It's Fashion Friday!: Focus! You Need Shorts!

           Have you ever noticed that clothes just aren’t made for ladies with excellent posture? No, really. I dare you to pick out a dress you like in a store in the size you think should fit the best, go in the fitting room, and put it on. Now stand up straight, roll your shoulders back, and look at how crappy the back of whatever you put on is now laying across your back. What is up with that?! You know what else I am discovering is an issue? They don’t make pants for thin girls with strong legs. Or maybe they just don’t make designer pants for thin girls with quadriceps muscles. I have discovered this problem because my current ass and legs don’t fit into the collection of spring and summer pants that I own. I think that maybe they didn’t fit very well last summer and my financial situation just forced me to live in denial. This year, however, “not very well” has morphed into “won’t zip a millimeter,” so denial would lead to some sort of public indecency citation.

Marianna City Short

Paperboy by G1

            All of these cropped pants, capri pants, even the long pants, are SO TIGHT through the thighs. Some of them might stretch. Some of them are probably meant to stretch. Some of them feel more like they’re going to rip. Whatever the issue is, I have completely given up on finding lightweight cropped pants that fit my stylistic requirements and my legs. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m moving on to shorts. I used to hate wearing shorts! The great thing about shorts, however, is they do not constrict your legs. They give your legs complete freedom. And, it’s really hot outside already. So, I guess I won’t even need spring pants.

            Shopping for shorts is really an entertaining treat. I don’t know how it happens, but everywhere you go they manage to mix children’s shorts in with the women’s shorts. It’s so confusing. I don’t know how you’re supposed to figure out what sizes to try on when they have things so outrageously mislabeled. Do you know what I’m talking about? You’re just wading through the racks, and you pick up shorts that look like all the rest, and you see the tiny inseam and know that they would never in a million years cover any semblance of a behind, and think, “oh these must be for my 6 year old friend Rose so we can match.” 

            And then some 16-year-old girl carrying a Coach handbag you know she didn’t pay for will

PLEASE, don't buy these. It looks like
some sort of park bench ladybug massacre. Gap $49.95.

push you out of the way, pick up those tiny shorts, and go try them on and you find yourself flooded with a deluge of thoughts including “What a rude little tramp, Who bought her that $300 handbag?!, Those aren’t going to cover her ass cheeks, Is something wrong with the world or am I just getting old?” Well, I want to assure you that there IS something wrong with the world. That teenager should not have a $300 handbag. She should definitely not be letting her ass hang out. And her parents SUCK for allowing the prior two things to happen. None of those things, however, are your problem. Your problem is that it’s hot out, you have muscular (fat? Maybe?) legs, and you can’t find any pants. And, you don’t want to pay an arm and a leg? That last requirement makes you SOL. Someone decided that it was okay to charge upwards of $50 for less than half a pant, and I think that person should be sent on a one-way solo vacation to Siberia.

     

If you want print, keep it simple. These
polka dots are sweet and non abrasive.
Does J.Crew not pay their models
enough to feed themselves?

       Gap has some shorts for less than $50, not much less than $50, but some. I haven’t tried any of
them on, so I can’t vouch for their fit. I would steer clear of any of the cutoff shorts. You can cut off your own shorts. It’s going to look sloppy whether you do it or the Gap does it. Additionally, the prints are horrendous. ALL of the Gap prints on shorts (and pants) are horrendous. Colors are easier to pull off with shorts than with pants.

            Paperboy by G1 shorts at Anthropologie are $68. This price is ridiculous. The fit, however, is excellent. I don’t remember them costing that much. I can vouch for their comfort. And Club Monaco makes a short called the Marianna City Short (currently on sale for $49), which is a nice length. It’s cuffed at the bottom and has a slightly more polished look than the G1. The widest selection appears to be at J.Crew. You can basically pick your inseam length – 3” 4” 5” 7” 9”…. Lots of colors, lots of prints. You know how I feel about the prints. Frankly, though, I’d rather look at someone’s bum covered in repeating Hawaiian sunsets than lumpy cheeks hanging out of anything. 

What does she sit on? This girl has NO ass. These shorts are
also quite ugly AND no bargain at $69.50. I just wanted
to share the Hawaiian sunsets. Thanks J.Crew.

