It's Fashion Friday!: Please Put The Pandora Back In The Box

           Jewelry is an extremely personal accessory. Unless you decide to inflate yourself to the size of a dumptruck, you can generally wear it for a lifetime. For that reason I assume that the more expensive gems have more thought put into their purchase. The more disposable ones - trendy things, mass produced things, anything that is devoid of sparkling gemstones - should be inexpensive. These things should be doubly inexpensive if they are ugly. Ugly jewelry should never be expensive.

            Now I must again stress that jewelry is personal. And I strongly encourage you to not be offended by my opinions as I share them. You may disagree with me. I am not judging you based on your jewelry choices. That being said, why are you people spending all this money on these fugly fugly fugly charm bracelets?! I do not understand the Pandora craze AT ALL. Not even a little.

They just don't make weird plastic
stuff like they used to.

Charm bracelets are not new to the world in any way. I have my mom’s charm bracelets from her childhood. They are sweet – fairly delicate chains with a modestly chosen number of charms, each with significance, evenly spaced so as not to look like metal bead vomit. Then there were the plastic charm necklaces of the 80’s. My friend Beth and I were reminiscing about them yesterday thanks to the Big League Chew they sell at Old Navy (yes, that is an odd stretch from one topic to the other isn’t it?). Long plastic chain links with strange plastic toys to hook onto them. Most of mine are gone because they were hand-me-downs from my stick-up-ass Aunt Kate who I’ve mentioned before. Naturally, I had to throw them out, as one must with all things attached to other things/people distasteful. I saved the few that were mine though. So, yes, these plastic ones were ugly. They were, however, SUPER CHEAP! They were made in China and intended for children.

It's funny how violent I feel
when I see adults wearing
peace signs.

As an adult, I have acquired a fondness for artisan jewelry. It’s not mass produced and it has character. Sometimes it’s affordable; sometimes it’s not. It goes without saying that I also enjoy the baubles from the glittery sections at Tiffany & Co. And I realize that there is also time and place for fun, silly, often ridiculous, costume-y jewelry. Where is the place for Pandora in this mix? Nowhere. I’m not sure how to adequately convey to you why this stuff is so dreadful. I’m not sure if Pandora jewelry is like cilantro – either you like it or you don’t and there’s no argument possible. I’m going to try though. If I can save a single confused soul from the evils that Pandora unleashed on the world, I will consider myself a hero for the weekend. That has to be worth at least one donut.

A peace sign hanging from pink sparkles… peace is a nice idea. Wearing a peace sign is tacky beyond belief. Leave that to the 12 year olds and the hippies. I’d rather have a panzer charm hanging from a diamond. 

In case you forget that
you had a daughter and
that you're not the dad?

This thing, left, splits in half and says Mother / Daughter on the insides. It costs $95. I don’t get it. 

Pandas are supposed to be cute. 

This panda bear looks like he is frightened to the point of gastrointestinal flash spattering (I just made up that term, but it's quite an image, isn't it?)  

A helmet for a square head.

A silver and gold football helmet for $130. Does the kind of girl who wears a charm bracelet like this actually play football? Not to mention at first glance I thought this was some sort of crematory oven.

A $450 angel. Creepy looking little thing, isn’t it? 

I don't have a nose.

$40 to advertise what you are wearing. Shouldn’t they pay YOU to wear this one?

PLUS, you have to buy the bracelet to put these things on! They range in price from $40 to OVER $1000. That’s for a 14K gold bracelet. That’s it. JUST 14K gold. 

Dear Bloomingdales, I'm just so disappointed.

So, just for fun, I thought it would be an interesting exercise to add up the price of one of these completed bracelets as they display them on the Bloomingdales website (Talk about selling out, guys! I thought you were supposed to be a classy department store). Here they show this picture of a beaded up barfcelet all pink and gold and silver with hearts and flowers. If you were to start fresh and buy the whole thing at once, bracelet, charms, and all, it would cost ….. ca-ching, ca-ching, ca-ching, $4280.

Sweet little Cartier orchids

Or, you could have a pair of these lovely diamond and white gold orchid sparklers for your ears by Cartier. Oh, and probably also a night at the Ritz. No, no. By all means, go back to Pandora. You are ABSOLUTELY making the right decision.