Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My Doctor Got Me High

Yeah, that looks about right.

I have never been a recreational drug user. It wasn’t something I was interested in. Not only did it cost extra money that I would rather spend on things like shoes and beer, I always figured I had enough problems as it was without fogging up my head even more. Not to mention the fact that the majority of my friends were frequent marijuana users, and I noticed that one of the things that smoking caused them to do was eat large quantities of cheesey bread at 3 am. I never had a problem with weight, but I think anyone would get fat eating cheesey bread every night at 3 am.
            I also have an issue with needles. I am not afraid of them. While I find them fascinating, my body does not. It has a propensity towards kissing the floor whenever they get stuck in my veins. I’ve passed out at the allergist, the dentist, getting blood drawn, having an MRI, and I’ve had a lot of close calls in other situations. Needless to say, I don’t give blood and I have no tattoos. Thanks to the aforementioned vasovagal syncope issues (yup, it actually has a medical terminology!) my mom has always joked, well we never have to worry about you becoming a junkie! Drug abuse is not a laughing matter. We should not laugh about things like this.
            I really like feeling my feet on the ground. I’ve never thought there could be anything so great about drug use that was better than real life. I’m not here to judge. If you think it’s fun, that’s fine! Do what you want. It’s just not for me. I like the energetic feeling of being connected with what’s around me. EXCEPT when I have a migraine.
            When my head is throbbing like it’s being hit over and over again by a pissed off  Iroquoi with a blunted axe, I’d try just about anything to make it stop. During those moments of pain, having my head run over by a tractor trailer sounds like a good idea. I have even hit my head against walls. The only thing I would say “No, absolutely not,” to is someone injecting botox in my skull (they sometimes do that for migraines…). I don’t find that there is ever a logical reason to inject food poisoning into your body.
            So, last week when I ended up in the hospital I told the doctor he could try whatever he wanted. While there were things about the ER that could remind you of a spa – the johnny is KIND OF like a robe, the nurse brought me a warm “blanket” and “pillow (another warmed sheet folded up a bunch)” to put behind my head, and the call button is like room service, so if you need something you can ring for your nurse – I really just wanted to get out of there. It’s pretty boring being a patient. No, actually, it’s MIND-NUMBINGLY boring.
 The port coming out of your arm really detracts from the spa experience as well. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced having an IV drip. This would be the first one I was actually conscious for. IT’S COLD!!!!! And it’s not a cold that you can escape from as it’s dripping right into your veins. The first round of drips and drugs didn’t cure my migraine, but it made it better. Better was good enough for me, but apparently not for my doctor!
Unbeknownst to me, Dr. Awesome had decided my Friday night needed some sprucing up. The nurse came back with something “to take the edge off the pain” and put it in my IV. She told me I would feel a little woozy, but that was a gross understatement as I almost immediately felt my face melt off. And my limbs, they got very heavy. The nurse asked me something about my pain, but I don’t recall being able to form multiple syllable words. And I wasn’t sure I still had a head. In addition to that, when I got up to leave I discovered that my feet had been surgically replaced with weeble-wobble bottom. When I leaned forward, I couldn’t stop falling forward, and backwards was the same. It was so much fun! I didn’t even want to go to sleep! I can’t say that I’ve ever felt euphoria like that before. Now I’ll never be able to start doing drugs, because nothing will compare to the good stuff I got in the ER. My mom tells me I was saying “hi” to chairs the whole way out of the hospital. At least I made some new friends.

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