It's Fashion Friday!: Thank Heavens For Sweatpants

           I used to dress up when I traveled. I’m a firm believer that people judge you by what you look like. Granted, this is not something I support – it’s just an unfortunate reality of the superficial human race. If you’ve ever attempted to travel with an instrument, or any other strangely shaped, large, valuable object, you know that flight attendants and gate personnel can be *ahem* difficult (and that is perhaps a generous adverb). My experience was that if I was flying first class or was dressed as professional as possible (looked like I had money, was a frequent flyer, or someone who might complain in a way that might end in them losing their job), I would be treated with more respect and would likely end up with my instrument safely in the cabin.

            International flights are just TOO long to be worrying about looking nice. Comfort is infinitely more important when it is likely you will be jammed between two people who refuse to allow you to use either of your arm rests for six+ hours. It is times like these when I would like to go on a personal quest to find the soul who decided to remove the elastic from the bottom hems of sweat pants to give a tailored look to the world’s most comfortable fabrics and laud them with kisses and puppies. Tailored sweatpants might just be one of the greatest inventions since the light bulb.

            My friend Janet had requested that I do a write up on cashmere hoodies after last week’s high-end t-shirt teardown. While cashmere hoodies may be the height of frivolity, they are the ultimate luxury when it comes to comfort. With tailored sweatpants, fleece jackets, and dresses crafted of like textiles, anyone can be close to that comfortable without the hefty price tag. Well, unless you decided to buy your comfy clothes at Lululemon.

            I am absolutely DA-ROOLING over this HELMUT by Helmut Lang jacket. It’s $195, so I won’t own it unless I win the lottery or find another job. Nordstrom also carries it in a putty color, which I think is great for fall. A more affordable option (less than half $) would be this similar asymmetrical zip Puma version, which is not as bulky as it looks on the model, and also has a collar that can be flipped up in the back. I’m not going to lie, my mom recently bought this jacket for me as a gift and I’m in love with it. The picture doesn’t do it justice. I’d take a picture of it on myself, but that requires too much effort at this time.        

           The Gap has this lovely French terry dress right now. It’s singing a tune of $49.95, and looks ultra comfortable. It’s not exciting to look at, but that’s not really the point. It could easily be dressed up with belts, shoes, jewelry, scarves, etc. if you really feel the need to stand out in your sweatshirt. The Gap is advertising “Sweatshirt Chic” right now, but sadly do not have any tailored sweatpants. Granted, it is a lot easier to find sweatpants when the weather is cold. Do not misunderstand, nothing that you buy at Victoria’s Secret that has writing on the butt qualifies as tailored sweatpants. Generally for something to qualify as a tailored sweatpant in my book it must have a generous visible hem at the bottom, pockets, and be cut like a normal pair of pants (preferably wide leg). 

           I can’t find anything for sale fitting my stringent requirements, but something close is the EverydayPant from Lucy - $79. If you happen to not be familiar with Lucy, I LOVE LUCY (HA)! They are the American equivalent of Lululemon, but they have sales – ACTUAL sales (i.e. more than $5 off on an $80 product). Another outstanding tip I wish to offer, come winter season clearance sales, are the Neiman Marcus clearance racks in the loungewear sections. Neiman Marcus has an in house brand of “relaxed” wear – what they would consider jogging suits. It’s a joke, really, their designers have clearly never watched anyone jog. Last year I found black cargo sweatpants and a lovely ivory ruched sweatshirt cardigan.

Yes she is wearing a visor. Tennis anyone?

           So, by the time you read this, I will be in Zurich, drinking delicious coffee. I will have worn wide-leg Lululemon yoga pants (most likely), a comfy cowl neck sweatshirt, and Puma ballet flats for my flight. (I realize it is still summer, but transatlantic flights can be awfully chilly, and I am poor so there might not be blankets). I most definitely will not have worn THIS GETUP that I found in the Net-a-porter weekly mag this morning. I am quite certain that if anyone were to show up at the airport looking like this they would quickly find themselves on the do not fly list. Don’t you agree?

It's Fashion Friday!: Shall I Wear My Jacket On My Legs?

