It's Fashion Friday!: Animals Died So You Could Do WHAT?!

            I love fur outerwear. I’m not a vicious, animal-hating, evil, barbarian. I like to be warm. I am cold 99% of the time. I’m the person you see wearing a hooded sweatshirt inside when it’s 95 degrees out. And when the temperature drops below 20 degrees, I will have to have on about 5-6 layers of clothing to regulate to a normal temperature. Putting a fur layer in there cuts that in half. It’s practical. Down filled quilted garments are also warm, but it is somewhat easier to walk around in a fur vest than it is to walk around in a sleeping bag. Not all fur garments are created equal. And I certainly wouldn’t want to look like a drowned rat or a CGI wolf from the Twilight trilogy that happened to get caught in a Tsunami. I still want my fur “whatever-it-is” to be fashionable. There are lines, however, that shouldn’t be crossed, if… I don’t even know how to end this sentence.

Chanel. Blue mink helmet.

           GAH! EGADS! What the hell is that?! Exactly. Whatever you’re thinking. Yes. That’s it. BOOM. Joan of Arc just became a Smurf, took an acid trip, flew to the moon, watched the Gladiator movie, and had John Galliano mold her a helmet out of a blue foam yoga block! Actually, it’s Chanel and it’s mink. Poor, poor, mink. I know they’re mean little creatures, but this seems unjust posthumous treatment even for them. I think I saw somewhere these things cost about 3g’s. Karl, what were you thinking?

Fendi. Photo by Filippo Fior.
This is EASILY a $15,000 coat. 
I wish I were joking with that number.

            Next in the lineup, we have the amazing cracked out Technicolor Millipede that Joseph found in his Dream-coat after not having it dry-cleaned for a long, long time. Or is it a crustacean? Regardless of what kind of bug it most resembles, Fendi put it there. And, oh what a surprise, Karl Lagerfeld had a hand in this too. There were a few covetable pieces in this line, but after reviewing the still shots of the Fall 2013 looks I can only advise Mr. Lagerfeld of one thing. Buddy, really, YOU HAVE A GAS LEAK IN YOUR HOUSE.

Creative Recreation. $190 a pair at Barneys.

            I got this email from Barney’s about one of their newest favorites from Creative Recreation. These promotional emails are often comical. Having once been on the other side of the counter I realize that they probably bought pretty heavily into this “new favorite” and are now thinking, “Wow, we better get people to buy these.” My question would be, “Did the Smurfs become a significant marketing target sometime in the last year and I missed it?!” I can’t decide if these are worse in the blue or the white calf hair, probably the blue. The white looks a little less, uh, hairy. Can I think of a single male I have ever come in contact who would wear these? Yes – one – dirty feet thought he was going to get a fresh pair after he left his nasty dry foot gunk on the suede footbed of the pair he tried on sandal guy from my S Ferragamo days. That is not a whopping endorsement, Barneys. Good luck with those. 

          

Altuzarra.
Each one of these mittens
is larger than her ENTIRE ass.

Is it a Rorschach? Is it bird flock
excrement? Or just a weird
design? I don't know.

 Some designers are more interested in sustainable fur. So instead of killing animals that haven’t been treated well, they’re just using road kill in their designs. That’s not true, but tell me that THING doesn’t look like a boxing glove made out of a dead skunk. What is that? Can she drive a car with those on? She certainly cannot grip an ice cream cone. I doubt very much that she could button/zipper a coat or pick up a Birkin. Even Cruella De Vil was smart enough to wear sleek gloves so that she would have access to her cigarette holder. Altuzarra does have Cruella’s coat for you as well, if you’d prefer that to the skunk mittens. Supposedly, it was the most Instagrammed coat at Fashion Week (back in February). Isn’t it amazing that people would get so riled up about something that’s been done before, and by Disney, nonetheless? Maybe they were just happy to see something that wasn’t as ugly as Mick Jagger.  

It's Fashion Friday!: Barneys - You're Not Purple And You Don't Sing... Please Don't Change.

I would walk in here and drool like a St Bernard on a hot day.

Very recently, a dear friend of mine, who I lovingly refer to as “Little One” moved forward in her career. She stepped up from being a successful sales associate for Bottega Veneta to selling accessories for Barneys. I’ve never really considered Barneys a huge presence in the Boston area, although I do love going into their Copley location. The buyers for their salon shoe department don’t even have to hit the nail on the head; they double dowel, screw and glue. I can’t remember a single time I’ve walked through there and thought, “What were they thinking?” I wish I had enough money to shop there. Regardless, since Little One kept me sane in my final months working at my worst job of all time, I decided that in her honor I would write up something on her new employer.

            Coincidentally, Barneys flagship (660 Madison Ave) opened a new SHOE FLOOR at the beginning of this week. You did read that right. A Floor. 22,000 square feet of high end, artfully chosen, designed, and constructed couture for your kickers – men’s and women’s alike. It is a well-known fact that I love shoes even more than I love scratch tickets. Of course, I jumped at the chance to talk about something shoe related. It is an excellent thing that I am not able to pop on over and check this new location out for anyone. My credit score and bank account balance would not survive that sort of research adventure, even if I tried to sell it to the IRS for hefty refunds come spring.

The pictures are quite appealing - bright, open, and expensively designed. They claim they will have exclusive styles from many luxury brands. I have to tell you, though, that is nothing new. Department stores and boutiques ALWAYS have exclusive styles. It’s the nature of how the fashion RTW industry works. The designers show their product to the buyers from the various establishments, and the buyers pick what they want to sell. Bloomingdales may not pick the same colors and styles that Saks or the boutique picks. That’s how you end up with a department store having something in patent leather that the boutique only had in satin. As a seller, I found that to be more of an irritation than a positive…. Anyways…

            You must drop everything and go and visit the shoe floor this weekend. I realize that is a tall order with not a whole lot of notice. Barneys is doing a good deed and donating 10% of their sales through this Sunday July 22^nd to the Human Rights Campaign and its Americans for Marriage Equality Program. My first thought when I read that was “Seriously? Just 10%?” I’m just giving you a hard time, Barneys. That is a nice gesture and a brave one given how many people out there still think they will be personally harmed if gay people in another state get married (That makes ABSOLUTELY no sense to me…. It's like saying I'm going to have a heart attack because Arnold Schwarzenegger choked on a chicken bone while eating Cheerios). 

            So we already have three new reasons to fall in love with Barneys: shoes, social responsibility, and Little One. Let’s add a few more. I said I didn’t often visit their Boston Copley Plaza location; that doesn’t mean I don’t frequent their website! Aesthetically appealing and easy to navigate, this site is set up to help you find what you need, what you want, and what you didn’t know you needed or wanted. It’s mostly product and very little posturing. And if you’re trying to acquire something, isn’t that what you want? If you’re looking for all the other “stuff” they’ve been cramming into the department store websites these days, it’s not lost. Barneys has a section they’ve titled “The Window.” It’s full of articles and videos about fashion, art, travel, designers, and products you can purchase at Barneys.

            They have free shipping. You can buy things like $395 ice buckets. It’s pretentious as all get out. They’re not trying to convince you that they are anything but pretentious. Barneys actually began as a discount store, believe it or not. They very quickly realized that was not where they wanted to be and over the years built on their level of quality until they were importing the best of the best. They’ve had some financial difficulties in the last fifteen years, but hopefully that hurdle is in the past. So, go try and buy some beautiful shoes for me! I will live vicariously through you. Post pictures! Tell me what it’s like in that magical haven of podiatric pleasantry. I want to see what you get. And, Barneys, take care of my Little One! She’s a treasure that can’t be bought, even on the most magical of shoe floors.