Some People Waste Money Better Than I Do

          I just can’t get over some of the ridiculous “studies” people are running these days. It’s jaw-dropping idiocy. The first one of these things that made me really question what I was doing with my life is the one that read “Most alcohol-related ER visits ‘due to beer.’" It goes on to say that, “Five beer brands in particular were most attributed to patients landing in the ER: Budweiser, Bud Ice, Bud Light, Colt 45 and Steel Reserve.” Really? So you’re telling me that people who get wasted drinking shit beer (have you ever TASTED Colt 45?! I mean it’s as bad King Cobra, which I’m also ashamed to have tasted and is, coincidentally, mentioned later in the study) get in accidents that land them in the ER? They show poor judgment in their beer choice, and then they show poor judgment that lands them in the hospital. Am I supposed to be surprised about any of this?! Who the hell pays to run a study like this?

            Clearly it’s the same kind of people who funded this study: “Children and teenagers who spend lots of time in front of screens - especially TVs - tend to gain more weight as they age.”  So, let me get this straight. Kids who watch a lot of TV get fat. NOOOOOOOO. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. You know who doesn’t get fat? Kids who play outside in the road. Would someone pay me to run that study? Here’s one for you. An Op Ed for the NY Times ("Rich People Care Less") highlights studies that rich people care less than poor people: “Higher-status people are also more likely to express disregard, through facial expressions, and are more likely to take over the conversation and interrupt or look past the other speaker.” Oh and then there’s this, “Exercise can help low back pain, obesity can hurt, study shows.” Uh-huh. Exercise generally DOES help strengthen muscles. And they always talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back. A “STRAW.” Not 100 extra pounds!

          So how about this old article from the Chicago Tribune I found calling out how much money the taxpayers spend on dumbass studies like this. I mean, I’m all for alternative medicine. Really – I think there’s a lot of value to it. I do not, however, support spending $666,000 to see if distant prayer can heal AIDS. OR $1.25 mill to see if massage would make cancer patients feel better. And the $406,000 spent to spray brewed coffee at intestines to heal pancreatic cancer? I’m just left wondering how Rob Ford got himself on the approval committee for these things, because clearly SOMEONE was smoking a LOT of crack when these decisions were made.

         I could do so much with that money that would be of more value. I mean, for one, if you spent the ENTIRE $1.25 million on giving massages to cancer patients instead of whatever small portion went to the massages and the rest to the people writing the study, I would be fine with that! Nobody begrudges a cancer patient comfort, or a massage therapist an income. And since when does it cost $666,000 to get people to pray for AIDS patients? I’m pretty sure prayer is free. How about you take those $666,000 and pay for some AIDS patients’ medication.

         If you want to WASTE money, however, I can do that really well too. I’d love some new winter pajamas and some good short shorts for yoga – you know, that perfect balance between small as possible without forcing other people to look at my ass cheeks. I’m sure my cat would love one of those really expensive scratch/play tower things. How about some animated outdoor Christmas decorations? I can always use more of that stuff. None of those things are really a waste though. They also don’t cost that much. So I could have my stuff and there would still be enough money left over to find out if chipmunks prefer Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts to go with their nuts.