            I get a whole conflagration of junk mail from department stores and various fashion brands. It’s a wonder there aren’t flames constantly shooting out the orifices of my laptop. I used to tolerate it as “education” for my day-jobs in fashion retail: information on competitors, information for clients, and information to earn the trust of clients – all valuable. Now these emails serve to remind me of how poor I am, how remarkably disinterested I am in the superficial/narcissistic side of fashion, and how completely idiotic retail marketing can be.

            On Tuesday I got one of my multiple-a-day emails from Neiman Marcus, which I usually don’t mind, as their buyers have really been impressing me as of late. This one was going to take me to one of their online styling editorials: “WAYS TO WEAR: the jacket.” Hmmmmmm. Now that’s a tough one. The elusive jacket. How does one wear a jacket? When one finds one’s self a wee bit chilly, perhaps chillier than a sweater can repair, one may reach into one’s wardrobe, pull out a jacket to put on, and protect one’s fragile self from icy air.

Come on, dumbass, when it’s cold, you put a jacket on. If you’re warm, you take it off. Does that really need instructions? Have we become so dippy-brained that seeing an email like this is not offensive to our intellect? There is a fine line between dressing well and carrying yourself well out of pride and respect for others around you and complete and total NARCISSISM. This sort of email plays into the narcissism side. “Let me show you how to wear these jackets we sell so YOU can think YOU look better than EVERYONE else.” That is what NM is really trying to say. And it’s likely that you’ve bought into it. Sad.

Trina Turk Talia Printed Pants $218

            While I get in my LAST punch about this promotion by telling you the model in it looks like she has fewer brains than a French cruller and the Trina Turk pants they pair with a double breasted military-esque coat might be some of the most ungodly, hideous threads I have ever seen (whoops that was two barbs), I will excuse my negativity by saying there is a lot of nasty stuff going on in the world right now. It is difficult to see the women of Tunisia looking at possibly taking a step backwards in their right to equality and not balk at “WAYS TO WEAR: the jacket.” At the same time, without the levity provided by occasionally sinking into the superficial, I think we might all explode with sadness.

            In the spirit of dressing well for pride and propriety’s sake (rather than narcissism’s), let’s explore the joys of jackets. I don’t particularly like the Smythe jackets from the Neiman Marcus promo, but in general, I am an outerwear hoarder. I would like to believe that the primary cause of this tendency is that I am always cold and not that I have a psychological issue. My jackets get a lot of indoor wear. If you’re rolling in cash and closet space, by all means, get a jacket to suit your every whim. If you are normal, on the other hand, it’s nice to get a mid-weight jacket for fall. Ideally, this is something heavier weight than a cardigan, but not so thick that you couldn’t layer another coat over it in the peak of arctic freeze. Think North Face fleece. And to maximize the wear (I’m thinking through multiple years), pick a neutral color, no print: taupe, dark camel, grey, brown, or black, (perhaps military green or navy). The first three, of course, are preferable because they could be worn with black or brown.

            I am now going to resist the urge to suggest a bunch of thousand dollar Helmut Lang and Allsaints Spitalfields leather jackets (see, most of us have a hard time with practical).

Patched Surplus Jacket from Anthropologie $138

I’m not completely sold on the patchwork idea of this jacket, but I like the neutral colors. I also like that the sleeves roll up and button (practical!). Trenches are nice because you can always take that belt and tie it behind you, giving you a waist and a breeze. I could also envision buying this a bit on the larger size so I could wear a hoodie underneath it to dress it down and keep a little warmer. The belt could also be replaced with a ribbon for variety or color.

Suit Jacket from Mango $79.99

This is a great basic suit jacket for any wardrobe. Nothing outside the box about this one. Dress it up, dress it down, layer it under or over. I’m not sure what else to say. 

Motor Style Suede Jacket  From Mango $179.99

Moto jackets can have a tendency to look rough and rugged, but the brass findings along with the nice camel shade of this jacket really soften the look. The darts in the back will give it nice tailored lines, and I also like that it doesn’t appear to be cropped. Cropped jackets go in and out of style and can often be a nuisance if you really are wanting some warmth out of them.

