I’ve been seeing lots of Christmas decorations in stores lately, so I know it must soon be time for Halloween. This has never been one of my favorite holidays. I have my mom to blame for that – it is her least favorite holiday. She hates it, perhaps even more than she hates the NE Patriots and more than I hate football. I have memories of handing out candy to other kids when they came dressed in costume and I quite vividly remember being petrified of being the victim of an egg attack.
Candy, costumes, ghosts, rotten teenagers, Satan’s holiday (yup, thanks Mom) – these are all things that seem appropriate to associate with All Hallow’s Eve. So, when did this devilishly fun American Dental Association job insurance holiday unofficially become Dress Like A Prostitute Day for women over the age of 17? It’s a bit disturbing to me. It also often implies a gross misunderstanding of the idea of costuming. Putting on a costume is generally something you do to be something different, not to emphasize something you already are. Now that’s not to say that everyone who dresses like a ho-bag on Halloween is actually a slut, but the chances are pretty good.
I always got a big kick out of watching the tramp parade bar crawl back in Bloomington, Indiana. The best part was their insistence on looking as slutty as possible no matter how cold it was. This actually was true most of the winter, so perhaps Halloween was just the official skin meeting frigid air break-in day. Coats ruin that undressed effect and they are a pain to carry around, so you definitely wouldn’t see any girls in prostitute costumes wearing them.
One would think that people would be excited about the prospect of being able to dress up like ANYTHING. For one day, you can look like a complete lunatic and write it off. You could dress like a Christmas tree, Popeye the Sailor Man, Xena Warrior Princess, Chuck Norris, Ross Perot, a dining table, or RuPaul! The possibilities are endless. Why would you pass up an opportunity like that? You can dress like a prostitute any day of the week. If you do it right, you could even get paid for it.
The other thing I’ve noticed about the slutty fill-in-the-blank (i.e. nurse, maid, Disney Princess, etc.) costumed ladies is that a good deal of them are not of the body type or age that any of us really want to see dressed that way. I’m not saying I want to see ANY women dressed that way, but you and I both know that all bodies are not created equal. And some butts and boobs just really need to stay under wraps. Literally. Cover that shit. All of it. Mummy! There’s another great idea for a costume.
There are almost two weeks left until Halloween. I write this as an open plea to all the ladies out there, and men who dress like ladies too. Please, please, please, if you’re going to do the costume thing this year, put on a REAL costume. Be creative. Do something fun. Or do something boring. Put on a suit and be Pat Sajack. Or shove a stick up your ass, put on some ugly clothing, act like an elitist, and be my nasty Aunt Kate. I don’t care what or who you choose to emulate as long as it is not a prostitute. Those women out there have hard enough lives without you pretending to be one of them and undercutting their rates.