It's Fashion Friday!: Focus! You Need Shorts!

           Have you ever noticed that clothes just aren’t made for ladies with excellent posture? No, really. I dare you to pick out a dress you like in a store in the size you think should fit the best, go in the fitting room, and put it on. Now stand up straight, roll your shoulders back, and look at how crappy the back of whatever you put on is now laying across your back. What is up with that?! You know what else I am discovering is an issue? They don’t make pants for thin girls with strong legs. Or maybe they just don’t make designer pants for thin girls with quadriceps muscles. I have discovered this problem because my current ass and legs don’t fit into the collection of spring and summer pants that I own. I think that maybe they didn’t fit very well last summer and my financial situation just forced me to live in denial. This year, however, “not very well” has morphed into “won’t zip a millimeter,” so denial would lead to some sort of public indecency citation.

Marianna City Short

Paperboy by G1

            All of these cropped pants, capri pants, even the long pants, are SO TIGHT through the thighs. Some of them might stretch. Some of them are probably meant to stretch. Some of them feel more like they’re going to rip. Whatever the issue is, I have completely given up on finding lightweight cropped pants that fit my stylistic requirements and my legs. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m moving on to shorts. I used to hate wearing shorts! The great thing about shorts, however, is they do not constrict your legs. They give your legs complete freedom. And, it’s really hot outside already. So, I guess I won’t even need spring pants.

            Shopping for shorts is really an entertaining treat. I don’t know how it happens, but everywhere you go they manage to mix children’s shorts in with the women’s shorts. It’s so confusing. I don’t know how you’re supposed to figure out what sizes to try on when they have things so outrageously mislabeled. Do you know what I’m talking about? You’re just wading through the racks, and you pick up shorts that look like all the rest, and you see the tiny inseam and know that they would never in a million years cover any semblance of a behind, and think, “oh these must be for my 6 year old friend Rose so we can match.” 

            And then some 16-year-old girl carrying a Coach handbag you know she didn’t pay for will

PLEASE, don't buy these. It looks like
some sort of park bench ladybug massacre. Gap $49.95.

push you out of the way, pick up those tiny shorts, and go try them on and you find yourself flooded with a deluge of thoughts including “What a rude little tramp, Who bought her that $300 handbag?!, Those aren’t going to cover her ass cheeks, Is something wrong with the world or am I just getting old?” Well, I want to assure you that there IS something wrong with the world. That teenager should not have a $300 handbag. She should definitely not be letting her ass hang out. And her parents SUCK for allowing the prior two things to happen. None of those things, however, are your problem. Your problem is that it’s hot out, you have muscular (fat? Maybe?) legs, and you can’t find any pants. And, you don’t want to pay an arm and a leg? That last requirement makes you SOL. Someone decided that it was okay to charge upwards of $50 for less than half a pant, and I think that person should be sent on a one-way solo vacation to Siberia.

     

If you want print, keep it simple. These
polka dots are sweet and non abrasive.
Does J.Crew not pay their models
enough to feed themselves?

       Gap has some shorts for less than $50, not much less than $50, but some. I haven’t tried any of
them on, so I can’t vouch for their fit. I would steer clear of any of the cutoff shorts. You can cut off your own shorts. It’s going to look sloppy whether you do it or the Gap does it. Additionally, the prints are horrendous. ALL of the Gap prints on shorts (and pants) are horrendous. Colors are easier to pull off with shorts than with pants.

            Paperboy by G1 shorts at Anthropologie are $68. This price is ridiculous. The fit, however, is excellent. I don’t remember them costing that much. I can vouch for their comfort. And Club Monaco makes a short called the Marianna City Short (currently on sale for $49), which is a nice length. It’s cuffed at the bottom and has a slightly more polished look than the G1. The widest selection appears to be at J.Crew. You can basically pick your inseam length – 3” 4” 5” 7” 9”…. Lots of colors, lots of prints. You know how I feel about the prints. Frankly, though, I’d rather look at someone’s bum covered in repeating Hawaiian sunsets than lumpy cheeks hanging out of anything. 

