You Thought Organic Food Was Safe

           “My kumquats were handpicked and individually flown in first class seats directly to the place where someone gingerly placed them in that recyclable pint box. The bacteria culture used in the yogurt I am buying was specially designed by Aryan princesses and injected into the milk via crystal syringes from the Swarovski crystal empire. The $7.99 per pound salad I am creating for my lunch is more valuable than any finger-painting your public schooled child will create. Therefore, I can be a complete shitface to you.” Is this what these people are thinking as they drive around the parking lots at Whole Foods?

            It is something I do not understand. Even more baffling than the people who insist on waiting for the closest possible parking space on their way into the gym are the people who pat themselves on the back for caring so much about the earth, other cultures, and the poor, and then mow you down on their way to go buy weird vegan flax cookies that look more like something you should put in a cage with your parakeet. (No offense to my vegan friends, but some of that stuff you eat is just gross). Why do people think they get to be jerky drivers just because they are paying up the bum for their produce? It’s a truly strange phenomenon.

            I wonder if the poor driving and asphalt driven entitlement is round the clock, or if it turns on at the entrance to the Whole Paycheck collective. Is there some sort of weird supersonic device pulsing from within the store that decimates people’s parking skills? OR is this something that is characteristic of the type of person that shops for the higher-priced, fancier foods? Could you become a bad driver simply by shopping at Whole Foods? Do we have some sort of Chicken Egg scenario happening? I don’t know what it is, but I know for sure that I am scared for my life when I am in that parking lot. And I do a LOT more swearing in that parking lot than I do in the parking lot at Stop & Shop.

            I find that the dynamics are similar to on the highway – the more expensive the car, the more dangerous the interaction with the driver will be. Is this prevalent at all Whole Foods locations? It seems that when you park further away you’re surrounded by beat up cars, and lower-end cars, and people who are not in a hurry to race you to the parking lot exit. Get close to the entrance of the store, however – wow. For example, on Saturday I went to pick up some chocolate for a baking project that had to happen. On the way out of the parking space an older woman in a Land Rover flew around from behind as if she were driving a rocket propelled space ship to get in front of the truck and park in the space two spaces ahead of me JUST IN CASE I decided that I had forgotten something and was going to pull out of my space and re-park two spaces closer. Really lady? REALLY? Heaven forbid she should wait until we finish backing up. It’s a wonder her space ship was shiny and undented with those driving techniques she was employing.

            I know that the cheese section is really compelling. Sometimes I can hardly contain myself when I get a taste of the Gruyere and see that it’s on sale for a dollar less than usual. And I could see how some people might have nightmares about the prepared food section running out of Ed’s Tantalizing Tofu. It might even be possible that there be a run on psyllium husk to promote high fiber diets going into the end of the world come December 21^st. Honestly, though, fellow Whole Foods Shoppers, I’m fairly content with my life as it is and can think of many more glamorous ways to die than being turned into a pancake amidst crushed steel in a pitted parking lot in Bedford, Mass. So would you please, please just calm the hell down? Your overpriced smoothies will wait an extra forty seconds for you to park in a manner that is safe for those around you. Thanks a bunch. 

Danger, Will Robinson!!!!

Ford Thunderbird meets 3 ton boulder at 105 mph
from 25 feet up in the air. Nice work, kids.

            First of all, I would like to congratulate you for making it this far into the day without getting in a car accident. You have beaten the odds that are tipped quite heavily in the other direction. I have concluded this not because I have actually looked at any statistics on how often people get in car accidents, but because of the batshit crazy driving I have witnessed from people on the road in the last month. I swear there must be some secret government agency that has employed a team of women on cell phones in Lexus SUVs as some sort of population control.

When did it become unnecessary to take a road test to get a driver’s license? Okay, sure, the DMV would tell you that people still take tests, but I beg to differ. I fear for my life every time I get in the car! I used to think it was frightening to drive in downtown Chicago. I fairly quickly realized that as hair-raising as it is, the traffic is predictable. If someone leaves enough space for another car to move in (bumper to bumper flying 20 mph over the speed limit on the Loop), someone’s moving in. Now driving in Massachusetts, on the other hand, is like being in a horror film. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to what people do here.

         I’ll be the first to admit, I had no idea how to drive when I took my driver’s test. I took my road test in New Bedford (that’s the ghetto, for those of you not from the area). And I am quite certain that I only passed because of some sort of deal between Manny, the driving school teacher, whose car I was using, and the state trooper. Driving isn’t really that complicated though, and it didn’t take too long before I figured out what to do. I may have a bit of a lead foot, but I assure you I only break the law when it is safe to do so. If you don’t know how to drive, you shouldn’t be speeding. Do blind people run? No.

         On another note, I think I’m going to need to contact the Feds. I have found weapons of mass destruction. And they are right here, among us, living in assisted living communities. Elderly drivers. I’m sure there are some competent elderly people driving. But honestly, when was the last time you heard about a 30 year old driving a car into a convenience store? There’s a food mart not far from my house that had to put up cement columns in front of their front wall due to all the drive throughs they had. That gives a bit of new meaning to that concept. We really should look into mandatory retesting once people hit 70 years or so.

          Texting and driving is supposedly illegal here. Yet it seems that every time I find myself behind someone driving 45 mph or less on the highway, I pass them and look over to see them with their head towards their lap, tongue hanging out, and totally engrossed in thumb-typing. Put down your damn phone! Texters are worse than elderly drivers!

         I used to have a 45-90 minute commute to work. The day I decided I would need to stop putting myself in so much danger I will never forget. I was driving home on 128 northbound and looked over to the southbound traffic to see a large black SUV standing straight up out of the ground, with nose/fender FLAT ON THE GROUND. How do you do that? Did you wake up and decide you would singlehandedly try and reenact The Fast and The Furious on your way into Boston? There’s no way to get a car like that without making it airborne. After that, I knew I was done with commuting. Good luck to the rest of you.