Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Practice Safe Sitting

           If you’re a regular to my blog posts, you might know that I get some pretty great inspiration while sitting in the Barnes & Noble café, partaking of their free air conditioning on days like today, a sunny, hazy, 88-degree Sunday. I am currently witnessing a youthful, somewhere between fifteen and twenty five year old girl (it’s so hard to tell these days with the way young girls whore themselves up), in a hot pink sundress, which might – when she’s standing – fall to the tips of the fingers with arms extended at sides. MIGHT. Truthfully though, there’s no way for me to tell because her dress is scrunched up SO much that her bare ass cheeks are making contact with the green vinyl seat. She’s not sitting on the edge of the chair.  She’s probably halfway onto the chair. If she were wearing a boy-short style underwear, it would all be on the chair. She’s not though, because I can see the whole line where the flesh and the green seat meet. It’s almost like color blocking. Pink, nude, forest green. Not a bad combination really.
           Except, EW! I don’t know if she used a toilet protector the last time she sat on a public toilet! What if she did a crappy job wiping her ass the last time she took a dump? (Sorry to be so crude, but these are serious concerns of mine if I am going to follow her visit to that chair!) WHAT IF the last time she showered that behind was LAST WEEK? It’s not like she wears a visible log showing the dates of her last cleanings like we see when we walk in and out of airport bathrooms. MAYBE she has herpes or HPV. Both are pretty nasty, common, aggressively contagious viruses that are spread with just contact. I’m sure it’s unlikely to pick them up from a vinyl seat cover, but possible! Anything is possible. And with the quantity of non-full-coverage-undergarment wearing, bum hanging-out-of-the-short jiggling, pull-the-skirts-up-and-spread-their-diseases-thoughtlessly young ladies wandering around these days, I fear we are on the verge of ass-pox-polyps (it might be a new disease; it might just be a really bad reach at a pun).
            You and I, however, WE can help to prevent this disturbing end by practicing safe sitting. Obviously, none of us want to share the seat surfaces with these dirty, tasteless tramps. (When I use the term tramps, I don’t just mean ladies. I definitely saw a man in tight pink hot shorts and a tutu strutting his stuff for all of Chelsea a few weeks ago when I visited my friend Miran in NYC). Yet, we should not have to do something so uncomfortable as sitting on a plastic bag. I recommend that we all start carrying around something akin to a cotton placemat. A foldable seat cover that we can put in the wash – with something as close to a caustic chemical as possible. It would serve to protect us from their germs, and it would also be reusable and easy to transport.
something like this.. maybe in a disposable tyvek
like material.
            I also recommend that transit associations create some sort of Seat Police Commission. They could have a team of people who monitor the subways and buses for people who seem to think it’s okay to share their ass germs with the world. Anyone found in violation could be handed a set of disposable XXL size grannie drawers to pull over their inadequately covering bottom ensemble for the remainder of their ride. And when I say grannie drawers, I don't mean largely sized, I mean BADLY SHAPED - those ones you see and wonder how they could possibly work because they're a normal width, but they look like they'd cover an entire torso. This could also be employed in restaurants and other public places like libraries. It would serve as prevention as well. Humiliation combined with superficiality is a powerful tool.
            We also need to join together and commit to audibly humiliating these people until they get that it’s just not appropriate to put their bum out there for everyone to be forced to touch second hand. Not by whistling, not by saying anything that could be misconstrued as a compliment. It needs to be an obvious jab. I recommend the following phrases to be shouted as loudly as possible: “Your ass is hanging out!” “Gross, get your butt germs off of my chair!” “You had better have a diaper on under that dress because I just ran out of wet wipes.” We can do it. Let’s put an end to gratuitous butts. 

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