Friday, May 10, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Enough Already With The Neon

           Have I expressed to you how sick I am of neon? Not the signs. I love neon signs. I can’t get enough of bright burning gas in tubes artistically bent into letters, shapes, and numbers. LED signs are for losers. Please bring back those gaseous throwbacks. Neon apparel… GET RID OF IT! It was overdone in the eighties, it tried to hang into the nineties, and FAILED, and it’s back. It’s been back for too long. I thought it was a quick and dirty, one season throw back, and quick to the sale racks. Oh how wrong I was. And yet, I should have been right.
            I was at TJ Maxx the other day and discovered some very neon, very multicolored (and not in a
Seriously, JCrew? Social Security is a better investment
than these $168 pants in Fresh Kiwi. How many ugly
pants blogs do I need to write?!
“this is chic” – colorblocked  sort of way) Nanette Lepore garments in heavy quantities (It was the SS2012 collection, I'm almost certain). I almost puked a little in my mouth. It was so much color that even a 4-year old would look at it and say “Mummy, no.” Sometimes things make it to the discount stores for a reason. I was encouraged by this sight, thinking “Well, maybe this means we are near the end of this trend. Perhaps the buyers and people who decided the Ready To Wear trends have decided fluorescent is OUT.” When I saw the t-shirt my friend Beth ordered online, thinking it was going to arrive in a normal shade of coral, and needed to return to J Crew today, and also saw the spring collection of apparel at the Gap, my eyes bled. Not really, but if it had been anatomically possible for that to happen as a reaction to oversaturated fluorescence, it would have been the response.
Doctors would call this COMORBIDITY.
Boob fringe - flattering for NO ONE, and
a hot orange bum, ditto. As usual, the worst
at your local Sears.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???? Are people having an extreme need to be visible in the dark? I cannot think of any other reason to cover oneself in Day-Glo colors. They are not pretty. They are not flattering. And you certainly should NEVER wrap them around your ass, despite the over-availability of bottoms in these hues. If black is slimming, then these colors are huge-ing. And no, that is not a word. I overheard a girl say to a friend today about a pair of neon poppy jeans “Are these too bright?” The response should have been “Do Cheetos make you fat?” Instead, the girl, who was clearly not a good friend, said “No, not at all.”
            It’s not just pants that I have to look at in these terrible
No. There's so much wrong with this
$125 Michael Kors skirt, I'm not really even sure where
to begin...the zippers maybe???
colors. The ready to wear brands have forced them into things like blazers, dresses, and sweaters. It’s one thing to spend $15 on a hot pink t-shirt. To spend $75 on a hot pink blazer, on the other hand – you’re out of your mind! You are investing in a loser. This is a one hit wonder. You’re not going to wear this for multiple seasons. You’ll be lucky if you wear this multiple times. Every time you wear it the people around you are going to wince in pain. The people who were with you when you bought it might approve, but the straight guys around you will probably think “What the hell are you wearing?!” As will I. 

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