESS you are in the presence of old women dressed in prostitute worthy clothing. Then many of us find ourselves wishing we were in the Arctic Circle in December. To quote the t shirt of the easily 400 pound woman I saw outside PetSmart today, "It's better in the dark." I don’t know what it is about summer that brings out the worst in age inappropriate dressing. Since the fashion houses are now showing off their fall lines and the thought of even talking about wool sweaters makes me sweat bullets, it seemed like an appropriate time to address this fashion-related disease.
I call it a disease because I truly believe that age inappropriate dressing stems from a combination of a narcissistic personality disorder and EXTREME state of delusion. It can be visible as early as mid-twenties, but this disease really runs rampant during the forties and upward. An older friend of mine was talking about a dating event she was attending, and we discussed the suggested “cocktail” attire. We jokingly anticipated that many women would be dressed with their saggy cleavage out and their lumps happily hugged by inorganic textiles. We also anticipated that these women would attract the infected males, dressed with half buttoned shirts and flashy necklaces. I’m not sure if the delusion is that saggy boobs and wrinkly cleavage are hot, or if it’s that the offenders don’t believe that their boobs are saggy and wrinkly, despite the fact their skin has more ridges than the San Andreas fault line. Frankly, I don’t care.
I think if I could invent some sort of cleavage flat iron, I’d be a millionaire. If these women (and men… there are also saggy boobed men showing off their figures… have you seen David Hasselhoff in the Cumberland Farms iced coffee commercial?) were only hurting themselves, this would be a non-issue. They are scarring and blinding millions of people. It’s not just the Chernobyl level toxic cleavage. What’s up with the body-hugging cuts? If you’re past your childbearing years and are carrying a little extra junk in your front trunk, do you really want to wear a t-shirt or other shirt that makes you look pregnant?
I really want to help the afflicted older people with their wardrobe choices, so I thought the best way would be a question answer quiz. Here we go.
1. Can you comfortably get a hand in-between your shirt fabric and your skin?
A. If yes, continue.
B. If no, it’s too small. Take it off and put it in the Goodwill box.
2. Does your shirt comfortably make it down past your bellybutton and the top of your pants?
A. If yes, continue.
B. If no, what are you, five? It is not acceptable to show your midriff at any age! The only time it’s okay is if you’re a child playing quite actively on a jungle gym or if you are at the beach in a bikini.
3. It’s okay to show a little cleavage, but not ALL of it. If you are wearing a low cut shirt and you dropped some food out of your mouth, would it actually get lost down under?
A. If no, good job! You’re probably tastefully covered.
B. If yes, you’re probably dressed like a porn star. Put on a camisole.
4. When you put your jeans on, are they shaped like a water tower, cylinder down the legs, wide wide wide bubble at the top?
A. If no, continue, but you’re not off the hook yet.
B. If yes, get those things off. Your pants should be the width of the widest part they cover. If you have a fat tire tummy, you should probably be wearing a wide leg.
5. What color are your pants? Could they match anything in the Skittles rainbow?
A. If yes, and you are under 40, we are okay.
B. If yes, and you are over 40, most people are going to think that you’re trying really hard to look cool and be saddened. Think Betsey Johnson. Have you seen her lately?
6. If you are wearing a skirt, hold your arms straight down. The bottom of your skirt had better be at least as low on your leg as the edge of your fingers.
A. If it is not, it is too short. No exceptions. Remember, your front is flat (relatively). Your back is not. Short skirts will ride up in the back, especially if they’re not cut well. Guess what happens when you bend over! (This is actually applicable at any age.)
B. If it is, you’ve hit the minimum. Be careful!
7. Let’s go back to the pants. When you bend over, do you feel a breeze?
A. No? Great!
B. Yes? You’re dressing like your refrigerator repairman. Pretty.
In general, if you are over the age of thirty and don't have serious styling skills, you should not be shopping at Delia’s, Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, Aeropostale, The Disney Store, Arden B, Free People, Urban Outfitters, Wet Seal, Rave, or Forever 21. I hope this helps. Did I leave anything out? If you’re one of the people suffering from age inaproppriate dressing disorder, and you read this, and you think “She’s just jealous! I look hot!” then you are much worse off than I can assist, and you’re really going to need to get professional help. If you're lucky, your loved ones have already contacted What Not To Wear or someone else who will stage an intervention. I’m pretty sure everything here can be applied to men as well. If you think I have missed anything, let’s hear it!