Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I Want To Make A List!

What good is a list without a donut?
         13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. 10 Things Unhappy People Have In Common. 14 Habits of Highly Miserable People. I particularly enjoy the  7 Steps to Get Into a Professional Orchestra and 8 Steps to Become a Virtuoso Hornist. Who is making these lists?! And WHO are they talking about? And who reads these things for life advice? Wait, I feel like I’ve written this blog before. Oh wait, yes I did, sort of – when I said that no one knows how to do anything anymore. That’s where all these lists are coming from. They are the abbreviated self-help books. They are that jerk Facebook friend of yours’ idea of showing you that they know better how to live life because they read this list and they want you to read it too. Although, I'm fairly certain that the only reason the musical lists are making the rounds is because they are hysterical.
            Well, I’m feeling left out. I think I should be telling you what I do that makes me better than you. And, maybe, after reading this list of things that I do better than everyone else – the things that make me ME, you will want to do these things to be just like me.
1.     Look at people like they have 6 heads if they try and speak to me before I’ve had coffee.
2.     See that my phone is ringing, not bother to see who it is, and just chuck the thing to the other end of the couch.
3.     Eat so much chocolate that I know so well which is good and bad that some chocolate doesn’t even taste good.
4.     Have philosophical conversations with my dog, in which he doesn’t respond, but I pretend that he does. (I was also caught threatening the Christmas lights today - that they had better work when I plug them in tomorrow).
5.     Not make my bed in the morning, yet be so anal retentive about making sure the sheets are straight before I get in the bed to sleep that you would think that I thought wrinkled sheets would kill me. (They would. They have teeth in the night. You think monsters live under the bed? Nope. It’s the wrinkles in the sheets).
6.     Prefer to buy imported European foods in the grocery store because I know they won’t use GMO’s or corn syrup.
7.     Reward myself for going to work by eating a Boston Cream Donut (even though you know it breaks List entry 6 because Dunkin' Donuts does not make natural food). Then rationalizing said food item by looking at the nutritional information and seeing that it has 4% of my recommended daily iron value. That's practically a nutritional supplement.
8.     Become a master of self-deprecating sarcasm.
9.     Pile on the guilt when I’m not practicing my instrument enough.
10. Not read other people’s lists. Know that rules don’t make anyone happy. And marvel at all the people who think they’re being revolutionary or helpful by creating a list of things they think other people should do.

That’s it. Go do something productive.

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