Sunday, December 2, 2012

Special Sunday Edition!: Don't Do Drugs At Work

$798 for a croquet set? No wonder
the Queen of Hearts used Flamingos
and Hedgehogs. 
           I am proud to say I live in one of the states where it is almost legal to smoke marijuana. Massachusetts legalized medical marijuana at this most recent election. I don’t actually partake in this activity, but being one of those wacky libertarian types, I’m all for legalizing all the drugs. So YAY Massachusetts. I’m not sure if medical marijuana is legal in Pennsylvania. I’m pretty sure there aren’t any other recreational non-prescription drugs legal in Pennsylvania. This leads me to the obvious question, “What on earth are the buyers at Anthropologie smoking for breakfast?”
            For once, I am actually not referring to their apparel, while I’m sure they have some really outstanding “My blind Grandma who thinks it’s still 1976 wouldn’t even wear that” sweaters, as they manage to find every winter. (Don’t be fooled, they have nice things too. If you frequently shop at this store, however, or – ahem – used to have to hide these sweaters in weird places around the store to make room for actually sellable merchandise, you know what I’m talking about). At this moment I would like to direct you to their special “Gadgets & Gear” section under the "gifts" heading on their website.
            I think I would call it something else. Perhaps, “If Boy Scouts Styled Your Home,” “Wood Shop For Apple,” “Artistic Looking Audio Equipment For People Who Don’t Care About Sound,” or “Really Expensive Stuff I Could Have Made With Refuse From My Backyard, A Saw, And Some Sandpaper.” Now there are a few affordable things on this page. And by affordable, I’m referring to the $30 wooden Lego knockoffs and the $36 calculator that appears to have bamboo glued to it.
Yellow Meatloaf Speaker
Ce n'est pas un haut-parleur.
(This is not a speaker). 
            They have lots of audio equipment! I’m an audiophile. What is that, you may ask? The MP3 makes me cringe. I want an LP on a turntable, hooked into an amp, paired with a set of warm sounding speakers, with a full range of sound from low Hz to high Hz, all wired with speaker wire I cut myself. Some people want HDTV. I want good sounds. I can’t afford them. Good audio equipment is expensive, BUT it’s not as expensive as the stuff that Anthro’s peddling! They have three speaker options for you. There’s a $128 fake wood, oh sorry, “faux bois” speaker that looks like a badly molded spray painted meatloaf. 
For $400-$600 you could have some “Gallery Speakers” by Mikal Hameed. 
There’s no way these sound good – there aren’t enough cables coming out of the back of them. Also, Mikal Hameed is an artist who does cool stuff that’s NOT this (Think turning an Eames lounge chair into a full on turntable sound machine). Check it out here. There are also the $1200 speakers that look like Birdhouses. Oh, and I guess I shouldn’t forget the $1000 megaphone you can stick your Iphone in. My mom thought it was a urinal.
Cornucopia Urinal
iPhone Amp?
Play music for your plants. 
            Remember the turntable? I had a Stanton STR8-80 Direct Drive BLAH BLAH BLAH  - it worked just fine and it cost maybe $200. Anthropologie has TWO options for you for turntables! One of them is on a sliceof tree trunk for $1298!!!!! And what do they tell you about it? It’s made of wood and glass and it’s 5”x15”x15.” Hrmm. I think they’re missing some tech specs. The second one is $1600. It comes with a “parts kit.” The real draw, however, is that there is a special hole in it for a potted plant. I know I like to water plants on top of my electronics. That’s a recipe for good old-fashioned fun.
            I’m a dinosaur with my audio wishes. The real money is in Apple product docking stations. Of the five that are offered, my favorite is the “iTree DockingStation.” It’s a 6 to 13 foot long log that you stick your iPhone or iPod into. It came from Austria so there were expensive plane tickets involved. I think you also have to reimburse the cost of the fuel for the plane, and perhaps there may be some pilots’ bar tabs built into the cost as well. It costs $15000.
Everyone wants a log. Just like Ren and Stimpy said.

This looks frustrating.
            If that’s too expensive for you, you could always buy the $6000 copper bicycle. You would probably have to strap a bomb to it to keep it from getting stolen. And you couldn’t ride it in the rain, unless you wanted it and your clothes to turn green. Better get an indoors gift. How about a ping-pong table shaped like Easter Island? Ping-pong isn’t hard enough on a rectangular table, so we might as well cut most of the table away. It’s for over-achievers. Or Olympians. Or people with way too much cash, since it’s $14,800.
            I’m not sure what is more ass-backwards about this whole selection of gadgets, the fact that Anthropologie thinks that you should buy them, or that they chose to put them under a heading of Gifts. I’ll be sure to include some $15,000 items on my wishlist this Christmas, which I should have ready for you by Tuesday. And I am fairly certain that it will not include ANY of the things on this page. OY MARY Anthropologie, get the gas lines in your corporate building checked! And for heavens sake, stop eating the lead paint. 

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