Friday, May 24, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Focus! You Need Shorts!

           Have you ever noticed that clothes just aren’t made for ladies with excellent posture? No, really. I dare you to pick out a dress you like in a store in the size you think should fit the best, go in the fitting room, and put it on. Now stand up straight, roll your shoulders back, and look at how crappy the back of whatever you put on is now laying across your back. What is up with that?! You know what else I am discovering is an issue? They don’t make pants for thin girls with strong legs. Or maybe they just don’t make designer pants for thin girls with quadriceps muscles. I have discovered this problem because my current ass and legs don’t fit into the collection of spring and summer pants that I own. I think that maybe they didn’t fit very well last summer and my financial situation just forced me to live in denial. This year, however, “not very well” has morphed into “won’t zip a millimeter,” so denial would lead to some sort of public indecency citation.
Marianna City Short
Paperboy by G1
            All of these cropped pants, capri pants, even the long pants, are SO TIGHT through the thighs. Some of them might stretch. Some of them are probably meant to stretch. Some of them feel more like they’re going to rip. Whatever the issue is, I have completely given up on finding lightweight cropped pants that fit my stylistic requirements and my legs. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m moving on to shorts. I used to hate wearing shorts! The great thing about shorts, however, is they do not constrict your legs. They give your legs complete freedom. And, it’s really hot outside already. So, I guess I won’t even need spring pants.
            Shopping for shorts is really an entertaining treat. I don’t know how it happens, but everywhere you go they manage to mix children’s shorts in with the women’s shorts. It’s so confusing. I don’t know how you’re supposed to figure out what sizes to try on when they have things so outrageously mislabeled. Do you know what I’m talking about? You’re just wading through the racks, and you pick up shorts that look like all the rest, and you see the tiny inseam and know that they would never in a million years cover any semblance of a behind, and think, “oh these must be for my 6 year old friend Rose so we can match.” 
            And then some 16-year-old girl carrying a Coach handbag you know she didn’t pay for will
PLEASE, don't buy these. It looks like
some sort of park bench ladybug massacre. Gap $49.95.
push you out of the way, pick up those tiny shorts, and go try them on and you find yourself flooded with a deluge of thoughts including “What a rude little tramp, Who bought her that $300 handbag?!, Those aren’t going to cover her ass cheeks, Is something wrong with the world or am I just getting old?” Well, I want to assure you that there IS something wrong with the world. That teenager should not have a $300 handbag. She should definitely not be letting her ass hang out. And her parents SUCK for allowing the prior two things to happen. None of those things, however, are your problem. Your problem is that it’s hot out, you have muscular (fat? Maybe?) legs, and you can’t find any pants. And, you don’t want to pay an arm and a leg? That last requirement makes you SOL. Someone decided that it was okay to charge upwards of $50 for less than half a pant, and I think that person should be sent on a one-way solo vacation to Siberia.
If you want print, keep it simple. These
polka dots are sweet and non abrasive.
Does J.Crew not pay their models
enough to feed themselves?
       Gap has some shorts for less than $50, not much less than $50, but some. I haven’t tried any of
them on, so I can’t vouch for their fit. I would steer clear of any of the cutoff shorts. You can cut off your own shorts. It’s going to look sloppy whether you do it or the Gap does it. Additionally, the prints are horrendous. ALL of the Gap prints on shorts (and pants) are horrendous. Colors are easier to pull off with shorts than with pants.
            Paperboy by G1 shorts at Anthropologie are $68. This price is ridiculous. The fit, however, is excellent. I don’t remember them costing that much. I can vouch for their comfort. And Club Monaco makes a short called the Marianna City Short (currently on sale for $49), which is a nice length. It’s cuffed at the bottom and has a slightly more polished look than the G1. The widest selection appears to be at J.Crew. You can basically pick your inseam length – 3” 4” 5” 7” 9”…. Lots of colors, lots of prints. You know how I feel about the prints. Frankly, though, I’d rather look at someone’s bum covered in repeating Hawaiian sunsets than lumpy cheeks hanging out of anything. 
What does she sit on? This girl has NO ass. These shorts are
also quite ugly AND no bargain at $69.50. I just wanted
to share the Hawaiian sunsets. Thanks J.Crew.

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