Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Don't PAY For Halloween Decorations!

$6.99 for FAKE cobwebs?!

            Last year Halloween got cancelled in a lot of towns around here due to an unseasonably early snowstorm. I believe, as a result, people are responding by doing a little bit of extra decorating this year. There are lots of lights, and fake rotting things, and fake cobwebs, and zombie heads. The general theme of Halloween décor is “dirty, gory, and gross.”
            I can’t help but to think that people are really missing out on a big opportunity here. Rather than spending money to buy fake cobwebs, fake rotting material, and other assorted nasty shit, one could stop cleaning for months before Halloween in preparation. Real cobwebs are FREE! Most people do pretty heavy cleaning before Thanksgiving anyway, so there’s no worry about adding extra cleanup. And since you would have saved so much time in not cleaning for months before Halloween, you’re really gaining a lot.
            Authentic cobwebs would create more drama. Just think, actual, live spiders could greet the kiddies as they come asking for candy. If you’ve let the cleaning go for long enough, maybe the cobwebs will be low enough that the kiddies’ heads will take the cobwebs away along with the candy! You wouldn’t even HAVE TO CLEAN THEM UP. Self-cleaning dirt. I should patent that.
            As for rotting material, it’s just like having compost piles in convenient locations closer to your house. It’s not anything you can’t relocate with a shovel. Think of all the time you will save just chucking your trash out the front door instead of taking it in bags to the trashcans, which then need to be rolled to and from the curb once a week. If people ask questions, just tell them you’re fertilizing your sidewalk. Feeding the rolley-polley bugs and wood lice. Bugs are going to out-survive all the humans anyway. Is it wrong to get some good karma tilting in your favor? I wouldn’t bring maggots into it – they have a tendency to gross people out.
            We’d cut down on pranks, too. What can teenagers really do to mess with your house if it’s already loaded with cobwebs, bugs, and rotting vegetation? Add more rotting vegetation? Lame. Toilet paper it? That’s like providing paper towels to start cleaning up the mess. Set it on fire? Hello insurance cash out!
            In addition to everything else, we’d probably be able to cut down on the amount of plastic Halloween crap made in China and sold at Walmart – thus saving the earth from toxic gas production, slave labor, and bigger landfills. This is a seriously winning idea. Halloween – the dirt fest of champions. 

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