Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Seven Wonders Of My World

           The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World may be mostly destroyed and forgotten, but that does not stop me from finding new things to wonder about on a regular basis. These things may not be as profound, beautiful, or magnificent. They are definitely more troublesome. Topping my list is hair – not loss, but reappearance. Joey Lawrence found his way to my television courtesy of the Hallmark channel. He was bald. I KNOW he was bald. Back me up here.
There's no way that's real… it looks like fake Sherpa fleece.
Now, he is not bald. At least, he has something covering his head that looks an awful lot like felt shaped into a receding hairline. The one that really gets to me though, is Ted Danson. What did he do? Was it a transplant? Did he wish on a star? I mean… that guy was losing his hair on Cheers. Yet, these days, his head is covered in fluffy white hair, that I’m sure he spends more time styling than many women. Either something funny is going on, or I’m losing my mind.
            People who regularly lie at work mystify me. Do they think they won’t get caught? Do they assume that everyone around them is oblivious? When you lie about things to move blame from yourself to someone else, that someone else is going to notice. I am not really into lying at all for any situation, so the mindset is not something I understand. The way the moral compass points in the wrong direction in pathological liars – how do they keep it straight? Yes, I had to deal with a liar at work today. He is a turd. I’m considering writing myself a thank you card for saving his ass and giving it to him to sign in a couple of weeks.  
Save yourself some money
and don't buy this garbage.
You can get the same delicious effect
by melting Ghirardelli semi-sweet chips
on freshly cooked bacon. I recommend
doing this on a toasted sesame bagel.
Not kidding.
            Mounds bars. I am a picky, picky chocolate eater, partly due to the fact that I make my own truffles at Christmas time, partly because I’ve just eaten so much of it I know it is not all created equal. For example, that Vosges chocolate that makes the bacon chocolate bar, it’s awful. Their flavors are interesting, but the quality of the chocolate they use is horrible. It’s not the right consistency or flavor. It tastes chalky. They’re doing something wrong. Mast Brothers is better, but it’s not the best. Zotter chocolate from Styria and Sprüngli (Lindt’s better half) are my two favorites. The Mounds bar, however, is a delight I can’t pass up. That amazing chemical flavor. WHY is it so GOOD?
            How does my dog know it’s 9pm? Every day at 9pm he insists on going out for a walk with my mom. Like clockwork. He gets up from his snooze, bone, whatever is going on, and he walks over to my mom and stares. We don’t even need clocks in here anymore. Time by Clovis. Between him and the cat, who can’t make it past 4:30pm without getting dinner, we have beer thirty and bed time covered. What other times are important?
            I know that pharma companies are required to list possible side effects in their commercials. After listening to these litanies of horrible possible nightmares, such as extreme vomiting, anal leakage, stomach hemorrhaging, to name a few, I wonder if maybe the more appropriate marketing decision for these drugs would be to NOT advertise on TV. It’s really hard to believe that people running through fields and smiling are actually happy and healed if you’re telling me they are pooping their pants and going blind. 
            I am always cold. I’m that yahoo wearing sweatshirts in the summer time. Will someone explain to me why I need the window to be open to sleep in the winter? Remember, I don’t live on the west coast. Last night I had the window open and it was in the 20’s.
I have a big butt too. Where's my money?
Why do people care what the Kardashians are doing? Really, who are they? What did they do? They’re not brilliant. They’re not movie stars. They’re not athletes. They’re not supermodels. They’re just rich girls with junk in the trunk. I could do that job. That’s not true. I don’t want people all up in my business. So, I don’t want to be them – I still don’t understand why they are relevant.


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