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| Yeah, that looks about right. |
I have never been a recreational
drug user. It wasn’t something I was interested in. Not only did it cost extra
money that I would rather spend on things like shoes and beer, I always figured
I had enough problems as it was without fogging up my head even more. Not to
mention the fact that the majority of my friends were frequent marijuana users,
and I noticed that one of the things that smoking caused them to do was eat
large quantities of cheesey bread at 3 am. I never had a problem with weight,
but I think anyone would get fat eating cheesey bread every night at 3 am.
I also have
an issue with needles. I am not afraid of them. While I find them fascinating,
my body does not. It has a propensity towards kissing the floor whenever they
get stuck in my veins. I’ve passed out at the allergist, the dentist, getting
blood drawn, having an MRI, and I’ve had a lot of close calls in other
situations. Needless to say, I don’t give blood and I have no tattoos. Thanks
to the aforementioned vasovagal syncope issues (yup, it actually has a medical
terminology!) my mom has always joked, well we never have to worry about you
becoming a junkie! Drug abuse is not a laughing matter. We should not laugh
about things like this.
I really
like feeling my feet on the ground. I’ve never thought there could be anything
so great about drug use that was better than real life. I’m not here to judge.
If you think it’s fun, that’s fine! Do what you want. It’s just not for me. I
like the energetic feeling of being connected with what’s around me. EXCEPT
when I have a migraine.
When my
head is throbbing like it’s being hit over and over again by a pissed off Iroquoi with a blunted axe, I’d try just
about anything to make it stop. During those moments of pain, having my head
run over by a tractor trailer sounds like a good idea. I have even hit my head
against walls. The only thing I would say “No, absolutely not,” to is someone
injecting botox in my skull (they sometimes do that for migraines…). I don’t
find that there is ever a logical reason to inject food poisoning into your
body.
So, last
week when I ended up in the hospital I told the doctor he could try whatever he
wanted. While there were things about the ER that could remind you of a spa – the johnny is KIND OF like a robe, the
nurse brought me a warm “blanket” and “pillow (another warmed sheet folded up a
bunch)” to put behind my head, and the call button is like room service, so if
you need something you can ring for your nurse – I really just wanted to get
out of there. It’s pretty boring being a patient. No, actually, it’s
MIND-NUMBINGLY boring.
The port coming out of your arm really
detracts from the spa experience as well. I don’t know if you’ve ever
experienced having an IV drip. This would be the first one I was actually
conscious for. IT’S COLD!!!!! And it’s not a cold that you can escape from as
it’s dripping right into your veins. The first round of drips and drugs didn’t
cure my migraine, but it made it better. Better was good enough for me, but
apparently not for my doctor!
Unbeknownst to me, Dr. Awesome had
decided my Friday night needed some sprucing up. The nurse came back with
something “to take the edge off the pain” and put it in my IV. She told me I
would feel a little woozy, but that was a gross understatement as I almost
immediately felt my face melt off. And my limbs, they got very heavy. The nurse
asked me something about my pain, but I don’t recall being able to form
multiple syllable words. And I wasn’t sure I still had a head. In addition to
that, when I got up to leave I discovered that my feet had been surgically replaced
with weeble-wobble bottom. When I leaned forward, I couldn’t stop falling
forward, and backwards was the same. It was so much fun! I didn’t even want to
go to sleep! I can’t say that I’ve ever felt euphoria like that before. Now
I’ll never be able to start doing drugs, because nothing will compare to the
good stuff I got in the ER. My mom tells me I was saying “hi” to chairs the
whole way out of the hospital. At least I made some new friends.
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