It's Fashion Friday!: Could Y’all Please Stop Wearing Pattern Printed Pants?

         

These look an awful lot like an ugly tablecloth.

 If I were a bowl of fruit meant to sit in the middle of a table, I would be very confused. It should be easy to separate the tables from other objects and living beings. They have multiple legs and don’t move. Lately, however, there are a lot of really large asses walking around in busily patterned jeans and pants. Many of the pants are floral and look like tablecloths. How would I, the bowl of fruit, be able to discern which large space I was meant to rest on? Normally it could be a matter of what is moving and what is not, but with all of these ugly loud patterns in my face, I just feel dizzy, so, everything appears to be moving. It just isn’t right that we set out to confuse the fruit bowls.

Someone already
upchucked on these.

            What really isn’t right is that all of our eyes are being forced to look at these pants. I know, I know. I’m the one that’s always complaining about people NOT wearing pants. Really though, between things like buck-

ass naked Miley Cyrus and her tongue, the woman I saw at the outlet malls yesterday dressed in head to toe variants of the color celery, oh and the thong/cleavage visions during yesterday's weightlifting class, my eyes are HURTING. They simply CANNOT take anything else. That means that if I see another pair of Victorian-curtain-like floral skinny jeans on any person, I might throw up on their feet. You’ve been warned! Wear your galoshes if you plan to step out with a loud bum.

These are not the least bit offensive,
although they are a BIT on the tight side.

            This is not to say that all patterned pants are off limits. My friend

Beth and I discussed this. She actually refrained from buying some patterned pants because she thought I would scold her. (You grow up wanting to make a difference in the world – this is not the kind of difference I was expecting. I’ll take it though, for now). It turns out that same day I had to break down and tell her that I purchased a pair of patterned skinny pants. Now, the difference between the pants I bought, the pants Beth should have purchased (She doesn’t HAVE to take my advice. I’m really not that judgmental. In fact, she probably prevents me from purchasing somewhat outrageous impractical things more often than I she), and the

Looks like tweed.
I can handle this.

pants that everyone else is parading is the color contrast and busy-ness of print. I purchased some Helmut Lang white and ivory geometric pants. The pattern is subtle. It does not accent my hindquarters like the multi-colored horse in the Emerald City. Similarly acceptable patterns might be tiny dots, stripes, or perhaps an all over print that is made to look like a fabric, such as these Lafayette 148 cropped pants. This pattern isn’t so offensive because it looks like woven fabric. Of course, some images don’t

You don't even see the orchestra
at the knees. All I see are eyes.

belong on fabric – such as this photograph of a night at the ballet that made it’s way onto these Clover Canyon pants. All I can see are two giant eyeballs on two butt cheeks. You can’t make this stuff up.

            It doesn’t matter if you are small or large. Pants cover a pretty big percentage of your personal surface area. Filling it with busy, busy patterns is just going to make people sick. I don’t think anyone wants people to feel ill at the sight of them. So, I ask, not just as a selfish desire to not have to shake off encounters with particularly awful bottom choices, but for your own benefit! It is based in altruism. I do not want you to be thrown up on! What kind of person would I be if I encouraged behavior that would bring on such an awful circumstance? 

I swear every time I pick up
something that is WAY too loud,
it's Catherine Malandrino.

Ugly Pants Primer - a few questions you may ask yourself if you are uncertain if the pants you're considering will make people cross. If the answer is "yes" to any of the following, the pants are a "no."

Mattress or dentist office curtains? 

1. Do they contain more than one primary color? 

 2. Do they resemble any fabric you've seen on a mattress? They use some pretty sad floral fabric on mattresses....

They must be kidding with these....
it looks like she spilled Saag Paneer in her lap.

3. Do they draw unnecessary attention to your crotch?

I saw these at the Bloomingdales
outlet. Why oh why did Level 99
 make these???? 

4. Do they attempt to give you textured skin, like a snake, or an alligator perhaps?

5. Do you see people having to shake it off like the thought of a 400 pound man in a Speedo after they look at the pants?

Hope this was helpful!!!

WOW. Just. WOW. <shudder>

It's Fashion Friday!: It's A Bird, It's a Plane, It's UGLY PANTS!

            When I see the word “hero,” I think of Bette Midler singing in the movie “Beaches.” More specifically, I remember a hairless child singing the song “The Wind Beneath My Wings” (because there’s the line “did you ever know that you’re my hero?”) as a Karaoke selection at the Roller Kingdom indoor roller skating rink while I was at someone’s birthday party in the 80’s. I also think of the magnificent Strauss tone poem Ein Heldenleben with loud, hard, gratifying horn parts, a delicious sushi restaurant in NYC, and Superman. What I do not think of, ever, are clown pants – hideously printed, wacky, brightly colored, tacky, expensive, louder than the special effects in an action film at the movie theatre pantalones.

Hey guess what, I don't want your personality.

            Not too long ago Net-A-Porter sent out their weekly style mag discussing a trend called “Hero Pants.” Of course, I thought I missed the memo when I pondered, “What the hell are hero pants?!” The handy dandy Internet allowed me to discover that no one else knew what the hell Net-A-Porter was talking about either. Hero Pants or Victim Pants, really ugly printed pants seem to be a big hit this fall. I had almost forgotten about the whole shebang until I was reminded by the ocularly offensive ad Anthropologie sent to my Inbox on 9/24/12. They called them “Personality Pants/ Pants that go Pow.” I think the best part about the girl’s outfits in this email is that she looks like she did her hair with an eggbeater (I hope you remember what one of those is - see picture below if you don't). And I can actually say that is not an exaggeration. YOW. The webpage that email loads hurts to look at. 

Egg beater

            Let’s get back to this whole “hero pants” concept. As far as I can tell, the only requirement of “hero pants” is that they be ugly, based on the selection at this Net-a-porter trend page. In case you don’t feel like clicking through to that, I’ve selected a few of my favorites to show here. And I truly hope that you can envision the look on my face as I view them. If you don’t know me and/or haven’t been shopping with me, it’s something similar to the look on the face of the girl sitting in the lawn chair reading the book about Hitler and friends, except the eyes are bugged out a little bit more, brow raised and furrowed, and my mouth would lie somewhere between breaking out into uncontrollable laughter and a clown frown. 

I’m not sure which is the winner, Tablecloth Crotch, Leprosy Legs, or Golden Girls’ Next Door Neighbors’ Bathroom Wallpaper Print Pants.

            I recall one of my first visits to Century 21 (the discount retailer, not the real estate agent) on Wall St. I was 20. I had a tendency to like ugly things, sometimes. (Top secret information: I still like really ugly things for myself sometimes and that is why I rarely go shopping alone) My ultra-fashionable friend Alicia had taken me – I’m not sure if this is the visit when I bought my first pair of Prada shoes or a different visit. Anyways… I found these pants that I was certain I had to have. I’m pretty sure they were Etro. They were denim and they were covered with sequined apple trees. I can see you wrinkling your nose at me. It’s okay, I can take it. Thank heavens for Alicia, then Parsons student, now designer for Juicy Couture. She took one look at the pants I had in my hand and gave me a look that indicated that if I even contemplated picking them up off the rack we would no longer be allowed to continue our acquaintance. These pants could EASILY have fallen into the “hero pants” category. The real hero in this situation is Alicia. I don’t know what I would do without you.