It's Fashion Friday!: Thank Heavens For Sweatpants

           I used to dress up when I traveled. I’m a firm believer that people judge you by what you look like. Granted, this is not something I support – it’s just an unfortunate reality of the superficial human race. If you’ve ever attempted to travel with an instrument, or any other strangely shaped, large, valuable object, you know that flight attendants and gate personnel can be *ahem* difficult (and that is perhaps a generous adverb). My experience was that if I was flying first class or was dressed as professional as possible (looked like I had money, was a frequent flyer, or someone who might complain in a way that might end in them losing their job), I would be treated with more respect and would likely end up with my instrument safely in the cabin.

            International flights are just TOO long to be worrying about looking nice. Comfort is infinitely more important when it is likely you will be jammed between two people who refuse to allow you to use either of your arm rests for six+ hours. It is times like these when I would like to go on a personal quest to find the soul who decided to remove the elastic from the bottom hems of sweat pants to give a tailored look to the world’s most comfortable fabrics and laud them with kisses and puppies. Tailored sweatpants might just be one of the greatest inventions since the light bulb.

            My friend Janet had requested that I do a write up on cashmere hoodies after last week’s high-end t-shirt teardown. While cashmere hoodies may be the height of frivolity, they are the ultimate luxury when it comes to comfort. With tailored sweatpants, fleece jackets, and dresses crafted of like textiles, anyone can be close to that comfortable without the hefty price tag. Well, unless you decided to buy your comfy clothes at Lululemon.

            I am absolutely DA-ROOLING over this HELMUT by Helmut Lang jacket. It’s $195, so I won’t own it unless I win the lottery or find another job. Nordstrom also carries it in a putty color, which I think is great for fall. A more affordable option (less than half $) would be this similar asymmetrical zip Puma version, which is not as bulky as it looks on the model, and also has a collar that can be flipped up in the back. I’m not going to lie, my mom recently bought this jacket for me as a gift and I’m in love with it. The picture doesn’t do it justice. I’d take a picture of it on myself, but that requires too much effort at this time.        

           The Gap has this lovely French terry dress right now. It’s singing a tune of $49.95, and looks ultra comfortable. It’s not exciting to look at, but that’s not really the point. It could easily be dressed up with belts, shoes, jewelry, scarves, etc. if you really feel the need to stand out in your sweatshirt. The Gap is advertising “Sweatshirt Chic” right now, but sadly do not have any tailored sweatpants. Granted, it is a lot easier to find sweatpants when the weather is cold. Do not misunderstand, nothing that you buy at Victoria’s Secret that has writing on the butt qualifies as tailored sweatpants. Generally for something to qualify as a tailored sweatpant in my book it must have a generous visible hem at the bottom, pockets, and be cut like a normal pair of pants (preferably wide leg). 

           I can’t find anything for sale fitting my stringent requirements, but something close is the EverydayPant from Lucy - $79. If you happen to not be familiar with Lucy, I LOVE LUCY (HA)! They are the American equivalent of Lululemon, but they have sales – ACTUAL sales (i.e. more than $5 off on an $80 product). Another outstanding tip I wish to offer, come winter season clearance sales, are the Neiman Marcus clearance racks in the loungewear sections. Neiman Marcus has an in house brand of “relaxed” wear – what they would consider jogging suits. It’s a joke, really, their designers have clearly never watched anyone jog. Last year I found black cargo sweatpants and a lovely ivory ruched sweatshirt cardigan.

Yes she is wearing a visor. Tennis anyone?

           So, by the time you read this, I will be in Zurich, drinking delicious coffee. I will have worn wide-leg Lululemon yoga pants (most likely), a comfy cowl neck sweatshirt, and Puma ballet flats for my flight. (I realize it is still summer, but transatlantic flights can be awfully chilly, and I am poor so there might not be blankets). I most definitely will not have worn THIS GETUP that I found in the Net-a-porter weekly mag this morning. I am quite certain that if anyone were to show up at the airport looking like this they would quickly find themselves on the do not fly list. Don’t you agree?

It's Fashion Friday!: There Is No Such Thing As A High End T-Shirt

$65 Linen T-Shirt by Calypso St. Barth

           I need to address something mindboggling I came across while waiting in a doctor’s office. Have you ever seen this magazine Real Simple? I find the magazine to be a bit of a joke… Its main premise seems to be to suggest all kinds of crap you can buy to “simplify” your life. I don’t know about you, but my thoughts on simplicity generally involve buying less and throwing out as much stuff as possible. The magazine is clearly geared towards middle-aged women so they include a rather pathetic attempt at a fashion segment.

