There may come a time in your life when you ask yourself,
“Am I too old to wear footed pajamas?” I would like to answer this question for
you with an emphatic, “Yes.” Who doesn’t have fantastic memories of going to
sleep in footed pajamas? There’s not a feeling in the world that matches that,
“My feet are trapped in some sort of synthetic slipper induced perspiration
meltdown.” The ease of being able to get into your entire pajama costume with
one zip. That magnificent excitement of moving your arms under the blanket and
seeing sparks. When it boils down to it, synthetic fabric and all – no matter
how pink they may have been, these are just memories. I don’t think this
experience would be as exciting the second time round.
First of
all, thanks to the über-fears of today’s American parent, I don’t believe it’s
possible to get any kind of garment that creates sparks under the sheets. Those
are gone with the times, just like that awesome toxic chemical that came in a
tube with a straw just so you could blow bubbles out of it. Second, a full
frontal zipper poses much greater risk to a full grown adult than a child.
Think about it. And really, the whole point of the footed pajama, that really
bad for your skin plastic slipper that doesn’t breathe, can be better accomplished
by simply putting on a pair of socks. Why do you need to zipper your whole body
into a fake wool onesie, looking like a deranged, oversized Ralphie (from The
Christmas Story) just to keep your feet warm?
I’m all for
comfort in my bed. My reasoning behind putting a stiff financial backing behind
anything involving sleep is that I spend one third of every day in my bed,
hopefully sleeping. Being an insomniac, I am acutely aware of all of the things
that may cause discomfort in the night. Wrinkles in the sheets. Sheets not
lining up properly on the bed. A pillow that isn’t quite the right height.
Having a hot fabric next to your face. Sheets that are constantly sliding off
the bed. The wrong mattress. A comforter that isn’t the right weight. Pajama
pants that ride up your ass when you roll over. A cold zipper touching your
skin (I often wear hoodies over my pajamas. See…. Return Of The Hoodie Monster). Cold feet. Hot feet. Hot arms. Cold arms. Really, I could continue
for another hour or so. The point is, there is no panacea for the ultimate
sleep comfort situation. You might need to take your socks off in the middle of
the night. You might need to put on a sweatshirt. You might decide to switch to
shorts. You might have to get up and push the mattress back onto the bed and pull
the flat sheet back down over the bottom of the mattress. NONE of these things
can be solved by wearing footed pajamas. Pharmacotherapy would be much more
effective on ALL accounts. Really… anyone who tries to take away my sleep
medication will die a slow and painful death, in footed pajamas.
Yeah, dude, nice pose. |
And
this tool in his beer glass footies… Not just the appearance… they’re $50!!!!!
ON SALE!!!! And only for two days… they go back up to $70!!!!!! My eyes are
about popping out of their sockets. And I kind of want to barf a little.
Oh, and
then there’s this gem below -
Now, THAT's cute. He can come in my house any day. |
For the record, I do not think this is cute. So, do not be
surprised to hear me laugh at you or simply refuse to open the door if you show
up at my residence dressed in these. AND, don’t think you’re sneaking them in
in a suitcase. I would HAPPILY throw you out in the snow. You’d be warm enough,
right?
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