What does she sit on? This girl has NO ass. These shorts are
also quite ugly AND no bargain at $69.50. I just wanted
to share the Hawaiian sunsets. Thanks J.Crew.

It's Fashion Friday!: Take Me To Your Cleaner

Washing Machines on the street in Utrecht

           NASA has robots roaming Mars. There are scientists who think they may have found the lost city of Atlantis by using fancy tools to look at the gases underneath the soil in Spain. And even before all of this technology, ancient civilizations figured out how to predict all kinds of things using the stars and planets. So, WHY can’t all of my clothes be washed in the washing machine and tossed in the dryer?

            I don’t feel that these are complicated or out of line requests. Wash, dry. I find that doing laundry has become SUCH a production. I have my gym clothes, EASY. Wash cold, tumble dry low (THANK YOU, Lululemon and other brands who I just don’t care to follow the instructions). And then I generally have one load of wash warm, tumble dry low. And then things start to get complicated. I have all of this stuff that can’t just be cleaned. I have pajamas (!) that can’t go in the dryer. I have undergarments that can’t go in the dryer. I have sweaters that can’t go in the dryer. I have concert attire that can’t go in the dryer. I have all kinds of crap from Anthropologie that can’t go in the dryer – they should change their name to Anthropo-line-dry. Hell, half of it isn't even supposed to go in the washing machine, but I don't have time for HAND WASHING. That stuff tends to sit at the bottom of my hamper until I feel like dealing with hang dry, line dry, tripping over the drying rack (months). PAJAMAS that you can’t dry. That’s just not practical. And of course, I never thought to look at the labels before I got them home. This doesn’t even include all of the things that can’t go in the dryer because I have dribbled food on them and have to wash them multiple times to make sure I’ve gotten the stains out before I stick the garment in the dryer and permanently cook the stain into the clothing.

            THEN there’s the dry cleaning. I have literally had things that didn’t get worn for an entire year because I didn’t want to pay to get them dry-cleaned. WHO can afford dry cleaning? These highway robbers don’t even publish their price lists anywhere online. It’s like $15, at least, to get a dress cleaned. $9 for a women’s shirt. And it costs more to have a women’s dress shirt cleaned than a men’s dress shirt. What’s that all about? You can’t fool them either. I think that’s why men’s and women’s shirts button on the opposite sides, JUST so the dry cleaners know how much to charge. I once had a small silk scarf cleaned. $6!!! And good heavens, we had to have the velvet quilt on my bed dry-cleaned after an unfortunate Dozer-the-cat-accidentally-got-stuck-in-my-room-without-litter-box-and-got-scared-until-shitless incident over the summer. That cost a fortune.

So, you can imagine how much dry-cleaning piles up if I can’t even bring myself to wash things I can’t stick in the dryer. A few months back I got a coupon to Zoots where I could get every item cleaned for $2.50. I really took them to the cleaners with that one. I think I had 50 things cleaned in one lump. It’s also gotten to the point that I just don’t wear the things I know I won’t be able to wash. Since then, I’ve made a pact with myself to try not to buy any more clothing that can’t go in the washing machine. And if it’s something that’s going to be washed a lot, it needs to be dryer friendly too. Supposedly, there is a difference between things that say Dry Clean and “Dry Clean Only.” As in, if there's no "only" it's just a suggestion. I have yet to test it out. I’ve heard that Dryel stuff doesn’t work so great. People wore wool sweaters long before dry-cleaners existed though, so there must be a way around this nonsense.

Built in textured cleaning machine. 

Maybe there’s a way I could employ my cat to help with cleaning. He seems to stay quite shiny, soft, and odorless without ever coming in contact with any kind of soap or running water. It’s like a natural dry-cleaning of sorts. And he has so much down time – I’m watching him sleep as I write this. If I could only train him to just lick all of my clothing clean, it would save me so much effort and money. Since he seems to want to eat pretty much anything and everything, he’d probably be pretty great with those pesky food stains too….

It's Fashion Friday!:When It's Snowing, Think Penguins

            First of all, WHAT in the name of all that is holy is THAT? Nordstrom sent that lovely image to me this week in an effort to try and woo me to their website. Does anyone know what they’re doing there? Anybody? I’m lost.

