Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Lost Yourself? Have You Tried Hare Krishna?

Lookin' good with green skin.
            There is hope for people who have lost their way. One no longer has to venture out on his own on a journey to discover his true identity. If you don’t feel that you know who you are, do not fear. There are a billion (mild exaggeration) quizzes and interpretations of your habits out on the Internet to help you figure it all out. And, I have taken them all. Okay, not all of them.
            I am R2D2. Captain Kirk. Sushi. Maleficent. I should have gone to Stanford. I am “Community Organizer Barack Obama.” – I don’t really want to be any kind of Barack Obama so that quiz was not super helpful. The British paper (tabloid?) The Daily Express. Disney Princess Belle – I would have preferred Aurora but hell, at least it’s not Ariel. Although if you do the match up of my Myers-Briggs profile with Disney characters, I am Mulan or Pocahantas. ???? What? 
Just, wow. THAT is a car.
           I am Pixar car Sally – this means nothing to me. Where as the quiz that said I am a Stretch Hummer?! I just find that offensive. OBVIOUSLY, I would be a McLaren F1. Fine automotive enthusiasts, interpret that how you like. The Stretch Hummer quiz clearly did not take my curves into account. I am Count von Count from Sesame Street. I am the Swedish Chef on the Muppets. What kind of wife am I? I am a “Good Wife: You're not so perfect that you look fake and you don't nag so much that you'll end up in divorce court!" – Perhaps I should have that printed on a business card for future use as I am actually not married.
Bork. Bork. Bork. Ray Bourque? We like him too.
Papa Smurf! Jake Gyllenhaal – on which one of Taylor Swift’s boyfriends I would be. I guess “the guy that would never date that vapid hoe” wasn’t an option. I am not an asshole at all on the “How much of an asshole are you?” quiz. According to a video of animated cocktails, my favorite cocktail says that, “If I have to stand in line to get in some place, I won’t go.” He also said I only own one pair of nice shoes. Something went wrong there…
Yeah, I'm not so sure about that one.
My sleep position indicates that I have long periods of indecision, but stick to my choices, once they are actually made. It didn’t take me long, however, to decide not to take the Which Twilight Character Are You? Quiz. Thank goodness there are no more of those movies, so people I don't know can stop telling me I look like "that vampire girl." I miss the days when people told me I looked like a brunette Alicia Silverstone. I'm not sure I ever saw it, but that's okay. I definitely look more like her than I do Jake Gyllenhaal.  I should sue Kristen Stewart for attempting to steal my face. Then I could be all of the things above, and not poor.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

This is just wrong.
 We can all agree that lying is usually bad, right? And the Oxford Dictionary online defines “lying” as “present a false impression; be deceptive.” WELL, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH SOME PEOPLE IN TOWN. I live in a small town… small-ish…it used to be small. It’s full of residential areas and different shapes of houses. Mudrooms and enclosed porches are fairly common. Storm doors are as common as dirt on the ground. If you don’t know what a storm door is, it’s a second door that goes outside your door-door, usually on a spring hinge (to maximize injury in all poor weather situations), and either with a screen in it if it’s summer time, or hefty glass if it’s winter.
            Most people will close both doors in the winter for added insulation. If you have a mudroom, your house might be insulated apart from the mudroom so you could just have the storm door. A generous pet owner might leave the door-door ajar so that a cat or dog could look out the storm door. Our cat sits in front of the screen door from April through October. There is a house not far from mine, with a storm door and a mudroom, where a beautiful yellow lab puppy sits and watches the traffic until his owners come home from work. Or so I thought.
             “How sweet!” I thought the first time I saw those yearning eyes waiting for their child playmate or food-yielding grownup to return and keep him company. “Aw, that puppy really likes to watch the cars go by,” I commented to myself the next time I saw him in the window. “Have you seen that cute puppy?” I’d ask friends, “He’s always looking out the window.”
            “Are you sure that’s a real dog?” my Mother queried. I thought she was nuts. Why would you have a fake dog? That’s weird. “Oh, he is cute though, you’re right.” Of course, I’m right. It’s a cute puppy. A sweet little lab with a bandana tied around his neck.
            “Sarah, I don’t think that dog’s real. He’s always sitting in the same place, every day, at every time of day,” my Mother tried to crush my dreams again. She can’t just let me be happy. You know? I think that’s a parent child relationship thing. I kept looking at that dog. And I kept looking. And he was there for me always. Always. Always looking in the same direction. Always with the same bandana. Always pulling my heartstrings as he showed no signs of life while sitting in front of that door for months….
            What kind of SICK BASTARD puts a FAKE DOG in the window?! These abhorrent people have shattered my visions of a puppy playing with a child. They have ruined my adoration for a dog constantly wishing for his owners to come home. They have crushed the very soul that brings me breath each day. THEY LIED. And they CONTINUE to lie. That dog – that fake, plastic, fiberglass, WHATEVER, imitation puppy, sits in that damned storm door pretending to look at traffic every freakin’ day. TAUNTING me. Making me JUDGE myself for being so gullible, so full of wonder and childlike emotion.

