It's Fashion Friday!: It's Still Sodding Summer

Leather free moto-chic. Does anyone do it better
than Helmut Lang?

        It is a fact that many places style-discriminate against bigger girls. My dear friend and I were mother of the bride dress shopping and were borderline size checking, and as soon as we went upstairs to the “Women’s” section the dress colors and shapes became dowdy, frumpy, and dull. It was appalling. Big girls can and want to wear pretty dresses too. They shouldn’t have to wear ugly clothing, just because commercial designers are too lazy and cheap to put the extra time into drafting patterns and styles that fit properly. Frankly, I’d rather see a full-figured woman. Skeletons belong in the closet.

        It has become trendy for fashion magazines to attempt to appeal to the normal-sized people with columns such as Marie Claire’s “Big Girl in a Skinny World.” I don’t often read this column. It’s nothing personal - I don’t read any columns – I usually glance quickly and spend most of my time looking at the pictures. I did decide to read one today, however, because I found the topic a bit “whack” – shall we say? Leathers for Summer.  HOLD IT right there. It’s already wrong. It’s wrong! It’s just wrong. Unless you are spending your summer in the southern hemisphere, in Alaska, northern Scandinavia, or a Grease the movie look-alike convention, Leather. Does. Not. Go. With. Summer. So, when Ms. Nicolette Mason complains, “I loathe the fit issues that come attached to leather jackets. The pleather available for my size-16/18 frame makes me feel sweaty, not sexy—quelle horreur!” I must say, "Darling, the reason you feel sweaty is because it’s still July/August." Look, I'm sick of this oppressive heat too, but donning my leather jackets is not going to spontaneously bring October's mid-weight jacket bliss. You’re not

Zara Denim Biker Jacket $39.99

supposed to wear leather jackets in the middle of the summer. I don’t care what fashion magazine told you it was chic or cool or the new it thing. It is nonsensical – as bad as Ugg boots with mini skirts. Like driving a Lamborghini Gallardo in a snowstorm.

         One of my favorite articles of clothing in my possession is a white Helmut Lang lambskin jacket. It’s as soft and thin as a cotton dress shirt. Even that is not appropriate for summer. Do you know what’s worse than sweating in a tight wool sweater? Sweating in tight leather pants. In July. The handbags Ms. Mason suggests are lovely, if you can afford to put an entire month’s rent towards a handbag. (If only we could!) It is more than doable to put rocker flair into your style without wearing leather! Without even addressing accessories, have we forgotten denim? The oh-so-versatile textile that comes in so many shades? The right denim jacket, in the right shade of dirty, is more moto-chic than any leather jacket. AND, you can wash it. OR, you can run it over with your car, depending on which way you need it to go within that spectrum.

Betsy & Adam Jersey Blouson Dress
(Plus Size) on sale for $125.96

     

Eileen Fisher Silk Blend
Tank (Plus Size) on sale
for $112.56

    One of the style characteristics I’ve always felt added more edge to a garment is asymmetry. Maybe you don’t want to wear a jacket. Again, did I mention it’s summer? I’m pretty sure it was 95 degrees outside at some point in the last week and a half. I don’t know why this top costs so much. And I can’t believe I’m suggesting Eileen Fisher as “rocker chic,” but at least you can see what I’m talking about with this being better than boring. If it’s not daytime, cutouts will definitely sass it up too. I hesitate to suggest that for midafternoon or people might just think you’re walking the street. This dress is cute! Aside from the whole polyester issue… it could be worn with flats or heels (please not too high or you really WILL look like a hooker), and how much motorcycle/rocker you show depends entirely on what kind of jewelry you wear. 

Natasha Couture Long Strand Necklace $18.98;
Topshop Inner Neon Thread Necklace $9.97;
Noir Jewelry Miss Piggy's Pearls $105

         And let’s talk about those accessories shall we? I know I cautioned you on wasting your money on the crap Tom Binns sells; and his line is all about trying to make you think you are a rock star. I say save your money for the good stuff and spend as little on the trendy stuff as possible. And can we take it easy on the spike jewelry? What are you, a pitbull? Don’t be so LITERAL. Lean heavy on the metals, not so much on the colors. Layer textures. Sparkle a little if you want. I might put one of these Natasha necklaces with this Topshop necklace (but doubled up), and perhaps something a little girly like Miss Piggy’s Pearls by Noir Jewelry. 

This would be the splurge.
 It's like a metallic gladiator wedge.
TO DIE FOR. Rue do jour
 'Illiana' $545

        If you’ve done this all correctly, you should be wearing mostly neutral

MIA 'Edie' Flat $40.17

colors. Rockers, at least the ones I like to listen to, don’t dress like Hannah Montana. It’s generally about black, denim, maybe a bit of white, but mostly dark. (Remember, we’re shooting for motorcycle rocker chick, not HIPSTER from Bushwick). This means that for shoes, you should be okay to wear metallic flats! I’ve always said everyone should have a pair of metallic sandals or ballet flats in their arsenal for summer time. And then at long last, you may carry a leather handbag, if you like. I do suggest, however, that you put the cash IN the bag, instead of into the hands of the person who sells you the bag…… (That means NO new Valentino Rockstud bags, Ladies!!!! You can still buy new shoes. Shoes are fair game. Always. And for pete’s sake, enough with the studded Rebecca Minkoff’s).

