Friday, June 8, 2012

It's Fashion Friday!: How to Dress Like Your Laptop (Or Not)

Christian Louboutin Snorkeling Boots $895
Because snorkeling is so much
easier when you're wearing stilettos.

            I came across these shoes in my web surfing the other evening and was so moved by them that I was inspired to write a blog about neoprene. It seems that neoprene textiles are a bit of a “thing” for this spring summer season so I thought I could help you interpret this trend in your own styling. It’s really QUITE simple. The key to styling neoprene is to not wear it. Neoprene is for surfers and laptops. If you’re not a Macbook and don’t have a surfboard, you shouldn’t be wrapping yourself in this material. Those yellow Louboutin “Snorkeling Neoprene Boots” are some of the fugliest shoes I’ve seen in a long time. When I say I was moved I mean straight from the couch to the bathroom to throw up the piece of bread I had just snacked on.
            I recall Nicholas Ghesquière trying this trend out at Balenciaga quite a while ago… and it didn’t really take off. Neoprene has made select appearances on runways since then (2003?). I continue to not understand. The neoprene that is used to make wetsuits is foamed up with Nitrogen gas, making it an excellent insulator. So why is it showing up in spring and summer fashions? I don’t want to be insulated when it’s 90 F. Do you? And my feet certainly don’t need to be covered in it and simultaneously balanced on a pink stiletto (I really just can’t get over that shoe!).
           Shall we play “What the hell were they thinking?” This Lisa Marie Fernandez “maillot” - it’s $390 so it’s much too fancypants to be called a swimsuit (despite the fact that Ms Fernandez is not French). I don’t know about you, but I like my swimsuits with a lot less coverage. How about you? What good is this? You wear it to the beach to work on your farmer’s tan? On her website she even suggests pairing it with skinny jeans. I can’t imagine a more uncomfortable outfit. A body hugging, insulated fabric under your tightest pair of pants. YEAH. There's a reason people don't wear polar fleece underwear in summer (or ever? I hope?). 

            Round 2! McQ, you’ve let me down. What is this dress? Yes, it’s neoprene. Fail number one. Colors are fine… bustier top I can get behind and might even consider svelte. Waist down… wait a minute, is she wearing a giant bucket under this dress? Are those arm rests?! Fail two and three. One for each hip.
            Round 3! Michael Kors, I’ve never really liked you and this just affirms my past sentiments. Can you strap a harpoon into that belt so when you swim in this outfit you can spear some lunch? There is nothing appealing about this dress. It’s just ugly. The model has on sunglasses so you won’t recognize her. Am I wrong? Guys? Is this attractive?
            Well I am self appointing myself referee in this boxing match between myself and neoprene. We’ve gone three rounds not including the shoe, and I’m pretty sure I just won. GAME OVER. 

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