Friday, November 30, 2012

It's Fashion Friday!: Who Needs Mace?!

Mr. Louboutin's handbag
will keep birds from landing
on your shoulder. And icedams. It
will definitely prevent icedams.
Yucko. I don't even remember
who to credit for this crap.

           It goes without saying that there will be trends that not everyone understands or finds himself moved by. I know for a fact that my mom was definitely not down with the low-low-rise jean craze (Thank goodness…. No self-respecting woman, especially past the age of 30, should be showing ass crack). She also did not appreciate the “guys wearing their jeans below their butt” trend, while my brother sported that look for a lot longer than we all would have liked. My friend Beth does not like over the knee boots, stating they remind her of prostitutes and pirates, neither of which she wants to dress like. Even my dog has preferences, being nice to the white dog living in the house behind us and really not liking the little black pug that sometimes wanders into our yard unattended to defecate wherever he chooses (Does that make my dog a racist?). I am baffled by and cannot wrap my head around the won’t-go-away trends of Spikes and Skulls.
            To specify, when I say spikes I am referring to anything pointy and made of metal that has been stuck on an article of clothing. You may call it a stud or a cone. Whatever you want to call it, I don’t get it. Most trends and fads stick around for a short while and then fade out. This one is not seeming to fade away. What exactly is the point of covering your accessories with spikes?
Ouch! At least after the blunt studs pierce
the skin the calf hair will feel nice  and soft.
House of Harlow 1960 'Tilly' $250
            I recall entering high school and there being a senior whose name was Thor. I’m not joking – his family was Swedish. Thor wore a black leather jacket with spikes on it. He had spiky blonde hair. I seem to remember there also being pointed dark accessories mixed in. THIS made sense. I found it edgy and dangerous. This was the kind of person you wanted to have by your side if you had to walk through a dark alley at night. The other two things that come to mind when I think of spikes are bulldogs/dog collars and nuns.
            The Missionaries of Charity (Mother Theresa’s branch of sisters) are one of the few branches of the Catholic church that still participate in corporal penance. So, these poor blessed little ladies wear spiked chains around their waist and biceps for at least an hour everyday to help connect them with the suffering of Jesus and the poor. Those are some badass, hardcore, edgy sisters.
These remind me of a triceratops.
I think they might leave a
nice imprint in a fresh tot's tush.
N.Y.L.A. 'Sibeta' $42
            When I see a young or older lady wearing a handbag covered in spikes, or wearing a pair of stilettos covered in spikes, I think of bulldogs, Thor, and nuns. I imagine those are not the desired impressions. Additionally, what happens if you have spikes on your handbag and you accidentally sit on it? Or you’re wearing it on the subway, and it’s crowded, and some thoughtless person pushes by you quickly and with force? Do you not worry about being covered in evenly spaced tiny bruises? If you have spikes on your shoes, you could hurt someone else. I actually see this as a pro and not a con. Shit-kicking shoes can really help you get your way in certain situations. As with guns, however, there’s always that chance of misfire. Perhaps a small child who has just learned to walk will tumble face first into your stud laden toe, becoming permanently disfigured, and forced to grow up to be a womanizing serial killer. You might take a tumble down the stairs and inadvertently kick your own ass, resulting in the odd tiny bruises you already got from your spike-covered handbag. Your skin will start to resemble that of a cheetah.
I like mohawks. I like silver. I like sparkles.
This shoe makes me want to gag.
And it's only $765 on sale. I don't care
if the label says Alexander McQueen.
            If that isn’t enough, skulls continue to adorn all kinds of apparel. “Oooh I’m so edgy! I have a skull on my scarf, and a skull on my handbag, and I even have skull jewelry.” I have a skull on top of my C-1 vertebra. Am I edgy too? If everyone does something, it’s not edgy. It’s not even interesting. It’s commonplace. Of all the people who claim to really like skulls, how many of them do you think actually do? I bet they just say they do because they think it’s cool. Even if you’re one of those people who says they’re into Day of the Dead, it’s DAY of the Dead not DAYS of the Dead. I really enjoy my kneecaps. I think I’ll have kneecaps printed on all of my t-shirts.
            Clearly, I just have a problem with people who do things because they think it makes them look a certain way, instead of doing things because they really like them. I had a radiologist once who gave me a steroid shot in my spine – he had a skull and bones embroidered on his lab-coat. I would wager to say that Dr. actually liked bones (or he was part of the Skull & Bones club at Yale, where he graduated from, and was not afraid to show it). And I’m fairly certain that Thor liked spikes, along with the color black, and probably things like Death Metal and maybe puppies (everyone likes puppies). For the rest of the uninventive ladies out there covering themselves in spikes and skulls, maybe you should try doing something different if you would like to stand out. Perhaps covering yourself in shards of glass would be much edgier, in the literal sense. They would sparkle in sunlight, and would definitely encourage people to stay away from you. And perhaps if you’re looking for a new object to print on everything you own, I don’t know… how about a trash can? Nothing says cool like taking care of litter.

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