Friday, October 5, 2012

It's Fashion Friday!: BBBUT, My KEYS Might Get Cold!

           OH the F Bombs be Droppin’! I’m sorry, I just have to compose and gather myself for a moment before I can even figure out where to begin with this. I just read a blurb from “The Zoe Report.” I’ve never done that before. Rachel Zoe is one of those people who is famous and you can’t really figure out why. Aside from having a reality show and telling other famous (?) people what to dress themselves in, I’m not sure her existence serves any purpose. So, before I get into the blood and guts of my thoughts today, I must share some of this silliness with you.
            I was researching a particular “backpack” that Rachel Zoe has endorsed. A good backpack, such as one crafted by The North Face or L.L. Bean, is an invaluable piece of equipment for hiking, camping, or traveling. An entirely different one was introduced with this (ghostwritten?) nonsense, “Toting around a jam-packed purse can be terribly tiring. Surely, there has to be a chic way to lug a load of beauty basics, stylish sunnies and a weighty wallet without weighing down our arms. Turns out, there is!” I think I “hohoho”ed with a plethora of “you’ve gotta be f’in kiddin’ me”s like a truck driver Santa. I know carrying a handbag really wears me out. I mean, I have to take a nap every time I walk from the car to a restaurant. And damn, my wallet is really heavy. It must be all those pennies. What the hell are you carrying around in that thing, woman?! If your arms are that messed up from carrying a purse, maybe you should try 1. EATING – not only does anorexia make it difficult for your arms to bulk up, but food provides nutrients, like sugars and potassium, which allow your muscles (if you have any) to function and 2. GOING TO THE GYM – maybe empty out that heavy wallet of yours on a personal trainer, gym membership, or set of weights and try lifting something so your arms are strong enough to pick up more than a pencil. (How do you pick up those 5 inch heels you insist on wearing or do you just kick them all over the floor?!)
Fur Backpack by The Row
            So Rachel Zoe is all about this fur backpack designed by Michelle Tanner. Oh I’m sorry, I meant The Olsen Twins. Can’t you just see Uncle Jesse packing up Michelle’s lunch and tucking it in that furry yeti melanoma? Look at that thing! It’s a blend of uneven skin tones, a weird shape, and it appears to already have a giant red blotch on it. So, when you get attacked by PETA supporters with paint guns, the blob of color will blend right in. And, it ONLY costs $16,900. I guess that’s probably what it cost the yeti to have that thing removed. He really should have taken care of it sooner. Melanoma can be fatal! Do we need to start a yeti skin/fur cancer education initiative in the Himalayas?
            I don’t just have a problem with this fur backpack. I have a problem with all fur backpacks, purses, handbags, and containers. Don’t get me wrong. Fur is great. I won’t send PETA after you if I see you wearing a fur coat (well, maybe if you’re in Hawaii – that would be kind of ostentatious and ridiculous given the climate). I happen to own a fur vest. I get colder than the average bear in the winter and having that extra fur layer works a lot better than down as an insulator (I wear down vests starting in October…). If you are adept enough to go and apologize to the animal, kill it yourself, skin it, clean it, and sew it, the more power to you. I buy my fur (I say that like it’s a regular occurrence – it’s not. I am dirt poor.) on clearance and at discount stores. My feeling is that once it has been marked down that much, people have had a chance to make their statement about cruelty to animals. At this point, I am actually doing the dead FooFoo a favor by making sure his life was not lost in vain.
Mr. Scarecrow, do you have
a fur purse on your head?
            I need to be insulated in the winter. My handbag does not. What on God’s green earth could you have in that bag that you need it to be surrounded by a dead rabbit? Unless you are carrying an actual living rabbit through the arctic tundra in that purse, I can’t think of a plausible reason why you would need it to be made of fur. Do you plan to use it as an emergency hat: to be prepared at all times to pose as one of the Witch of the West's Winkie Guards in a pickup version of the Wizard of Oz? Is it so you can look chic transporting those precooked roasted chickens from the grocery store to your table without having to put them back in the oven when you get home? Are you trying to transport liquid gallium in a glass container (It expands when it freezes and would likely rupture the container making you a double dumbass for a. carrying liquid gallium in glass and b. owning a fur handbag)?
Rachel Zoe’s blog said the yeti tumor “combined comfort and class.” Does your planner need to be comfortable? Is your lipstick going to yell at you if it’s lying up against a jacquard lining with cowhide on the other side instead of an Orylag bunny from France? Maybe if you live in a nudist colony it might be nice to have a fur handbag. Do nudists even carry handbags? I don’t know. Google doesn’t seem to have an answer for that one.

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