One of the greatest swindles of the modern day is surely the
underwear industry. You get less fabric per penny than you do with any other
article of clothing. Why does underwear cost so much? It makes absolutely no
sense. By the cost of some underwear, one would think it was self-cleaning, or
covered in diamonds, or made of a special fabric that will allow you to
levitate at the push of a button. Yet, I have never encountered any of those
special features when purchasing undergarments.
 |
| These cost $140 at Agent Provocateur. Why? Anybody? What am I Missing? |
I happen to
be in the lucky spot right now where I don’t actually need to buy any new
underwear. During my time at university, one of my girlfriends introduced me to
one of the best procrastination techniques ever. If you had to do laundry and
you either didn’t feel like it, or didn’t have time, the solution was simply to
go and buy more underwear. I recall this friend having a giant Tupperware
shelving unit FULL of underwear. I carried this technique well past college and
into current day. After a fall cleaning spree leading to the discovery of more
than 50 pairs of underwear, I have put a temporary moratorium on purchases of this kind.
And thank goodness! I can’t afford to buy more!
I’m sure
that if you want Grannie’s drawers you’ll pay a little bit less. I don’t,
however. They don’t really work well with any kind of low-rise bottoms. They
also would not help me to continue denying my elevation in years on the planet.
There’s always the option of shopping the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale.
Except, not really. When stores have large sales, it is often quite apparent
why certain things got lumped into the sale category. VS is no exception. In my
experience, the kind of underwear that is offered during this sale is not
something you could even wear with clothes on. Bejeweled charms, seams up the
ass, oddly placed holes… none of these things really make for comfort. And it
is a certain fact that wearing uncomfortable underwear can ruin your entire
day.
I spend an
awful lot of time at the gym. This allows me to rationalize any and all
purchases of workout wear from places like Lucy, Lululemon, and Nordstrom. (I
realize you may be judging me right now for not buying such things at Target
and TJMaxx, but these places often don’t have apparel for long torsos and I
don’t like my belly button hanging out. Sorry.) I have noticed that Lululemon
offers their own brand of underwear. Am I supposed to wear special underwear
when I go to the gym? And if so, wouldn’t you think it would be appropriately
priced to allow me to buy enough? Sometimes I go to the gym twice a day so I’d
need at least 10 pairs of magic exercise knickers. This special underwear at
Lululemon costs as much as….. wait for it…… $18 a pair!!!! You have got to be
kidding. Again, I had better be seeing diamonds or fireworks for that price.
The real
rip-off is for the girls who are outfitting themselves in strategically placed
dental floss. Logic would lead one to believe that these would be the cheapest
way to go. It seems that the smaller the article becomes, the more it costs.
And let me tell you, you are definitely not paying more for comfort! What’s a
girl to do? Does men’s underwear cost this much? I have come to think that $10
for one pair of ladies’ boy shorts out of a suitable breathing mesh fabric is
reasonable. “Hanky Panky”s, while extraordinarily comfortable, are $20+ a pair.
And upon researching some other prices, I discovered a La Perla “luxury thong”
for $43. What the hell is a “luxury thong?!” The world has truly gone mad.
There are people starving in Africa while women spend hundreds of dollars on
drawers that hardly anyone sees. At least hardly anyone SHOULD see them if you’re
not a stripper. I knew a girl back in Indiana who always had a bubble of her
undies sticking out of the top of her pants. It was really unattractive, and
I’m not sure what she was doing wrong to make that happen. I suppose this would
also be an appropriate time to mention that I don’t want to see anyone’s thong
out the top of her pants. I’m sure you want me to see it since you paid so much
for it, but no thanks. I’m all set. Unless, of course, you’ve figured out a way
for your thong to show me network television while I walk behind you. That I’d
be interested in seeing.
No comments:
Post a Comment