Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I'll Take Freddy Krueger Any Day; Just Don't Make Me Ride a Horse.

YU-U-UCK!!!!!!!!! Just look at that nasty thing.
           Halloween is on Thursday. It is not a holiday that I really like much, but I do enjoy the leftover chocolate. And I’m REALLY going to enjoy dressing up my pets this year, as a cow and a pumpkin. Normally it would be the one day of the year when I watch a scary movie with my friend Beth. I don’t really like those either. Last year we watched the original Friday the 13th. Honestly, I loved it! Beth told me when to cover my eyes, and the music was wicked. The thing that I can’t handle is the graphic SOUNDS in movies these days. The ones that go along with the cutting and the squishing and whatever else gross they decide to put in the movie. I don’t find it scary, just gross. I have some really strange things that I’m afraid of. There aren’t many, but this seemed like an appropriate time to publish my greatest fears to the world – it’s not like that Barbas guy from Charmed is real.
1.     Horses. Yes, I am afraid of horses. They are scary monstrous beasts. I would rather hang out with a hippo or a polar bear. Neither one of those would bite your hand while it tries to feed them corn kernels. They also wouldn’t throw you on the pavement because they got spooked by a boomerang. They would probably find some other way to do away with you involving strong jaws or claws that would be faster and fatal, leaving no haunting memories.
2.     Brown recluse spiders. They freak me the hell out! Just the thought of them makes me shiver. I don’t mind spiders in general. I think they’re great. They kill other bugs and that’s awesome because it means I don’t have to, thus helping to maintain my gentle nature. Those recluses though, I first heard about them when I moved to Indiana. I lived in fear that one would just appear in my apartment and it would bite me in my sleep and I would die. Did I see one there? No. I DID, however, have one on my couch here in Massachusetts a few months back. Yes, I know they don’t live here – it must have traveled on a truck in a box or something. I had to wake my mom up to kill it. She was so pissed off she sucked it up with the vacuum cleaner.
3.     A world without Rhode Island. Despite what you may hear from some pompous ass at a wedding, Rhode Island is an awesome state. Plus, three of my favorite people in the whole world live in Rhode Island.

4.     Having my head chopped in half like a cantaloupe. I realize this is an unlikely scenario, but it was a recurring dream I had as a child. These kids would cut my head in half (left and right) with a meat cleaver, but I’d still be alive. They weren’t very nice children.
5.     Having to live without running water. I’m sorry – I need toilets and showers and sinks. Camping would be a REAL stretch for me.
6.     Running out of chocolate. It’s happened a few times, but usually I’m in a situation where I can get in the car or walk to go buy more. I mean REALLY running. Out. Of. Chocolate. Couldn’t ever eat it again…. I think I would prefer being killed in a typhoon.
7.     Being stuck in the Czech Republic. I haven’t been to Prague, but I have been in Brno. It is not for me. They speak a weird language I can’t understand. They don’t know that Open 24 Hours makes way more sense that putting a sign in the window that says NonStop. And the only things that are abundant there (at least that I saw through my scared little eyes) are porn stores and shitty Chinese food – both of which are “Nonstop.” Oh, their trains don’t smell so hot either.
I guess I forgot about the places to gamble…. STILL. Don't
leave me there. Ever.
8.     Partial Differential Equations. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself blessed.
9.     Having a spinal tap – done by a new doctor. I’ve had needles stuck in my spine before – twice. Both were epidural steroid injections between the L4 and L5 vertebrae. The first was done by a new resident. It took about twice as long as it should have (they put it in the wrong place and had to take it out and try again) and it was REALLY painful. “You’re just going to feel a little pressure.” It was all I could do to not scream all the expletives I have ever heard. Second one – Director of Musculoskeletal Imaging and Intervention at MGH (that was a mouthful). No pain, very fast. So spinal tap? Aspiration? Resident? NO, THANK YOU.

10. Sarah Palin becoming the president. Of anything.
Now THAT'S scary. 

What about you???

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