            A matrix of sweet little t-shirts was staring me in the face. At first glance, I didn’t see anything offensive. Then, like evil crickets, the prices of these t-shirts started jumping out at my face, one after another, $30, $46, $58, $65, $73, NINETY FIVE FLIPPIN’ DOLLARS. Hold – the – phone.

            As a fashion lover, art lover, mod furniture lover, I am used to seeing outrageous price tags attached to things I would like to own. That alone is not enough to send me to the moon. What made it possible for me to go and have lunch with “Curiosity” on the red planet was the blurb I read when I turned the page, which actually rationalized paying $65 for a t-shirt. They would have you believe that paying more for a t-shirt actually gets you a better quality t-shirt. A t-shirt is a t-shirt is a t-shirt. I am a shopper’s (retailer’s) best friend and can rationalize the purchase of just about anything ($695 black sequin stilettos as concert attire shoes for a musician, $160 jeans – because they make your butt look much better than the cheap ones,  $26 nail polish), but there is absolutely no circumstance when paying $65 for a t-shirt is rational. The time when I bought a magazine subscription for $75 from a toothless man who showed up on my doorstep was less crazy.

            T-shirts that were made in Europe or the US will cost more, yes. The magazine was right about that. They are still made with machines, however. Little European grandmothers are not hand-stitching the hems on these garments. Very few brands actually manufacture their t-shirts in the US or Europe. Lots of high end designers still have their product made in China – Vince, Kate Spade, Joie to name a few. So, they are laughing with your money all the way to the bank. Imagine the markups. Anthropologie is another one with ridiculous markups on Asian craftsmanship, and their t-shirts are definitely not always the greatest quality.

            So they’re not hand-stitched, they’re made in China. Are the fabrics really better if you pay more? No. This article says they are, but I beg to differ. I’m just speaking based on personal experience, but the t-shirts I’ve had that have stayed nice the longest have been the ones I’ve bought off the clearance racks at the Gap outlet for $4. They’re soft, they’re not too thick, but they’re not tissue thin. Tissue tees are comfortable, but they don’t hold up very well. They tend to end up with holes in them, sort of like their namesake. The article claims that silk and linen would raise the price, but I don’t know that I would call something a t-shirt if it were made out of silk! Wouldn’t it then be a blouse?! And RAYON. Rayon’s great, if you own stock in a drycleaner. What a magical combination – a $65 rayon t-shirt that you have to pay $12 to have dry-cleaned.

            T-shirts are a year round staple. You can sleep in them, layer them, wear them with jeans, wear them with shorts, spill food on them, wipe your hands on them, hang out with little kids in them… They are an everyday piece that’s going to need washed a lot. I won’t pay more than $10 for mine. I splurged on one a few months ago… $15. It had a bird printed on the front. I will not judge you if you choose to spend $65 on a t-shirt if you really like it. We all make ridiculous purchases now and again. Just don’t think for a minute that what you have done is rational in ANY way. 

It's Fashion Friday!: From The IRA to Rachael Ray

Taken from theglobeandmail.com

            Tuesday’s social commentary was a bit fashion oriented, so it seems only fitting that Friday’s fashion commentary would see a bit of politics. Shit this good just doesn’t happen every day. On Wednesday of this week there was quite an uncomfortable shaking of hands. THE Queen, Miss Elizabeth, the 86 year old purely decorative leader of the UK, met with former IRA Chief Martin McGuinness in Belfast. For those of you unaware, Northern Ireland, unlike Ireland, is still part of the UK. If you are young, you may not have good memory of at least one [terrorist] bombing almost every year between 1969 and 2001 (some years having several) by members of the IRA and Provisional IRA in attempts to break Northern Ireland away from the UK. Martin McGuinness is credited with being in control when one of the Queen’s cousins was killed, just to give an idea of the tension. On to the superficial.

            Did you SEE what the Queen decided to wear to this event?????? You can’t miss it, it’s right up at the top of my blog (I took it from The Globe And Mail and couldn’t find any copyright info, so sorry if I’ve stepped on toes!). Here’s a link to another Associated Press photo that I can not afford to buy the rights to post. I can just hear her thoughts as she chose her outfit. “Well, I realize that for hundreds of years my ancestors have been terrorizing the Irish, treating them as peasants and forcing them to migrate to other nations. As an act of good faith for this meeting with Mr. McGuinness, I think it would be best if I dressed like a leprechaun.” Beyond the fact that this suit is hideous, it’s tasteless. Wouldn’t you agree? If it were a darker forest green, I probably would have thought nothing of it. But this is just really bad St Patrick’s Day decoration green. There is no way I am the only one who has made this connection. She’s a red hair dye job away from appearing on a box of Lucky Charms.

