It would be difficult for me to forget the look of
bewildered disappointment that came across my dear friend Michelle’s face when
she discovered I had come back from my lunch break with a brand new pair of
gold leather Prada T strap sandals (they were on sale). I saw it coming. I
even tried to hide the bag on my way back in to work. Alas, no one can hide
things from Michelle. While I respect this woman immensely for being the most
fiscally responsible person in my age group I have ever met (homeowner, boat
owner, enviable self restraint), I STILL maintain that the Prada sandal
purchase was one of the BEST I ever made. I have beaten these lovely metallic
thongs to Hell and I’m still wearing them. The footbed is like heaven, enveloping
my feet in the luxurious cushion of the most sensitive marshmallows and giving
my toes the glorious thought of puppies frolicking in a flowering field. Okay,
perhaps I am exaggerating a tad.
Finding
summer sandals should not be a difficult task. There are so many options!
Flats, wedges, flip flops, espadrilles, slides….. Don’t get too carried away.
While “What would Jesus do?” may be a lovely sentiment, when buying shoes NOT
SO MUCH. I strongly discourage buying any shoe that could be categorized under the
heading “fisherman” unless you are, in fact, a fisherman. (I will, however, bet
you $5 that fishermen don’t actually wear sandals while they are out trying to
reel in giant tuna). And this goes for men as well. Unfortunately, gentlemen,
your selection for not fugly, not Jesus-y sandals is pretty slim. I don’t envy
you. And buying designer sandals is not going to help much, either. The men’s
sandals I had the pleasure of schilling last spring while I was convincing
people to part with obscene amounts of money at Salvatore Ferragamo were
definitely of the ancient disciple variety. Most of the feet I sold these to
probably shouldn’t have been showing their feet in public in the first place.
Just for the record, standing in the shower is not actually the same as washing
your feet.
I actually
really like Birkenstocks. Not for formal occasions, of course. But if you’re
just mucking around, they’re great! If you run into any Germans, they may look
at you a bit strangely for wearing house shoes out in public, but we are an
evolved nation! This is the only land where grown men dress up in tights and
butt pads to jump on top of each other on fake grass. Wearing house shoes
outside is the least of our problems. I digress.
While I can
condone the investment in a great pair of versatile everyday sandals,
especially if they are shiny, I just can’t get behind the designer flip-flop
trend. I remember when you could get flip-flops at CVS for $1. I didn’t want
them then. And my mom probably wouldn’t have bought them for me anyway. They’re
unsupportive and they’re not safe. If you come in contact with shards of glass
or rusty nails your feet would probably be better protected by cardboard boxes.
Times have changed, and I’ve come around. They’re comfortable and really the
only thing I care little enough about to expose to hot sand. (Ironic isn’t it?
There are lots of sharp things at the beach these days).
Michelle
must be rubbing off on me, because the thought of someone spending more than
$30 on a pair of rubber/plastic/EVA foam ovals with straps attached makes me
wonder if said person had their brain sucked out their ear through a straw by a
little green man. Many illustrious fashion houses have put their stamp on the
popular summer shoe and are charging hundreds of dollars. Salvatore Ferragamo
has some PVC flip-flops with an über
matronly bow for $160. The Prada flip-flops are plain and $270, but they DO
come with a bag (I say with left eyebrow raised). Valentino has brass-studded
bows on theirs for $295, but the best nonsense comes from Chanel. For $395, you
can be the owner of some plastic flip-flops with their trademark Camellia flower
on the foot. COME ON!!!!!! They are ALL MADE OF PLASTIC!!! Not a person on this
green earth could convince me that there is a legitimate reason why any of
these flip-flops are any more comfortable or supportive than a pair of cheap ones from the drug store. And it’s not like they are hand crafted by
schooled cobblers. Crafting a fine leather shoe is a painstaking art. Flip-flop
making is not. Save your money. Get your flip-flops at Target. Or go to
Havaianas if you really want something fun. Then at the end of the summer,
people who wash their feet and people who don’t can both chuck them in the
trash without any guilt.
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