            Screw you people and your stupid fake dog. I hope one day an elderly person drives into your mudroom with their car and ends that thing’s fake life so I can continue with mine. I will go on and pretend that this horrible LIE never occurred. I will sleep better at night knowing you aren’t shattering other people’s dreams the way you bulldozed mine. <Insert childish sticking out of tongue here>.

Friday, January 3, 2014

It's Fashion Friday!: Long Johns Aren't Just For Guys Named John

The North Face Women's Light Tights - $45
While the emails keep coming from the garment peddlers and the magazines are telling you how to wear what’s “in” in 2014, I want you to know that I wore two pairs of pants to work yesterday – my fat jeans and my foxy pants (the fat jeans being my really too big, super comfortable, almost feel like pajamas jeans and the foxy pants being my workout pants that have a fox and raccoon print on them). My mom made fun of me, but I was actually not freezing my ass off and that was a nice change.
            My general feeling is that when the temperature drops below 20F you can do whatever you need to for warmth, even if that means leaving the house with all the clothes you own on at the same time. It is currently 8 degrees F right here. That’s -13 for you Celsius people. And it’s not going to get much warmer than that today. (Find a mule to insert sarcastic global warming joke here). Most people will not leave their houses – it also snowed so work was preemptively cancelled today. And those who do, like myself, because dammit it’s 8 degrees out and I need my ICED Americano with whipped cream from my local coffee shop/former place of barista-hood, are probably not going to be putting a whole lot of thought into “How do I look today?” At least, if they have any sense, they won’t.
It's winter - wear a coat. The North Face
Women's Metropolis Parka - $289
            It reminds me of the sorority girls who would come out on Thursday nights in the winter in Indiana in scantily clad outfits with no coats. God forbid you have to carry a coat when you are inside a bar. I laughed at those girls. And I will laugh at anyone who acts similarly, unless they get frostbite. That is no laughing matter. So, what do you do when it’s 8 degrees out and you are dying of hypothermia, but can’t wear all of your clothes because then your coat won’t fit? It’s called long underwear, folks. Or if you are like me and don’t want to spend your money on that, or are a stubborn New Englander and don’t need long underwear because you’re from New England and you don’t get cold, you could wear your workout tights under your pants. Layer t-shirts and running shirts under your hoodies and sweaters. There is no shame in that.
The North Face Blended-Merino
Long Sleeve Crewneck - $80
            Lucky for us, there are some batshit crazy people out there who go camping and hiking in this frigid icy wonderland. This has resulted in the creation of some pretty lightweight, warm “baselayers” from companies like The North Face, Patagonia, and LL Bean. Some of the pieces are made of merino wool = soft. Did you know that merino is also flame retardant (in case you totally lose it and decide rolling in a fire is the best way to warm yourself)? And they also make these pieces moisture wicking for the ultra sweaty/active cold people.

            If you want to follow my lead, however, and spend less money, or wear what you own already – anything made for running outdoors is going to be a great under layer. It is designed to keep you warm without weighing you down. Or, you could wear leggings or tights under your pants. This all seems pretty common sense to me, but like I said, there are idiots out there who put their desire to not carry things before their desire to keep their brain at a functional temperature.