Friday, August 30, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Animals Died So You Could Do WHAT?!

            I love fur outerwear. I’m not a vicious, animal-hating, evil, barbarian. I like to be warm. I am cold 99% of the time. I’m the person you see wearing a hooded sweatshirt inside when it’s 95 degrees out. And when the temperature drops below 20 degrees, I will have to have on about 5-6 layers of clothing to regulate to a normal temperature. Putting a fur layer in there cuts that in half. It’s practical. Down filled quilted garments are also warm, but it is somewhat easier to walk around in a fur vest than it is to walk around in a sleeping bag. Not all fur garments are created equal. And I certainly wouldn’t want to look like a drowned rat or a CGI wolf from the Twilight trilogy that happened to get caught in a Tsunami. I still want my fur “whatever-it-is” to be fashionable. There are lines, however, that shouldn’t be crossed, if… I don’t even know how to end this sentence.
Chanel. Blue mink helmet.
           GAH! EGADS! What the hell is that?! Exactly. Whatever you’re thinking. Yes. That’s it. BOOM. Joan of Arc just became a Smurf, took an acid trip, flew to the moon, watched the Gladiator movie, and had John Galliano mold her a helmet out of a blue foam yoga block! Actually, it’s Chanel and it’s mink. Poor, poor, mink. I know they’re mean little creatures, but this seems unjust posthumous treatment even for them. I think I saw somewhere these things cost about 3g’s. Karl, what were you thinking?

Fendi. Photo by Filippo Fior.
This is EASILY a $15,000 coat. 
I wish I were joking with that number.
            Next in the lineup, we have the amazing cracked out Technicolor Millipede that Joseph found in his Dream-coat after not having it dry-cleaned for a long, long time. Or is it a crustacean? Regardless of what kind of bug it most resembles, Fendi put it there. And, oh what a surprise, Karl Lagerfeld had a hand in this too. There were a few covetable pieces in this line, but after reviewing the still shots of the Fall 2013 looks I can only advise Mr. Lagerfeld of one thing. Buddy, really, YOU HAVE A GAS LEAK IN YOUR HOUSE.
Creative Recreation. $190 a pair at Barneys.
            I got this email from Barney’s about one of their newest favorites from Creative Recreation. These promotional emails are often comical. Having once been on the other side of the counter I realize that they probably bought pretty heavily into this “new favorite” and are now thinking, “Wow, we better get people to buy these.” My question would be, “Did the Smurfs become a significant marketing target sometime in the last year and I missed it?!” I can’t decide if these are worse in the blue or the white calf hair, probably the blue. The white looks a little less, uh, hairy. Can I think of a single male I have ever come in contact who would wear these? Yes – one – dirty feet thought he was going to get a fresh pair after he left his nasty dry foot gunk on the suede footbed of the pair he tried on sandal guy from my S Ferragamo days. That is not a whopping endorsement, Barneys. Good luck with those. 
Each one of these mittens
is larger than her ENTIRE ass.
Is it a Rorschach? Is it bird flock
excrement? Or just a weird
design? I don't know.
 Some designers are more interested in sustainable fur. So instead of killing animals that haven’t been treated well, they’re just using road kill in their designs. That’s not true, but tell me that THING doesn’t look like a boxing glove made out of a dead skunk. What is that? Can she drive a car with those on? She certainly cannot grip an ice cream cone. I doubt very much that she could button/zipper a coat or pick up a Birkin. Even Cruella De Vil was smart enough to wear sleek gloves so that she would have access to her cigarette holder. Altuzarra does have Cruella’s coat for you as well, if you’d prefer that to the skunk mittens. Supposedly, it was the most Instagrammed coat at Fashion Week (back in February). Isn’t it amazing that people would get so riled up about something that’s been done before, and by Disney, nonetheless? Maybe they were just happy to see something that wasn’t as ugly as Mick Jagger.  

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