PATTERN VOMIT.

            It makes me think how lovely and classic the use of color void is: black and white. It’s difficult to go wrong with black and white. No, I take that back. It is very easy to find yourself looking like an escaped convict from a Coen Brothers’ film with the wrong mix of contrasting colored prints. Played well, however, it can be fun or even unspeakably elegant. These colors also look good on everyone, except maybe Big Bird.

            I’m not interested in spending a lot of money on apparel right now, or even looking at things in that price range, so I don’t think we’ll be traversing the unspeakably elegant road. Tomorrow is also going to be a wicked snow stahm day here in New England so all I can even think about right now are pajamas, sweat pants, blankets, beer, and brownies. Fun and comfort it is!

Anchors away.

            Who doesn’t love a good graphic tee? I particularly like this one from All Saints. It is a bit steep at $68, however, the thing I LOVE about All Saints tees is that they are LONG. So for someone like myself, who is tall and can’t stand shirts that don’t come down over the top of my pants since I feel that they make me look like a hick from a not-classy trailer park (not all trailer parks are trashy, fyi) or a pregnant teenager, they are just the perfect match. And THIS ONE has an anchor on it. Anchors are cool. They are big and heavy and when they fall to the bottom of the ocean they grow barnacles, right? Barnacles. 

Hoodie Dress Nightgown?

            Longer than a tee…. Look at this. Does this look comfortable or what? A black and white striped hooded dress/tunic. I think you could wear this as a dress, or over leggings, or over jeans. $78 AND machine washable are both pretty reasonable for something from Anthropologie. I probably wouldn’t wear poo brown shoes with this like the model has been styled with. If you wanted fun you could pop a colored ballet flat in there, if you wanted more modest, black of course. It’s also gathered at the waist. That’s a big plus for all body types. If you want to accentuate the waist, it could be belted. 

These long stripes will make you
look long.

            Since I seem to be moving by length, I shall continue to an even longer dress. This is more of a washed out black and the designer is calling it “bark.” It meets the comfortable appearance requirement, but I also think it’s going to be a flattering, classy fit. It’s smartly constructed with a few horizontal panels, which, in theory, should keep the dress from hugging anything you’d like to hide. At $150 you’re paying for the name “Velvet by Graham & Spencer.” You’re also paying for something that was made in the United States and should be decent quality. I have yet to have a complaint about any item of Velvet apparel I have owned, except those of sadness from my wearing them out. 

I don't know why this girl is
wearing leather shorts.

            Then every girl should have some sort of black/white tweedy speckled Chanel like jacket in their wardrobe. Should is a great word. It’s sort of like a wish. I definitely do not have the aforementioned article. This blazer by Maison Scotch is nice because it really sits heavily in the grey zone. It has a very lady-like neckline, which is a treat in a blazer. $109.99 seems a reasonable price for a jacket, but I know nothing of this brand. I love jackets and hate shopping for them. If people were shaped like refrigerators, jackets would be easy to shop for. That seems to be how the inexpensive ones are fitted.

            I can’t end this entry without showing you the shoe that inspired it. This Alice & Olivia “Dina” pump wants to come home to live with me. I haven’t had it on my foot yet….but ooooh I know they’d look good.  

Special Sunday Edition!: Don't Do Drugs At Work

$798 for a croquet set? No wonder
the Queen of Hearts used Flamingos
and Hedgehogs. 

           I am proud to say I live in one of the states where it is almost legal to smoke marijuana. Massachusetts legalized medical marijuana at this most recent election. I don’t actually partake in this activity, but being one of those wacky libertarian types, I’m all for legalizing all the drugs. So YAY Massachusetts. I’m not sure if medical marijuana is legal in Pennsylvania. I’m pretty sure there aren’t any other recreational non-prescription drugs legal in Pennsylvania. This leads me to the obvious question, “What on earth are the buyers at Anthropologie smoking for breakfast?”

