Some People Waste Money Better Than I Do

          I just can’t get over some of the ridiculous “studies” people are running these days. It’s jaw-dropping idiocy. The first one of these things that made me really question what I was doing with my life is the one that read “Most alcohol-related ER visits ‘due to beer.’" It goes on to say that, “Five beer brands in particular were most attributed to patients landing in the ER: Budweiser, Bud Ice, Bud Light, Colt 45 and Steel Reserve.” Really? So you’re telling me that people who get wasted drinking shit beer (have you ever TASTED Colt 45?! I mean it’s as bad King Cobra, which I’m also ashamed to have tasted and is, coincidentally, mentioned later in the study) get in accidents that land them in the ER? They show poor judgment in their beer choice, and then they show poor judgment that lands them in the hospital. Am I supposed to be surprised about any of this?! Who the hell pays to run a study like this?

            Clearly it’s the same kind of people who funded this study: “Children and teenagers who spend lots of time in front of screens - especially TVs - tend to gain more weight as they age.”  So, let me get this straight. Kids who watch a lot of TV get fat. NOOOOOOOO. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. You know who doesn’t get fat? Kids who play outside in the road. Would someone pay me to run that study? Here’s one for you. An Op Ed for the NY Times ("Rich People Care Less") highlights studies that rich people care less than poor people: “Higher-status people are also more likely to express disregard, through facial expressions, and are more likely to take over the conversation and interrupt or look past the other speaker.” Oh and then there’s this, “Exercise can help low back pain, obesity can hurt, study shows.” Uh-huh. Exercise generally DOES help strengthen muscles. And they always talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back. A “STRAW.” Not 100 extra pounds!

          So how about this old article from the Chicago Tribune I found calling out how much money the taxpayers spend on dumbass studies like this. I mean, I’m all for alternative medicine. Really – I think there’s a lot of value to it. I do not, however, support spending $666,000 to see if distant prayer can heal AIDS. OR $1.25 mill to see if massage would make cancer patients feel better. And the $406,000 spent to spray brewed coffee at intestines to heal pancreatic cancer? I’m just left wondering how Rob Ford got himself on the approval committee for these things, because clearly SOMEONE was smoking a LOT of crack when these decisions were made.

         I could do so much with that money that would be of more value. I mean, for one, if you spent the ENTIRE $1.25 million on giving massages to cancer patients instead of whatever small portion went to the massages and the rest to the people writing the study, I would be fine with that! Nobody begrudges a cancer patient comfort, or a massage therapist an income. And since when does it cost $666,000 to get people to pray for AIDS patients? I’m pretty sure prayer is free. How about you take those $666,000 and pay for some AIDS patients’ medication.

         If you want to WASTE money, however, I can do that really well too. I’d love some new winter pajamas and some good short shorts for yoga – you know, that perfect balance between small as possible without forcing other people to look at my ass cheeks. I’m sure my cat would love one of those really expensive scratch/play tower things. How about some animated outdoor Christmas decorations? I can always use more of that stuff. None of those things are really a waste though. They also don’t cost that much. So I could have my stuff and there would still be enough money left over to find out if chipmunks prefer Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts to go with their nuts.

How To Piss Away $42,000,000 And Help No One

            The Olympics – a time everyone looks forward to, when nations join together and set aside their differences to celebrate the hard work of incredible athletes. Yeah right. Lesser concentrations of bovine manure can be found in freshly fertilized pastures. It would be lovely if we were really celebrating the athletes. I can actually relate to the people who compete in these events. Olympic athletes and classical musicians have a lot in common. We both throw ourselves into hours and hours of solitary training for short moments of performance that either result in glory or complete and total failure. People might know who we are for a week, but they quickly forget, for the most part. We do what we do because of an inner burning passion that drives us, not because we have dreams of offshore bank accounts and second homes in Tahoe. You do what you do with the awareness that you may struggle financially for the majority of your lifetime. Who cares? Money isn’t everything.

            That is actually not the case for the majority of inhabitants of developed nations. Money IS everything. In fact, it is ALL about money. Countries vie for the rights to host the Olympics with the hopes it will bring money to their economy. The US outsourced the production of the Olympic uniforms to China, no doubt to save money (that was patriotic, wasn’t it? And I'm sorry, but what was up with the berets?). NBC spent $1.3 billion for the rights to broadcast the Olympics so they could make money showing you lousy advertisements. That number makes me sick to my stomach so I’m going to forget it and focus on a smaller, yet equally sickening number.

            Let’s discuss the international pissing contest that is the opening ceremonies. In a rational world, this would be an event purposed to welcome and celebrate the competitors. It would be about the athletes. I can’t remember an opening ceremony I have seen that was about the athletes. The openings have turned into ridiculous events where the host country attempts to outdo the spectacle created by the prior host country. They have singing and dancing staged by movie directors and choreographers who have nothing to do with the sports that will take place. Famous people come to perform. There are usually fireworks. Often there are light shows, supposedly symbolic displays that are so esoteric they make sense to no one, and don't forget the technical malfunctions. All of this costs an obscene amount of money. The ceremony in London this year cost $42 MILLION, and I must include that number would have been higher if they had actually PAID the performers. They did not. That may be fine if you are Paul McCartney and have goo gobs of money, but as I mentioned earlier, most performing artists do not. How did they get around this? By asking musicians to volunteer their services. Those who would not "volunteer" were then informed they would not be needed. I can not even begin to tell you how offensive this is to those of us trying to make a living as performing artists – to think that people believe it is acceptable to expect us to perform for free and be honored to do so. No one else works for free. A lack of compensation does not say that we are doing it because the art is so important but the complete opposite. It says that they want us to do it for free because they do not put any value to the art.

            So $42 million…. I imagine they could have created a pretty extravagant spectacle for $21 million as well…. As food for thought, I would like to propose to you some things that could have been done with the other $21 million had they chosen to spend half the money on the ceremony and half the money on something actually worth while.

According to thewaterproject.org the average cost to provide clean water to one person in the countries they work in (Rwanda, Uganda, Sierra Leone, and Kenya) is about $20. So with $21 million they could provide clean water to about 1,050,000 people in Africa.

Blue Planet Network can provide a village of 110 families in Africa with a complete water system for $10,000. That would be water systems for 2100 families.

"Nearly 90 percent of all diseases in the world are caused by unsafe drinking water, inadequate sanitation, and poor hygiene. Every year, there are 4 billion cases of diarrhea as a direct result of drinking contaminated water; this results in more than 2.2
 million deaths each year—the equivalent of 20 jumbo jets crashing every day." Living Water International

$1.20 is all it costs to immunize a mother against maternal and neonatal tetanus. From my calculations, $21,000,000 would actually take care of a few hundred years worth of vaccinations in the world’s poorest countries, thus curbing the deaths of 180,000 infants and 30,000 mothers a year.

Another huge problem is polio. This disease is still endemic in Nigeria, Pakistan, and Afghanistan. Eradication of the disease requires pretty much EVERYONE being vaccinated. UNICEF can get the vaccine in its many forms for an average of about 14 cents a dose (it's OPV in the table of vaccines listed). $21,000,000 could help vaccinate 150,000,000 children.

I think I’m making myself pretty clear. I’d rather lives be saved than see fire and dancers on television help make NBC's $1.3 billion investment pan out. And I have an inkling that many of the athletes from these developing nations would feel a lot more celebrated and touched if instead of showing up for the flashiest, most boring party of all time, they found out that something was being done to improve the living conditions of the nations they represent.