                                                                                             

Jacket with Metallic Buttons from Zara $129

I also don’t mind this navy jacket that could double a blazer, from Zara. The buttons and collar give it a nod to the military feel and it's simple enough not to interfere with anything. It could easily be dressed up with a silk scarf. 

Now THIS.  You MUST buy this.

Lipslide Jacket from Miss Sixty $173

You can’t believe I’m serious…. People will confuse you for a birthday cake. 

It's Fashion Friday!: Pimp Slippers - Like Men With Robes Wear

Prada Fall 2012 at Saks Fifth Avenue

            My little (6’0 tall) brother has been anticipating fashion trends for decades. Mixing prints at age 7 (albeit, different plaids that perhaps shouldn’t have been mixed), sporting designer denim before most people even knew there was such a thing (he was even responsible for my introduction), wearing fur trimmed puffer coats before ghetto fabulous was even a concept (he borrowed them from little Japanese girls at Juilliard)… He wore orange and grey color blocked Miu Miu dress shoes to my Bitcho aunt’s wedding a few years back. Yes, he’s straight, and it’s never contrived, just one of his many loveable quirks. Not much surprises me when it comes to my brother, but he really threw my mom and I for a loop this past Christmas.

            When asked what he wanted as a gift his response was “Pimp slippers. You know… like men with robes wear.” Of course, my mom and I both immediately started thinking, “What the hell are pimp slippers?” It wasn’t until Tuesday afternoon when the Saks Fifth Avenue “Prada 2012 Fall Collection” email arrived in my inbox that I think I figured out, “Perhaps this is more along the lines of what he meant than the memory foam ones I picked out (that ended up being too small anyway).” Good thing I got him a robe.

            Apparently, pimp slippers are a big pre-fall trend. Who knew? I must admit, I have not been doing my fashion blogger homework lately. The weather’s been too nice to spend all my time at the computer. It’s gardening season, folks! I have petunias to deadhead. And ever since the Border’s Lending Library closed, I’m not reading quite as many fashion magazines. (Barnes and Noble just does not have the same feel!) I’m certainly not going to pay for them, given how pithy the writing is, and how often the clothes they choose to showcase are horribly ugly. In short, this email surprised me. Not only were the above examples pretty ugly (and I love Prada!), I can’t figure out how they have anything to do with the badass brightly colored wax dipped superheels that Prada exhibited in their FW2012 runway show.

            They aren’t all so bad though! There’s this lovely black sequin adorned pair that I think would be quite smart under a black pants suit (my musician/CPA brain is trying to figure out how I could legally acquire them and write them off as a business expense for tax purposes). The Miu Miu version, however, with the bow and the jewel studded heel is a bit more up my alley. They have patent at Saks and suede (in red) at Neimans.

            As with any trend, I’m sure there will be plenty of cheaper knock off versions to quell the masses. So, for those of you out there who are buying shoes just to look like everyone else and not because you actually really like them, the cheaper version is probably the way to go. I don’t anticipate this trend lasting very long. I will tell you right now, the thing that’s going to differentiate between the pimp slipper that “works” and the pimp slipper that doesn’t is the length of the tongue of the shoe. You’re going to want it to come up higher on the foot, otherwise it’s going to look like you stole your Grandma’s slippers from the nursing home (you ungrateful little turd!). For example, Prada slipper (left) YES. Manolo slipper (right) NO. Although, honestly, I don’t like either of them.

        Sadly, dear brother, I don’t see anything similar in men’s sizes. And even if I did, the ones I could afford to buy for you would be the ones I found at a yard sale and re-pimped the shit out of with supplies I purchased at Michael’s craft store. But if that’s what you really want, I will do that for you, because I love you THAT much.

Since it IS Fashion Friday, and I was a little hard on Prada this week, I would like to share with you this lovely short, featuring Ben Kingsley and Helen Bonham Carter, that Roman Polanski did for the beloved brand. Just click on the text below. Have a good weekend!

PRADA presentsMay 21, 2012. Prada presents 'A Therapy', film directed by Roman Polanski, premiered at the 2012 Cannes Film Festival.