It's Fashion Friday!: Shall I Wear My Jacket On My Legs?

            I get a whole conflagration of junk mail from department stores and various fashion brands. It’s a wonder there aren’t flames constantly shooting out the orifices of my laptop. I used to tolerate it as “education” for my day-jobs in fashion retail: information on competitors, information for clients, and information to earn the trust of clients – all valuable. Now these emails serve to remind me of how poor I am, how remarkably disinterested I am in the superficial/narcissistic side of fashion, and how completely idiotic retail marketing can be.

            On Tuesday I got one of my multiple-a-day emails from Neiman Marcus, which I usually don’t mind, as their buyers have really been impressing me as of late. This one was going to take me to one of their online styling editorials: “WAYS TO WEAR: the jacket.” Hmmmmmm. Now that’s a tough one. The elusive jacket. How does one wear a jacket? When one finds one’s self a wee bit chilly, perhaps chillier than a sweater can repair, one may reach into one’s wardrobe, pull out a jacket to put on, and protect one’s fragile self from icy air.

Come on, dumbass, when it’s cold, you put a jacket on. If you’re warm, you take it off. Does that really need instructions? Have we become so dippy-brained that seeing an email like this is not offensive to our intellect? There is a fine line between dressing well and carrying yourself well out of pride and respect for others around you and complete and total NARCISSISM. This sort of email plays into the narcissism side. “Let me show you how to wear these jackets we sell so YOU can think YOU look better than EVERYONE else.” That is what NM is really trying to say. And it’s likely that you’ve bought into it. Sad.

Trina Turk Talia Printed Pants $218

            While I get in my LAST punch about this promotion by telling you the model in it looks like she has fewer brains than a French cruller and the Trina Turk pants they pair with a double breasted military-esque coat might be some of the most ungodly, hideous threads I have ever seen (whoops that was two barbs), I will excuse my negativity by saying there is a lot of nasty stuff going on in the world right now. It is difficult to see the women of Tunisia looking at possibly taking a step backwards in their right to equality and not balk at “WAYS TO WEAR: the jacket.” At the same time, without the levity provided by occasionally sinking into the superficial, I think we might all explode with sadness.

            In the spirit of dressing well for pride and propriety’s sake (rather than narcissism’s), let’s explore the joys of jackets. I don’t particularly like the Smythe jackets from the Neiman Marcus promo, but in general, I am an outerwear hoarder. I would like to believe that the primary cause of this tendency is that I am always cold and not that I have a psychological issue. My jackets get a lot of indoor wear. If you’re rolling in cash and closet space, by all means, get a jacket to suit your every whim. If you are normal, on the other hand, it’s nice to get a mid-weight jacket for fall. Ideally, this is something heavier weight than a cardigan, but not so thick that you couldn’t layer another coat over it in the peak of arctic freeze. Think North Face fleece. And to maximize the wear (I’m thinking through multiple years), pick a neutral color, no print: taupe, dark camel, grey, brown, or black, (perhaps military green or navy). The first three, of course, are preferable because they could be worn with black or brown.

            I am now going to resist the urge to suggest a bunch of thousand dollar Helmut Lang and Allsaints Spitalfields leather jackets (see, most of us have a hard time with practical).

Patched Surplus Jacket from Anthropologie $138

I’m not completely sold on the patchwork idea of this jacket, but I like the neutral colors. I also like that the sleeves roll up and button (practical!). Trenches are nice because you can always take that belt and tie it behind you, giving you a waist and a breeze. I could also envision buying this a bit on the larger size so I could wear a hoodie underneath it to dress it down and keep a little warmer. The belt could also be replaced with a ribbon for variety or color.

Suit Jacket from Mango $79.99

This is a great basic suit jacket for any wardrobe. Nothing outside the box about this one. Dress it up, dress it down, layer it under or over. I’m not sure what else to say. 

Motor Style Suede Jacket  From Mango $179.99

Moto jackets can have a tendency to look rough and rugged, but the brass findings along with the nice camel shade of this jacket really soften the look. The darts in the back will give it nice tailored lines, and I also like that it doesn’t appear to be cropped. Cropped jackets go in and out of style and can often be a nuisance if you really are wanting some warmth out of them.

                                                                                             

Jacket with Metallic Buttons from Zara $129

I also don’t mind this navy jacket that could double a blazer, from Zara. The buttons and collar give it a nod to the military feel and it's simple enough not to interfere with anything. It could easily be dressed up with a silk scarf. 

Now THIS.  You MUST buy this.

Lipslide Jacket from Miss Sixty $173

You can’t believe I’m serious…. People will confuse you for a birthday cake.