Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I KNOW I Could Write Better TV Shows Than Fox

Oh Pacey Witter, you were
such a likeable character. Yes, it helped
that you were in the Mighty Ducks movies.

           Once upon a time, I was watching television. That should probably read “Many upon multiple times.” Anyways, it was a new show and one of the characters had been on Dawson’s Creek so, obviously, I was going to watch it. Love for Pacey lasts a lifetime. It turned out that I came to the conclusion that Pacey had made a horrible decision, most likely under duress or because of massive gambling debts, and was now being held hostage by a contract that required him to be in one of the worst television shows of all time. The show was called “Fringe.”
            I don’t know what happened in the universe, but somehow this asstastic piece of television turned out to be a hit and remained on the air for several seasons. I didn’t watch it. I have noticed that the Fox Network seems to really be into ONE WORD titles for their television series. I watch their one show “Bones.” It’s about an awkward intelligent character I can relate to. It stars David Boreanaz. And, it’s funny. Win, win. I’ve also noticed they have another show on called “Touch.” This I have not watched because it looks really bad. Mostly, the problem is that it stars Jack Bauer of 24 (yet another one word, well – number, Fox drama). Kiefer Sutherland character-acted himself out of the business. He can’t do anything else. Jack Bauer with a mute child. Sounds riveting – no, it doesn’t.
Is it because I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer that
I will never tire of David Boreanaz? Does that make
me old? Or just wise?
            I thought perhaps I could come up with some more ideas for Fox for future one word titled television dramas.
   1.     CHEW – A series chronicling the emotional drama of an overweight foodie suffering from TMJ. The character would deal with the actual pain caused by using his jaw while eating while also having to suffer the spiteful glances of angry politicos wondering if they will be paying for his healthcare when he has a heart attack. (It’s FOX – there has to be something controversial).
   2.     SAND – A group of college students in Reno for a 24 hour long bachelor party, after getting lost, while wasted, at the tail end of their adventure discover what they think to be an alien buried in the desert. Convinced that they’ve learned something they shouldn’t have, these college students begin to lose their minds, thinking the government is after them….. Or is it just the toxic mold spores they inhaled when exhuming the remains of the dead “creature” while inebriated?
   3.     STINK – A FASCINATING glimpse into the hierarchy of a mob operated trash-collecting company. Watch as these angry criminals try and convince the world that global warming is a lie to prevent the “Reuse, Recycle” trend from destroying their way of life.
   4.     SALINE – A salt shortage leaves the fake-boobed women of America without replacements for their aging implants, and aspiring-to-be-D-cup ladies without the ability to enhance. The psychological strain is too much for one group of housewives from New Jersey who go running off to the Congo for a cheap solution, unknowingly bringing back a slow acting airborne Ebola strain with their new knockers. The CDC must act fast or everyone dies! (okay, maybe that’s more likely to show up on FX)
   5.     REAL – A reality show about the making of a reality show.
   6.     SQUIRREL – A lifetime hunter becomes vegan when he discovers Buddha and decides his dead wife has reincarnated in the red squirrel that visits his bird feeder. He learns to meditate in an attempt to communicate with the squirrel he believes to be his dead wife and becomes overwrought with grief because he is attracted to not only the squirrel but also to the yoga teacher who has become his meditation guide.

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