Friday, May 3, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Sitting In The Whorechestra

       The idea of “concert black” is not a complicated one. For professional musicians it’s pretty well understood that concert black is tuxes for men, and appropriately dressy black clothing for ladies, i.e. cover your upper arms, your cleavage, your knees, preferably your calves, and most DEFINITELY anything that would be showcased in a pornographic film. Common sense would also dictate that the color of the things you chose to cover all of the aforementioned anatomical parts would be …. Black.
This Forever21 dress is NOT concert black. THIS
is a Ho-niform.
            In the past couple of months, I’ve had the pleasure of getting to revisit the college experience by being paid to substitute/help out in a few college ensembles. It was a rough job at Indiana University making sure that no one snuck out on stage dressed like a hooker with a penchant for Berlioz, but Tom Wieligman made it happen. I don’t know where you are right now Mr. Wieligman, but I can’t tell you how many people appreciated that one small part of the large job you did. Thank you for that, and many other things. I can’t even imagine how many instances of visual scarring were prevented over the years, and thus lawsuits against the university for emotional abuse, negligence, heaven only knows what.
Free People. This is ALSO NOT
concert black. Even if it IS $228.
            I think we need to create and market a “Pocket-Wieligman” for concert wear abuse situations. I'm not sure if it would be some sort of alarm, a concert-black-styled floor-length foldable plastic poncho, or just a protective eyeglass for concert goers... I haven't really thought it through. The interpretation of “concert black” by recreational musicians (and ladies who go to all-girls institutions in particular) is leaving a lot to be desired. I saw white sneakers. I saw one girl with a white sweater. There were black jeans, and MAN were they tight. “Were we supposed to look nice for this?” I heard one girl say to another. I saw red shoes. I saw a LOT of CFM shoes. If you’ve never seen that acronym before the first letter stands for the opposite of go, the second one rhymes with duck, and the third would be a homonym of Mi. Heels just shouldn’t be that high (and you KNOW I love shoes and high heels), especially when paired with a skinny jean. It just screams “Fill in the blank with your nationality of choice” Trash. 
           All of this paled in comparison to what I would
Finally something pretty! This
Yoana Baraschi cocktail dress is
for watching concerts, however, not
playing them.
call Ho-niform meets Concert Black. Picture it… A somewhat sheer, large patterned lace, mini-skirted dress. Very large sparkly earrings. A pair of those CFM shoes. No stockings/hose. Now, sit that girl down in a folding chair, spread her legs and throw in a cello. Actually, don’t. Don’t picture it. Because it is awful. It is a horrible picture. I don’t know if that young lady thought that what she was wearing would be okay because that cello was going to cover her junk, or what. But it’s not okay. It’s as not okay as the fact that they closed the Hostess factory. It’s as not okay as the fact that I have to get up for work before 6 am on Fridays. It’s as not okay as someone telling a small child that the tooth fairy pulls their teeth out while they’re sleeping with a really large wrench and                                                      no Novocain.

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