There’s always that moment of excitement. What’s it going to say? What wise words is this cookie going to share with me? You eagerly crack the thing open and pull out that tiny slip of paper hoping for some sort of life changing statement. You’re a fool. It’s a cookie. It’s okay; we all do it. Deep down somewhere a hope has been instilled that the meaning of life might find its way to you via a printer in a cookie factory in some city’s Chinatown. It’s never going to happen. NEVER! Why? Because they fill their cookies with “fortunes” like the one I got last week, “Most people, once they graduate from the School of Hard Knocks, automatically enroll”
Notice the lack of punctuation at the end of that completely muddled nonsensical thought. I’m sorry, what? Automatically enroll in what? Rehab? Kindergarten? The University of Phoenix Online to be classmates with Shannen Doherty? Talk about hard knocks… how many times has she been to jail? She looks like she could hard knock Hulk Hogan’s teeth out. One of the other “fortunes” picked up at that meal was, “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” I beg to differ, Mr. Fortune Cookie Author. I would call that a nap. All this got me thinking that perhaps I should be writing the fortunes in the cookies. I am certain that I could do a better job. Not only would they be in comprehensible English (although perhaps that takes some of the fun out of it), they would actually be “fortunes.” None of this cliché crap. Fortunes are supposed to foretell the future, hence the prefix “for.” They don’t call it a clichétune or a randomstatementune.
Here are some of the things my fortune cookies would say. I’ve taken the liberty of also translating them into broken English.
1. You’re going to die. Too much life bring certain death.
2. Someone at your job will do something so idiotic that you'll wish assault were legal. Coworker make want for right hook large like mutant coy.
3. Clothing sizes are going to shrink. You eat cookie you get fat.
4. Once you sit on seat warmers in a high-end car, you’ll want them forever. Warm ass make happy. Cold ass make sad.
5. You will experience spring after winter. Snow bring mud every year.
6. A woman in a Lexus will cut you off on the highway. Rich bitch cause danger.
7. You will kill at least one plant. You evil. No touch green.
8. Someone will owe you money. No loan money wife’s brother. He good for nothing son bitch.
9. You will wish someone would make you cookies. Keep Pillsbury Ready to Bake cookies in fridge – no need friends.
10. You will get rained on. Water fall from sky. Bring soap.
11. Someone will make you feel stupid. Smart people don’t know they mean. No worry, lots of dumbass in Idaho.
12. If you never feel stupid, and you’re always right, you might be an asshole. You assface. Hope cookie stale break tooth.