            For once, I am actually not referring to their apparel, while I’m sure they have some really outstanding “My blind Grandma who thinks it’s still 1976 wouldn’t even wear that” sweaters, as they manage to find every winter. (Don’t be fooled, they have nice things too. If you frequently shop at this store, however, or – ahem – used to have to hide these sweaters in weird places around the store to make room for actually sellable merchandise, you know what I’m talking about). At this moment I would like to direct you to their special “Gadgets & Gear” section under the "gifts" heading on their website.

            I think I would call it something else. Perhaps, “If Boy Scouts Styled Your Home,” “Wood Shop For Apple,” “Artistic Looking Audio Equipment For People Who Don’t Care About Sound,” or “Really Expensive Stuff I Could Have Made With Refuse From My Backyard, A Saw, And Some Sandpaper.” Now there are a few affordable things on this page. And by affordable, I’m referring to the $30 wooden Lego knockoffs and the $36 calculator that appears to have bamboo glued to it.

Yellow Meatloaf Speaker

Ce n'est pas un haut-parleur.
(This is not a speaker). 

            They have lots of audio equipment! I’m an audiophile. What is that, you may ask? The MP3 makes me cringe. I want an LP on a turntable, hooked into an amp, paired with a set of warm sounding speakers, with a full range of sound from low Hz to high Hz, all wired with speaker wire I cut myself. Some people want HDTV. I want good sounds. I can’t afford them. Good audio equipment is expensive, BUT it’s not as expensive as the stuff that Anthro’s peddling! They have three speaker options for you. There’s a $128 fake wood, oh sorry, “faux bois” speaker that looks like a badly molded spray painted meatloaf. 

For $400-$600 you could have some “Gallery Speakers” by Mikal Hameed. 

There’s no way these sound good – there aren’t enough cables coming out of the back of them. Also, Mikal Hameed is an artist who does cool stuff that’s NOT this (Think turning an Eames lounge chair into a full on turntable sound machine). Check it out here. There are also the $1200 speakers that look like Birdhouses. Oh, and I guess I shouldn’t forget the $1000 megaphone you can stick your Iphone in. My mom thought it was a urinal.

Cornucopia Urinal
iPhone Amp?

Play music for your plants. 

            Remember the turntable? I had a Stanton STR8-80 Direct Drive BLAH BLAH BLAH  - it worked just fine and it cost maybe $200. Anthropologie has TWO options for you for turntables! One of them is on a sliceof tree trunk for $1298!!!!! And what do they tell you about it? It’s made of wood and glass and it’s 5”x15”x15.” Hrmm. I think they’re missing some tech specs. The second one is $1600. It comes with a “parts kit.” The real draw, however, is that there is a special hole in it for a potted plant. I know I like to water plants on top of my electronics. That’s a recipe for good old-fashioned fun.

            I’m a dinosaur with my audio wishes. The real money is in Apple product docking stations. Of the five that are offered, my favorite is the “iTree DockingStation.” It’s a 6 to 13 foot long log that you stick your iPhone or iPod into. It came from Austria so there were expensive plane tickets involved. I think you also have to reimburse the cost of the fuel for the plane, and perhaps there may be some pilots’ bar tabs built into the cost as well. It costs $15000.

Everyone wants a log. Just like Ren and Stimpy said.

This looks frustrating.

            If that’s too expensive for you, you could always buy the $6000 copper bicycle. You would probably have to strap a bomb to it to keep it from getting stolen. And you couldn’t ride it in the rain, unless you wanted it and your clothes to turn green. Better get an indoors gift. How about a ping-pong table shaped like Easter Island? Ping-pong isn’t hard enough on a rectangular table, so we might as well cut most of the table away. It’s for over-achievers. Or Olympians. Or people with way too much cash, since it’s $14,800.

            I’m not sure what is more ass-backwards about this whole selection of gadgets, the fact that Anthropologie thinks that you should buy them, or that they chose to put them under a heading of Gifts. I’ll be sure to include some $15,000 items on my wishlist this Christmas, which I should have ready for you by Tuesday. And I am fairly certain that it will not include ANY of the things on this page. OY MARY Anthropologie, get the gas lines in your corporate building checked! And for heavens sake, stop eating the lead paint.