You Thought Organic Food Was Safe

           “My kumquats were handpicked and individually flown in first class seats directly to the place where someone gingerly placed them in that recyclable pint box. The bacteria culture used in the yogurt I am buying was specially designed by Aryan princesses and injected into the milk via crystal syringes from the Swarovski crystal empire. The $7.99 per pound salad I am creating for my lunch is more valuable than any finger-painting your public schooled child will create. Therefore, I can be a complete shitface to you.” Is this what these people are thinking as they drive around the parking lots at Whole Foods?

            It is something I do not understand. Even more baffling than the people who insist on waiting for the closest possible parking space on their way into the gym are the people who pat themselves on the back for caring so much about the earth, other cultures, and the poor, and then mow you down on their way to go buy weird vegan flax cookies that look more like something you should put in a cage with your parakeet. (No offense to my vegan friends, but some of that stuff you eat is just gross). Why do people think they get to be jerky drivers just because they are paying up the bum for their produce? It’s a truly strange phenomenon.

            I wonder if the poor driving and asphalt driven entitlement is round the clock, or if it turns on at the entrance to the Whole Paycheck collective. Is there some sort of weird supersonic device pulsing from within the store that decimates people’s parking skills? OR is this something that is characteristic of the type of person that shops for the higher-priced, fancier foods? Could you become a bad driver simply by shopping at Whole Foods? Do we have some sort of Chicken Egg scenario happening? I don’t know what it is, but I know for sure that I am scared for my life when I am in that parking lot. And I do a LOT more swearing in that parking lot than I do in the parking lot at Stop & Shop.

            I find that the dynamics are similar to on the highway – the more expensive the car, the more dangerous the interaction with the driver will be. Is this prevalent at all Whole Foods locations? It seems that when you park further away you’re surrounded by beat up cars, and lower-end cars, and people who are not in a hurry to race you to the parking lot exit. Get close to the entrance of the store, however – wow. For example, on Saturday I went to pick up some chocolate for a baking project that had to happen. On the way out of the parking space an older woman in a Land Rover flew around from behind as if she were driving a rocket propelled space ship to get in front of the truck and park in the space two spaces ahead of me JUST IN CASE I decided that I had forgotten something and was going to pull out of my space and re-park two spaces closer. Really lady? REALLY? Heaven forbid she should wait until we finish backing up. It’s a wonder her space ship was shiny and undented with those driving techniques she was employing.

            I know that the cheese section is really compelling. Sometimes I can hardly contain myself when I get a taste of the Gruyere and see that it’s on sale for a dollar less than usual. And I could see how some people might have nightmares about the prepared food section running out of Ed’s Tantalizing Tofu. It might even be possible that there be a run on psyllium husk to promote high fiber diets going into the end of the world come December 21^st. Honestly, though, fellow Whole Foods Shoppers, I’m fairly content with my life as it is and can think of many more glamorous ways to die than being turned into a pancake amidst crushed steel in a pitted parking lot in Bedford, Mass. So would you please, please just calm the hell down? Your overpriced smoothies will wait an extra forty seconds for you to park in a manner that is safe for those around you. Thanks a bunch.