            Where do we go from here? I can’t say that I’m entirely sure. Leprechaun fashion isn’t really a trend that I’m worried about taking off. I would, however, like to address something I saw on Rachael Ray while at the gym the other morning. (I’ve moved away from the Dr. Oz side of the row of elliptical machines. I just needed a break). I don’t watch a lot of Rachael Ray; I thought she was mostly a chef, and her cooking doesn’t appeal to me so much. It seems that she likes to have a little fashion blurb on her talk show, and this particular one appeared to be about creating multiple outfits out of one piece for cheap. The guest stylist she had on the show suggested taking a men’s button down shirt (cheaper than a lady’s! the injustice!) and belting it over some pants and then, for evening, taking the pants off and exchanging the belt for a ribbon.

            I don’t want to start sounding like the No Pants Nazi, but that look just isn’t going to work. They showed the girl in her oversized button down shirt with ribbon from waist up and said “Oh, isn’t that cute?” Well, sure, from that angle maybe. Take that camera down a notch and no, it’s absolutely not. Everyone loves a shirtdress. They are sweet and comfortable. Tying a ribbon around a men’s dress shirt does not a shirtdress make. The thing about men’s dress shirts is that they are meant to be tucked in. They are cut longer in the front and back and shorter on the sides – shaped like a saddle. A real shirtdress is going to have an even seam the whole way around the skirt. Do you want to look like you walked out of your boyfriend’s bedroom onto the street high on Ambien? Or do you want to look like you got dressed before you left the house?

            I am all for discount styling, and I love using ribbons as belts, especially since tailoring is not usually at a high point in lower priced clothing. I’m going to use one of my favorite sales techniques right now. Since I’ve just nixed the idea of making a dress out of a cheap men’s dress shirt, I am going to suggest some better inexpensive options that can transform with a ribbon.

This is not a day to night option, but it is a wear it two ways piece. I love long stretchy fold over skirts because you can also wear them as strapless dresses. Of course, this is a trick that only works if you are fairly evenly proportioned. This skirt at Target is $24.99. Not bad. You can absolutely tie a belt or a ribbon at the waist to cinch this in and give it a bit more streamlining. Leave it hanging freely for a more casual cut or a beach cover up. Dress it up with glittery accessories and a delicate shoe, or keep it casual with colorful chunky jewelry and a wedge.

            Next! It’s getting pretty hot outside these days. It’s much too hot for sweaters. The air conditioning in restaurants can bring on quite a chill. What to do????? I have long been a fan of alternative forms of jackets. People close to me would question that statement, as I have often been told there is no understanding as to why a person would need to own so many coats. Regardless, to assist with the air conditioning chill I suggest a light chambray tunic such as this one from the Gap. It is $49.95, which is not a bad price for 100% cotton, especially since I’m going to tell you how to turn it into a sweet little belted dust jacket.

Now the obvious thing to do would be to just put the shirt on over your sleeveless shirt and tie the ribbon around at the waist, preferably with the bow off to the side. I like the asymmetrical look. What I will suggest is more cardigan like and will require two safety pins. Find where the shirt hits your natural waist and follow that point to the side seams. Put a safety pin in length-wise on each seam. Then take your ribbon across the back of the shirt, thread it through each safety pin as if you were going to bring it around the front and then instead fold both ends and bring them to the back. Now you tie the ends in a bow. This way you end up with a lovely little jacket that is tied open, so it’s not too hot, and drawing attention to the thinnest part of your midline. You can fiddle with where you place the safety pins. They may work better for some closer to the front or closer to the back.

I have scoured the Internet looking for inexpensive tunics and shirts that could be repurposed into shirtdresses, but to no avail. If you are handy with a needle and thread or a sewing machine, you could fix the saddle shaped seaming issue of the menswear shirt to a straight across hem. Otherwise, if that is what you are really after, I suggest buckling down and getting a shirtdress that was designed to be a shirtdress. Sometimes it is better to just invest in looking nice. You can’t wait around hoping that Queen Elizabeth will appear at the bottom of your cereal box to grant you a wish for the perfect cheap wardrobe.