Hey, look! I found Grandma’s full
body Spanx for sale while I was looking for pretty clothes. Actually, I’m
joking. That’s a dress. Would I lie to you? One of Hervé Léger’s
“iconic” bandage dresses. In the hue of rich white woman. On sale at
theoutnet.com (Net-A-Porter’s online outlet) for $598. Originally $1450. No you
may not have a link to it, I refuse to support that in any way. Why would
anyone pay that much to cover themselves in monochromatic horizontal stripes?
The bandage
dress was born in the 80s. It was a rough time for fashion. Very few things
from this decade deserved to be resurrected. We have already visited my
infatuation with jelly shoes. Fluorescent colors are debatable. I’m over them,
except for workout-wear (it makes beating yourself to a pulp so much more
palatable), but I understand that for people born in the 90s and later that novelty was
missed. Is there anything else? High waisted pants? No. White washed jeans? No.
Oversized t-shirts tied in a side knot? Definitely not. And then we have the bandage
dress.
NO ONE
looks good in these dresses. The press praises this fashion choice because
someone told them they were supposed to like it, no doubt. Due to copyright
restrictions, I cannot provide these pictures directly. If you press HERE,
you can open a photo from Us Weekly of J-Lo in a dress that looks like it was
made with a pasta machine. I don’t know why anyone would think that was
attractive. And HERE, Blake
Lively, dearie, what were you thinking allowing anyone to put you in that? I know the website says you look good,
but you don’t! You look much larger than you are. And your crotch is almost
hanging out. My conclusion, bandage dresses only look good on Lolita. And if
you are a parent who would actually allow their teenage daughter to leave the
house in something like this, you should be arrested for child endangerment.
If you are
over 18 and your parents can’t keep you from committing this horrific error in
judgment, I assure you that you will get attention. Not all attention is good
attention. I guarantee you the teenage boys in your neighborhood will burn the
image of you in this dress into their brains for years to come. And if the
thought of that excites you, we have even bigger problems than I originally
thought. I can recommend a great psychiatrist.
This is not
to say that all form-fitting dresses are a no no. Form-fitting dresses, when
tailored properly, can be stunning. I am not encouraging wearing potato sacks
instead of bandage dresses. I would just appreciate my dresses to be made of
high quality textiles, not things you find in a hospital. And an hourglass is a
beautiful shape. Tell me though, when was the last time you saw an hourglass
with ripples in the bottom? Yeah, I hear you saying that’s what Spanx are for,
but, honey, they can only do so much. This McQ Alexander McQueen dress would be
much prettier than a bandage dress. And it’s still going to hug your curves
without making you look like an exploding sausage. Too expensive? You mustn’t
buy knockoff bandage dresses from French Connection, or even for $30 at Forever
21, just because they are cheaper! They are STILL UGLY! Susana Monaco makes lovely form-fitting
jersey dresses for a more acceptable price tag.
If you have
gotten this far and are still insistent on squeezing yourself into a tube of
expensive stretchy wound coverings you might as well just buy this one. It’s at
netaporter.com (Find it yourself). For $2300 you can look like Native American
Barbie and bury our hearts at Wounded Knee. While you’re at it, you should
probably bury my eyeballs and gag reflex as well.
LOL! I used to see those dresses in the window at Intermix on my way to work in Manhattan. Even checked one out -- for my much-younger, much-much-much-thinner cousin, who's probably one of ten people in the world who could wear it and look stunning. (Not the Blake Lively version with peek-a-boo crotch, mind you)... That one was grey and black with a red "bandage" running diagonally, as I recall. Perhaps that was the hue of rich black woman!
ReplyDeleteI nearly lost it when I got to "peek-a-boo crotch." While those two ideas just shouldn't go together, the mix rolls off the tongue so nicely!
ReplyDelete