Friday, August 23, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: I've Mulled It Over and Mullets Are OVER.

There's a reason this BCBG
travesty is on sale for $28.31.

           It’s not the hockey hair of the eighties that pushes my buttons. It’s not that almost-mullet-Mrs. Brady-hair-that-sort-of-gives-me-nightmares that’s making me cringe. It’s the dreaded “Mullet Skirt.” I think it became a universally accepted opinion that the mullet as a hairstyle conjured images of all things redneck and was not “chic.” So, why would you emulate that in a garment?
            I understand the practicality of having a skirt be somewhat longer in the back than in the front. Most people have more distance to cover from waist to knee in the back than the front – that whole ass thing can get in the way. Yet, that is just a calculation to be made so that the skirt is the same length in the front as in the back without daily tasks such as picking up the chocolate you dropped on the floor (which you are going to eat because it takes a good 30 seconds for germs to transfer from one surface to another) becoming R rated for those around you. I do not understand the desire to have the back of the skirt reach the Achilles tendon while the front of the skirt barely grazes the knee. Will someone please explain this to me?
Urban Outfitters Fail. 
            If anything, I would have thought that an asymmetrical skirt would have been long in the front
and short in the back. I like my calf muscles a lot better than I like my knees. “Hey look, everyone! Here are my knees and shins!” That’s what the mullet skirt says. So sexy. Low cut shirt – boobs. Daisy dukes – ass. Peep toe shoes – pedicure. KNEES?! Who wants to look at knees?! I don’t want to meet the sicko with a knee fetish. I don’t want to meet any sickos, actually, but I can only imagine what kind of weird person goes around fixating on people’s knees.
           Ugh, I just found a Vogue Daily article touting the things because so many people are wearing them on the streets. A lot of people get gum stuck in their shoes too – that doesn’t mean you should do it. The article goes so far as to call this Urban Outfitters number a "stunner." Maybe like a stun gun.  It’s the color of a Band-Aid and looks like it was cut right off the bolt at the JoAnn Fabrics.
Here's an ugly red one from Macys.
Can you just picture a small
animal or child pulling on the back?
           Really, I'm starting to think that the mullet hairstyle is a better idea than the mullet skirt. Were the designers of these skirts overtaken by the hairstyle fad? Is it like the moustache thing? There's another one I just do not understand. Why are there moustaches all over everything now? Who decided that was hip and what am I missing? It's not like people really want men to have moustaches. Most men who sport a lone moustache end up looking either like Hitler or a pedophile, and I wouldn't want to be friends with either. I can think of only one strapping fellow, by the name of Erik R. who has been moustach-ing since long before it was a thing. I'm keeping his name confidential because I don't want any vagrants bothering him trying to be his friend because he is cooler than the moustache fad. Anyways, between the random hair-trends, I've really had enough. At the risk of sounding like a Mennonite, cover your knees please. Or here, maybe this is better. Show me your calves! Just fix the damned skirt so it's the same length on both sides. You mullet skirt people look like you were in some sort of losing battle with a really agressive puppy and it's just sad. 

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